We often do small favors for family and friends for free but it’s for us to decide when the favor is too big to do without something in return. Just because it’s family, it doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice yourself or suffer a financial loss to make them happy.
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This woman set a boundary, which was baking a wedding cake, and her brother who ordered it actually didn’t mind paying her for her work and the ingredients, but something changed in the months leading up to the wedding as he refused to pay the agreed amount. Which is why the sister refused to bake the cake, but is regretting it because of people’s reactions.
More info: Reddit
Woman agreed to bake a wedding cake for her brother but when the day came, she refused as he broke the promise he gave her
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) bakes as a hobby and shares her results on an Instagram account dedicated to it. Most of the time she bakes cakes and takes the time to decorate them to make them not only delicious but beautiful too.
The cakes are so good that her family and friends will ask her to bake one for them for birthdays and other special occasions. The OP won’t charge them, but because family and friends appreciate her taking the time and buying the ingredients herself, they will give her money or gift cards to places she would enjoy.
But when her brother asked for a wedding cake which would be served for 75 people, the woman thought that it was a bit too much. Although after rethinking, the OP agreed to make the cake, but only if she would be paid.
The author of the story likes to bake and willingly makes cakes for special occasions free of charge, although she does often get something in return
Image credits: ilovebaking22
The price she gave was $400. If you search online for an average price of a 3-tier cake that would have 75 servings, the prices vary from $250 up to $1,000. It depends on the cake’s shape and how you want it decorated. And because the brother wanted a strawberry shortcake, the price went up as fresh fruit is not cheap when it’s not in season.
The brother made the order months in advance, so they had time to talk about the design and sample the practice batch. Everything went smoothly until there was only a week left before the wedding.
The OP asked her brother to make the payment as they agreed she would get her money before the wedding so that she could buy all the ingredients. He promised to stop by to give her the check, but he never actually showed.
Then he didn’t even respond to her request until the day before the wedding, when he lashed out at his sister for charging them when she always did it for free for everybody else.
But when her brother asked for a wedding cake, she thought it was a bigger project and asked to be paid $400 before the wedding
Image credits: ilovebaking22
The conditions were accepted and were just fine a few months ago, so the sudden change was weird. The OP explained her reasons for asking for compensation, so she refused to make the cake if her brother refused to pay for it. Not only that, but she didn’t even attend the wedding and now is suffering the backlash of the fiancée’s family.
While she was firm about not baking the cake, having to read the messages she got after everyone found out what she did, the woman realized that it must have ruined her brother’s and his fiancée’s big day.
The brother and his fiancée agreed and really liked the samples that the woman made for her test batch, as well as the design of the cake
Image credits: ilovebaking22
Although the OP is right, people in the comments don’t blame her because there was an agreement and she would have kept her promise if her brother had paid for the work and ingredients.
When Bored Panda reached out to clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly who is also the author of Joy From Fear and Date Smart she also didn't see the blame in the sister's actions, "The issue regarding the cake relates to boundaries and agreements. Although some may think that the woman should have baked her brother’s wedding cake even though he unilaterally decided not to honor the payment agreement, his sister’s response reflected healthy boundaries. Unless extenuating circumstances are in play—such as job loss that created a lack of financial resources—it’s important for people to hold true to their agreements. When we require others—including family members--to honor their agreements with us, we are showing that we care about ourselves, our relationships, and our integrity."
Commenters suspected that the brother wasn’t planning on paying from the beginning, because it was very suspicious how he went missing. The theory is that he assumed his sister would still bake the cake and he would deal with not having paid for it later.
A week before the wedding, the sister started buying things for the cake and asked her brother to pay her and he promised to stop by with a check
Image credits: ilovebaking22
What people also pointed out was how they were amazed at the OP for setting a boundary and sticking with it. It is not always easy to say ‘no,’ especially to someone that you hold near and dear, like your brother or a close friend, because there is a side of you that wants to please that person, is afraid of a negative reaction and because you feel a sense of duty.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly shared her thoughts if saying no in this situation would benefit the OP or make it awkward if she continued baking smaller cakes for free, "Depending on the woman’s personality and personal goals, she may, in the long run, be glad she set a strong boundary. Given the pressure and investment involved in creating a wedding cake, it makes sense that she wanted to be compensated for her efforts. Especially if she finds pleasure—rather than pressure—in creating smaller cakes at her leisure, she may feel proud of herself."
Synergy Health Programs explains why it is important to be able to refuse when a person asks you to do something, "This has a tremendous effect on our mental health, as it allows us to value ourselves more. It also helps us prioritize ourselves, and can even lead us to new opportunities that wouldn’t have been achievable by saying yes."
Skill Share adds that "Saying yes too often—especially when you don’t really want to say yes—can lead to resentment and strained relationships." When you say no, you are saying yes to yourself, your feelings and needs and the things you actually want to do.
Not only did her brother not show up, but he avoided his sister all week until he blew up on her for asking for money when she didn't do that for anyone else
Image credits: ilovebaking22
Also, if you say ‘no’ one time, you will set a boundary and it is less likely that a person will approach you with the same or a similar request again. But the first time is always the hardest and you may struggle being taken seriously even if you try.
Psych Center gives a few pointers on how you should say ‘no’ and how to do it nicely. First of all, you should be clear and confident. You can add an explanation, but you really don’t have to. Also, extending your ‘no’ with gratitude because the person thought of you may make you feel better without making the person think that they can persuade you to change your mind.
If you can quickly come up with an alternative or another source, you will be still helping the person, but at the same time, you will have removed yourself from the situation.
Sometimes family members can expect you to do them a favor with no compensation because they believe that it's just what families do, but on the other hand, family members should be kind and considerate to each other. Dr. Manly says "Some family members expect a free ride from their relatives whereas others are very conscientious about not taking advantage of others. Although we don’t necessarily want to get into the habit of expecting a quid pro quo dynamic in our intimate relationships, it’s important to strive for balance and fairness in the long term. When we truly love others, we do not consistently expect to receive big or little favors without giving back in some way."
Because the brother refused to pay, the sister refused to make the cake and she didn't even come to their wedding, so now the family is angry with her
Image credits: Juhan Sonin (not the actual photo)
The Clinical Psychologist summed up the story, "Although we often expect our family members to treat us with kindness and integrity, this isn’t a given. Cases such as this one reveal the truth that our families often test us in important ways. It’s up to us to discover the lessons in family interactions and decide how to respond in ways that allow us to be wiser, stronger, and more attuned to what is best in the long run."
So when you refuse to help someone when you don’t have to and don’t want to, you may end up with a few bumps in your relationships, but it will eventually pay off because you will be happier focusing on yourself.
That is how people saw OP’s situation and we now are interested to know what you would have done in her shoes. Also, why do you think the brother would change his mind like that? Do you think something happened or was it his plan all along? Share your wisdom with us in the comments.
The readers were pretty amazed at how the woman stuck to her boundaries and didn't blame her for what she did because and agreement is an agreement
Image credits: luvjnx (not the actual photo)
