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However, what if you do make a parenting mistake and can't stop thinking about it even after venting on Twitter? Well, Vicki Broadbent, a writer, director, broadcaster, and founder of the parenting blog Honest Mum, believes the fact that you are even worrying about being a good parent is testimony to the fact that you are a good parent.
"Please remember you're a human too and will have good and bad days. Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others and that means forgiving yourself when you mess up," the author of The Working Mom: Your Guide to Surviving and Thriving at Work and at Home told Bored Panda.
According to the Honest Mum whose also on Instagram, you are a composite of your own life experiences and upbringing, those formative childhood years and beyond, and a lot of parenting can feel triggering. "Your child is left out at school for example, and it reminds you of being bullied." So question your reactions.
Speaking from her own experience, Vicki said therapy has helped her own parenting style hugely. She was able to work through issues, allowing herself to recognize if she's projecting or feeling triggered when it comes to her own parenting/children's behavior. And that allows her to change her responses.
"It has also helped me to be a more sympathetic, calmer parent," Broadbent said. "Children require unconditional love and direction. They thrive on boundaries and routine and they require honesty. You want your children to trust and respect you. They need to know where they stand so they can feel emotionally safe at all times."
"When you mess up, be honest, explain your behavior. For example, 'Sorry, I didn't mean to shout but I didn't sleep well last night and I had a stressful situation at work today.' And if you lost your temper due to your child misbehaving, take some deep breaths and explain in an age-appropriate way how what they are doing makes you feel. Focus on your own emotions so they can empathize with you and also see you as a human being, just like them."
Illustrate what you mean, Vicki advised, use examples to back up your feelings so your child can understand your position. 'Remember the time you cried when your brother wouldn't listen to your story and you kept telling it to him over and over again, and felt ignored and cried. Well, that's how I feel when you ignore me when I'm calling you for dinner'.
"Warn your child when they are behaving badly then choose an appropriate punishment: stopping tech time for a period or making them take a time-out. Giving them the opportunity to remedy their behavior is fair and allows them to feel they have a chance to do better."
Vicki Broadbent thinks you shouldn't label your kid as 'a bad child'. Instead, you can label their behaviour as bad, unkind, or even thoughtless. Also, have realistic expectations from your child too: toddlers and teens are constantly going through great developmental changes, physically and emotionally so acting up is natural.
"Often it's about having the patience and understanding to tolerate the tougher times, and also seeing the behaviour as a call for help: for love, time, space or all three sometimes," Broadbent said. "My eldest behaved stroppily over tech time recently and it was only when I stopped reacting to his behaviour and started responding more gently that he opened up and said he wasn't actually upset over gaming but something that happened at school (which we later tackled together). Look behind the behaviour. Yours and theirs and don't forget that parenting requires a lot of detective work!"
Laura Markham, who has earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with thousands of parents, said you don't have to make up for not being a perfect parent. Perfect just gets in the way of love, she said. Try to remember that joy comes from appreciating the wonder in all those miraculous moments that are disguised as everyday life.
"The key is letting go of your need to be perfect and offering emotional generosity every chance you get, to everyone around you—including yourself," Markham wrote.
