No matter how positive, gentle, or respectful parents try to be, sometimes emotions can get the best of them. Especially when kids push the buttons they didn’t even know they had. And before they realize it, they find themselves raising their voices. While feelings of parental frustration are normal, frequent yelling, according to parent coach Tia Slightham, can have long-lasting effects on little ones.
Recently, on her TikTok account, she shared 5 consequences that can happen when parents shout at their children. She created and posted the short video to help parents understand why they must avoid doing that for the benefit of their kids. Scroll down to find the full video below and don’t forget to tell us your thoughts about it in the comments.
While you're at it, make sure to check out a conversation with founder of Mommy Groove, Olivia Bergeron, LCSW, PMH-C, who kindly agreed to share a few tips on how parents can manage their emotions and avoid yelling.
Sometimes emotions can get the best of parents, and they raise their voices
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
However, this parenting coach highly advises not to do it, as it can have harmful consequences
Image credits: parentingcoach
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: parentingcoach
Image credits: parentingcoach
You can find the full video from the parenting coach here:
Parents raise their voice because they can't seem to get through to their kids
Even though parents aren't proud of raising their voice, they do it because they feel like there's no other option to get through to their kids, says founder of Mommy Groove, Olivia Bergeron, LCSW, PMH-C.
"It’s a reaction, not a response. Very often, parents yell when they were yelled at themselves as children. It becomes ingrained as the go-to response to anger and frustration," she explained.
"Unfortunately, I’ve worked with many clients who remember how upsetting it was to have someone twice your size erupt in angry yelling. They swear never to yell at their own children, only to become yellers themselves when they get upset because they don’t have access to other tools in the moment."
Such a parenting strategy is far from effective. A loud voice rarely makes the message clearer and usually has the opposite of a desirable effect. When parents raise their voices at their children, their brains feel threatened and unsafe, which prevents them from learning the lesson parents are trying to teach. That’s why it might seem that children refuse to listen when parents raise their voices.
When kids are yelled at, they can also start to feel devalued and lose their self-worth. This might further break the connection between the child and the parent, making the little one lose a sense of security and trust in their primary caregiver. All of this combined can result in increased pushback since children feel like they’re being overpowered.
"Children that are yelled at oftentimes become parents who yell as well," adds Bergeron. "Moms and dads are modeling how to parent. Children witnessing the acceptability of a yelling response to anger internalize this reaction. When these kids grow up and become parents themselves, yelling becomes their go-to response because this is what’s 'normal.'"
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
"Peaceful and calm communication helps a child feel safe"
On the other hand, calmness is reassuring, which makes children feel loved and accepted no matter how they behave. "Peaceful and calm communication helps a child feel safe and makes them more receptive to the lesson we're teaching," says clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham.
According to Bergeron, the first step towards being more zen and handling anger is to cope ahead. "If you know you have certain frustrations—which all parents have—think about how you want to respond to those triggers ahead of time. Map out your danger zones when you’re most likely to lose it on your kids: is it when you’re getting everyone ready in the morning? When you pick up your children in the afternoon? Before or during meals? Then plan how you want to respond," she advises.
She further suggests thinking about behaving in a way that will feel good afterward. "Think about your child needing help in those moments instead of feeling aggravated and attacked. Your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Instead of going on the offense and yelling, consider what needs your child is signaling they have, and try to meet those needs. They’ll be grateful and your job as a parent will be much easier!" Bergeron reassured.
Changing the habit of yelling can take a lot of work, so it’s understandable if caregivers slip up and raise their voices. The most important thing is that they own up to it and apologize, showing a good example to their children. What can make this process easier is building stronger bonds and connections with kids. Doing it outside aggravating situations is a great place to begin.
"Changing generations of yelling behavior is hard but so worth it," said Bergeron. "When your child learns they can trust you with their big feelings when they feel warmly connected, their behavior improves, lessening the yelling triggers we parents feel," she concluded.
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Parents in the comments were grateful that the parenting coach brought up such a topic
