311 Obvious Hints From Girls That Guys Hilariously Failed To Notice

In high school I walked into a classroom and a very attractive girl that was an acquaintance at most came up to me and said "djw, did you know that Rodrigo and I broke up?"
I said, "oh, sorry to hear that," and went on my way.
Then I spent the rest of the day and night thinking about that. Why the hell would SHE tell me that? Why they hell would she tell ME that? Why was she smiling when she told me that?
The next time I saw her, I asked her what she was doing that weekend and she said, "nothing, do you want to go to a movie?" And that was the moment that I realized what was happening. And I wound up getting a date out of it.
And eventually, a family.

I was living with my then-boyfriend a few years ago. Feeling a little flirtatious, I suggested we could take a shower together, you know, to save water, wink wink.
His response? "Why? We don't pay for water."
Shut. Down.

Girl kisses me in the dark in her bedroom at her birthday party. "You should leave before we do something stupid," she whispers. I nod and leave.

Can I say one I was oblivious to?
I was out of town, chatting to a girl at a bar. We figured out I was 13 inches taller than her. She said, "That's funny, I'm going on a date with a guy who is 13 inches taller than me tomorrow. And I'll probably f*ck him after."
My response? "Well, that's a weird coincidence!"
I didn't figure it out until I was on a plane home.

Early interaction with my boyfriend-
Me: "That suit looks great on you. It would look better on the floor."
Him: "That would wrinkle the suit."

"Hey, there's room in my tent if you want to join me"
"Thanks, but I brought my own tent!"
And that's the story of why my friends think I'm socially retarded

Watching TV in my living room at roughly 2am, in the dark
Her: applying strawberry lip gloss.
Me: why are you putting on lip gloss?
Her: strawberry lip gloss tastes so nice.
Me: haha youre weird
Her: want to taste?
Me: nah I already know what it tastes like
Commence several years of late night self loathing and regret

Via text
Girl: Are you going to that party?
Me: Yeah for a little bit. Probably gonna be boring.
Girl: Yeah...was thinking of just staying in.
Me: Probably a good plan.
Girl: So yeah...I'll just be here tonight. Roommates are gone.
Me: Sounds nice; my roommates never leave.
Girl: Ok. So. I'll be here all alone in my apartment. If the party sucks.
Me: Very good.

One time I was texting my bf and told him that I bought a vibrator for the nights he was away at work or something rather. his exact response was, "oh cool, what colour?" I sent him a pic of it and he replied with "can you put it up your butt too?". I sent him a text replying, "come over and find out" and he replied two minutes later, "nevermind, I just Googled it"

A few years ago I was working at my elementary school's annual spring fling. That day I volunteered to be the school mascot(a big-ass bear costume) for the morning shift. It was a boring job of feeling like a pedophile the whole time because little kids would hug you constantly and be all over you. They were at just the perfect height for every kid's face to be just in your crotch. It was nearing noon and my shift was soon to be over when a girl my age, 17, stole the bear head right from my own head and ran away with it. I wasn't gonna pay for a damn bear head if she didn't return it, so I ran after her and followed her into an empty classroom with the lights off and the shudders shut tightly. She said something like "oh looky here, mr papa bear, I'm holding your head, I'm a bad girl" I was pissed she took it and wasn't thinking so I, being oblivious to her remark, took the head yelled "THE CHILDREN NEED ME" and stormed out.

I was staying the night at a female friend's house. I had a huge crush on her and it was the first night sleeping in the same bed.
Her: Just so you know, jeans aren't allowed in my bed. You have to take them off.
Me: Hahaha that's a dumb rule keeps them on
That one still stings

Oh my god my friend fits this sign completely.
He was working on his doctorate in some science, I think physics and he was very busy, I had only seen him once in the past few weeks and he was always with this girl who was really cool.
They would hang out a lot while he would do research and she would do work for her masters' thesis, would text each other every day and also they would once a week go out to burger king (poor college students and have stuff from the dollar menu). It was pretty clear that they dug each other as they seemed to be very similar and were both very interesting.
They had met when he was finishing up his doctoral work and so I asked him what he planned to do. Well he said that he planned on asking her out.
Now this confused me, as I had thought they had been dating for roughly the last six months, so I ask him if they've ever hooked up. And he's like yeah every time she comes over and they sleep in the same bed roughly 5 nights out of the week. Do you go out with her? He took her to burger king. Do you really enjoy talking to her? Yeah I'm glad we talk all the time and stuff. And I say "Dude this sounds suspiciously close to a relationship".
And he goes "Oh that explains this then". She had sent him a text saying "happy 6 months baby!! :D". Even after this he still wasn't sure. So yes my friend is retarded. They are still together to this day.

A girl once asked to use my shower, and left the door wide open as an invitation. So I thought I'd be a funny guy and throw ice cubes at her.
NO REGRET.

Me: I think you're really cute and I like you. A lot.
Him:.... uh, thanks.
Accepting this unrequited crush, I decided I was happy being friends with him.
3 months down the line he spent hours comforting me after a disastrous night and then finally confessed he had feelings for me, going back 6 months. When I asked why he didn't say anything when I told him my feelings "but I wasn't sure you liked me"
That was 4 years ago, he's still as cute and dense now, and is fast asleep next to me.

Girl: Mind if we go somewhere a little more quiet to talk?
Me: Its not that noisy in here, just tell me here.
I'm a certified dumbass.

She told me she likes tall, muscular, hairy guys.
A few days later she asked me why guys don't pick up on hints.
I'm a tall, muscular, hairy guy.
We're dating now.

I'm a guy, and a friend weaseled her way over to watch a movie at my place with me. I didn't think too much of it.
We were happily watching a movie, then another. Me on my side of the couch, her on her side.
After the second movie, she just looked over at me and said out loud, "oh f*ck it"
At that point, she literally just jumped me.
and, as clever as I am, that's the moment I realized she was interested in me... when she was on top of me removing her clothes.
I'm pretty quick sometimes.

My current boyfriend and I started out in this weird friends that flirt stage. I was trying to find a way to get him to make a move. One very hot evening (middle of august) we were sitting in his backyard with a few of our friends drinking beer. I sat on the SAME lawn chair as him, kind of wiggled in, and said "I'm cold".
He left me alone in the chair and proceeded to build a giant fire. It took like an hour. When he was finished making the fire he sat back down in a DIFFERENT lawn chair.

This girl was sitting with our group of boys and saying "if I was to get with one of you, it would be you [my name]" And I was just like "Ah thanks very much, very kind of you to say that"

I've posted this before, but I had a huge crush on the girl who lived next door to me in high school. Was texting her one night, and she told me that she always wanted to be kissed in the rain. Some short time later she told me to meet her in her driveway and I said something along the lines of "What are you crazy?! It's pouring outside!"