Beautiful beaches, rose petals on the bed, candlelit dinners, romance and privacy. A honeymoon is meant to be a time for newlyweds to decompress, relax and celebrate, after the hell that can be wedding planning. It’s that idyllic “just-the-two-of-us” phase that allows the couple to quietly transition into daily married life.
Or so one bride thought when she set off to Hawaii with her new husband... Imagine her “shock” when her in-laws rocked up to surprise them. And it didn’t end there. The woman has told how her husband’s parents not only hijacked their honeymoon, but their house as well. The MIL had a key cut and is making herself at home, whenever she pleases. The fledgling marriage is now on the rocks.
She thought she'd seen it all when her in-laws gate-crashed her honeymoon
But things went from bad to worse, and now they've hijacked this newlywed's home, too
"You cannot build intimacy in a space that does not feel private": an expert's advice
If arguing with your spouse about their parents seems to feel like the end of the world (or the beginning of the end of your relationship), you're not imagining it. Experts say that in-law conflicts can be "disproportionately devastating" because they're almost like a threat to your survival. Or rather, the survival of your relationship.
"When your partner sides with their mother over you. When they laugh off your discomfort at a family dinner. When they tell you that you are 'overreacting' to their father’s criticism. Your nervous system does not process that as a minor disagreement. It processes it as a threat to your bond," explains couples therapist Figs O'Sullivan. "The biological house catches fire. Your amygdala fires instantly, triggering a survival response before your rational brain even registers what happened."
O'Sullivan adds that in these situations, it's you are not arguing about who said what at dinner. "You are experiencing a profound attachment panic about where you rank in your partner’s world."
The key, he says, is to set boundaries.
O'Sullivan reveals that in-law issues are among the top three reasons that couples come to see him. "Not because the in-laws are necessarily terrible people, but because the couple has never learned how to protect their relationship from outside forces that, however well-intentioned, can be deeply destabilizing," the expert notes.
Dr. Bill Maier, a licensed psychologist, believes that when it comes to in-laws dropping in unannounced, a serious talk is necessary. In the case of the husband's parents popping in (or taking over), the husband should be the one to address the issue. Maier suggests keeping it good-natured and non-defensive.
"But he should explain that as newlyweds, you are trying to establish your new life together, and as such, you need a certain amount of privacy," the expert advises. "Let them know that they are always welcome to come by, but that you would prefer it if they would let you know ahead of time."
Maier says that if the in-laws react defensively or in anger, then "there are some deeper boundary issues going on that may not be so easy to address." In the case of the newlyweds in this story, locks should definitely be changed.
O'Sullivan agrees.
"Access boundaries are about physical and temporal space. They establish that your home is your sovereign territory and that entry into that territory requires consent," he says. "This is where a lot of couples get into trouble, because access boundaries feel 'rude.' We have been culturally conditioned to believe that family should always be welcome, that setting limits on visits or calls or drop-ins is somehow unkind."
The couples therapist stresses that it is not unkind. It is necessary.
"You cannot build intimacy in a space that does not feel private. You cannot have the vulnerable conversations your relationship needs if you are constantly expecting someone to walk through the front door," he explains. "Your home needs to feel like yours, not like an extension of your in-laws’ household."
Many warned the woman that she has a "husband problem"
