Family matters to many people, so getting your parents’ approval for your partner can be important. Unfortunately, some couples don’t get their parents' blessing. In fact, that’s often the reason people become estranged from their parents. According to a 2021 study, for example, 78% of mothers claimed their child became estranged from them after getting married or finding a partner.
This man was on the brink of cutting off ties with his parents, too. Although he was extremely happy in his relationship, his parents continually pushed for them to break up because she was “not a good Christian girl.” The tensions reached a boiling point during Thanksgiving, when the father started yelling at the couple, but the son refused to have his parents control his life.
A man contemplated cutting off ties with his parents because they pushed for him to break up with his girlfriend
They wanted him to marry “a good Christian girl,” and his partner was Jewish
Disapproval from family members can negatively impact a relationship
Parents often say everything they do comes from love for their children. Yet, after reading stories like this one, it’s difficult to imagine how anyone could justify this type of hatred and coercion with love. Parents might object to partners who are objectively bad for their children: if they physically or emotionally hurt them, are neglectful, disrespectful, or even of a low social standing.
Researchers say that there is an evolutionary reason why parents interfere with a person’s choice of mate. A 2013 study conducted by the researchers at Bristol University found that parents try to offset the attention and resources they believe their child gets from a partner. For example, if they perceive that the partner is lacking in any way, they will give the child more resources, which might lead to conflict.
“Parents may be pre-programmed to make sure their children end up with love, and support,” relationship counselor Arabella Russell writes. “After all, it’s only natural to want what you think is best for your child. The problem is that sometimes what we think is in their best interests really isn’t.”
It’s easy to tell a child to ignore their parents and their disapproval, but it’s harder to do. Contrary to what parents may think, children do care about their opinions. So much so that their disapproval of a partner may even drive a wedge between a couple over time.
For a long time, researchers believed that the Romeo and Juliet Effect was real: when faced with parental disapproval, relationships tended to become more passionate and stronger. However, researchers have since debunked the effect and now believe the Social Network Effect has a bigger influence on couples. Essentially, disapproval from a person’s social network is more likely to lead to negative outcomes in a relationship, such as infidelity, divorce, and breakups, while network approval is associated with increased intimacy, love, and commitment.
Cutting off disapproving parents should be the last measure
But couples can do things to navigate difficult situations like this. Parental disapproval doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed, and experts say estrangement or completely cutting ties should be a last resort. According to experts, these are the four healthiest ways to deal with parents who disapprove of a partner:
- Be a team with your partner. Whenever faced with parental disapproval, a couple needs to present a united front. The couple in this story did exactly that: they privately discussed what to do, how to react, and what boundaries they wanted to set.
- Try to understand your parents. While this might seem hard in a story such as this, when parents are exhibiting racist behavior, chief executive of the Australian Psychological Society Dr. Zena Burgess advises couples to first listen without interrupting or defending your partner. “Listening to what your parent or caregiver has to say may allow you to better understand their perspective. Ask clarifying questions such as, ‘Can you explain what you mean when you say they are a bad influence?’ or ‘Can you give me an example of when you believe they have been disrespectful?’
- Don’t escalate the situation. Although it’s tempting to act petty and patience may be hard during confrontations, experts recommend using “I” statements and avoiding blame.
- Seek professional mediation or mental health help. Family dispute practitioner Naomi Doyle says that professionals can help families reach a resolution. “Resolution doesn’t always mean agreement,” she added. “Sometimes the goal is not changing minds, but finding a way to coexist with less conflict and more respect.”
“I knew my parents would have a problem with anyone outside the church, but I never expected they would go after her so hard for being Jewish,” the man confessed
“Your wife is a saint,” commenters wrote, “I would really struggle if my partner’s family treated me that poorly”
