Money complicates relationships, and more so if they were difficult to begin with. When that money comes from within the family, say, an inheritance, some family members might feel entitled to at least a portion of it. Unfortunately, past grievances and wrongdoings often come into play, as old wounds might get reopened.
A few months back, a woman asked the Internet whether she would be a jerk if she didn't share the money her grandpa had left her with the rest of the family. Because her sister's past actions caused a rift between them, she had hardly any contact with her parents. But when her loving grandfather decided to leave everything in his will to her, the family members came a-knocking.
Bored Panda reached out to Certified Financial Therapist and Marriage and Family Therapist Nathan Astle. He was kind enough to tell us how people can navigate the issues an inheritance might bring regarding family relationships and what the most effective ways to maintain financial boundaries are.
When one person in the family inherits money and others don't, there's bound to be conflict
Image credits: Craig Adderley / pexels (not the actual photo)
This woman shared a story of how her family members felt entitled to her inheritance
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Gustavo Fring / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pretend_Canary_9411
LMFT and Certified Financial Therapist Nathan Astle tells Bored Panda the woman doesn't owe her family anything
"Inheritances often bring up really big feelings about family dynamics," the financial and family therapist, Nathan Astle, explains. "Even if things were 'split up evenly,' I don't think it would actually fix the underlying resentment that family members are feeling with each other," he comments on the situation.
"If the grandpa's wishes were crystal clear, then that really should be the end of it. The quote of 'do the right thing' from [the] parents is certainly emotionally manipulative," he points out. "This may be strong language, but it is true. If family members want close relationships that are safe enough to talk about financial need[s], then they need to respect each other and treat each other better."
"In this case, it seems like there has been a consistent pattern of emotional unsafety, in which case I would encourage this person to keep the emotional and financial boundaries that keep her safe," the financial therapist tells Bored Panda.
Astle emphasizes the importance of drawing and maintaining boundaries. "Financial boundaries are just about explaining what is and isn't safe," he says. "If past betrayals are not worked through with genuine intention and effort, I see emotional safety [as] difficult to develop."
"Her family members aren't asking for a loan, they are asking for a gift," the financial therapist says. "Grandpa left her the money, not them. A gift given in resentment just isn't a gift. In this case, I'd say that financial boundaries mean being able to say no if you don't feel good about something. In order for a 'yes' to be a 'yes,' 'no' must be an option."
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Forcing the sisters to reconcile might only backfire
Another problem in this story is that the woman feels estranged from her parents and sister to some degree. Due to the sister's behavior in the past and the fact that the parents took her side, she feels unable to have a relationship with them.
The family thinks that they're entitled to a portion of the inheritance simply because they're family. They also don't understand why their daughter doesn't want to reconcile with her sister and accuse her of being vindictive. They don't seem to realize that the OP is not ready to reconcile with them or her sister.
In a previous article, family estrangement expert Karl Melvin explained to Bored Panda that family members might push for reconciliation because they value familial relations above all else. Some people think that blood ties trump any negative history and can't understand why a family member might not want anything to do with them.
But family members shouldn't force the estranged person to make up. In fact, forced reconciliation often does more harm than good. "Not everyone has the same concept of what reconciliation is," Melvin explained. "Some view it as a continuation of the old relationship as opposed to a genuine effort to reflect on mistakes made and work towards creating a more respectful and healthier relationship."
As trauma psychotherapist Amanda Ann Gregory told Bored Panda in a previous interview, reconciliation with estranged family members does not equal forgiveness. "Reconciliation does not wipe the slate clean, nor does it dictate what the relationship will become," she said.
Gregory claims that one of the main reasons people remain estranged is that one party doesn't feel safe. "They may not feel safe to have any relationship with a family member for multiple reasons, such as it feels too overwhelming and emotionally unsafe to address their own childhood trauma, lack of attachment, guilt, shame, and make any needed changes in order to reconcile."
Image credits: Liza Summer / pexels (not the actual photo)
It turns out the daughter took care of the grandpa as his life was nearing its end
People's verdict was that the granddaughter was not the AH here
