Parents often believe that they know their children better than they even know themselves. After all, they’ve been by their side since before their child took their first breath. But just because Mom and Dad have spent the most time with their little one doesn’t mean that they actually know what’s going on inside their head.
Parents have been opening up on Quora about heartbreaking secrets they’ve learned about their children, so we’ve gathered their most shocking stories below. From hiding mental health issues to engaging in dangerous activities, many of these replies detail a parent’s worst nightmare come true. But they’re good reminders to always check in with your kids and never assume that you know everything about them.
#1
My 11-year-old son hadn't been his usual happy self for months. He'd been a lot more irritable and kept sequestering himself in his bedroom for hours on end. At first, I put it down to hormones starting to do their usual thing. He'd also had a hard time with his last school due to excessive workload (about three hours worth of homework every day) and had changed schools. So, for the first couple of months, I put it down to adjustment pains. New school, new classmates, new rules, but Christmas came and went, and he was still trying hard to turn himself into a hermit.
I had already started smelling something wasn't quite right at school, so I asked him if everything was okay. He just clammed up and refused to say a word other than 'I'm fine, mum!'
Two more months went by with nothing changing, and then, a month shy of the end of the school year, my boy broke down. 'I wish I was dead! The world would be happier if I were dead. I'm useless!!!' Turns out he was being bullied terribly at school.
We spent the whole night talking and crying. In the end, I convinced him to finish off the year and his exams, and he convinced me not to go on a violent rampage. We also made a pact. I would try to get him into another school as soon as was humanly possible, and he would refrain from turning his suicidal thoughts into action and talk to a psychiatrist.
Fast forwarding a bit, he passed his exams, and he's in a different school. He seems to be a lot happier now than this time last year, but I am still keeping an eagle eye on him, and he's still talking it out with a psychiatrist.
I had already started smelling something wasn't quite right at school, so I asked him if everything was okay. He just clammed up and refused to say a word other than 'I'm fine, mum!'
Two more months went by with nothing changing, and then, a month shy of the end of the school year, my boy broke down. 'I wish I was dead! The world would be happier if I were dead. I'm useless!!!' Turns out he was being bullied terribly at school.
We spent the whole night talking and crying. In the end, I convinced him to finish off the year and his exams, and he convinced me not to go on a violent rampage. We also made a pact. I would try to get him into another school as soon as was humanly possible, and he would refrain from turning his suicidal thoughts into action and talk to a psychiatrist.
Fast forwarding a bit, he passed his exams, and he's in a different school. He seems to be a lot happier now than this time last year, but I am still keeping an eagle eye on him, and he's still talking it out with a psychiatrist.
63points
#2
My husband died suddenly when my son was 5 years old. I sat him down the next day to explain to him that daddy had died. I had to do it in a calm, almost practical tone because I didn't want him to cry. I felt that he was too young for his heart to be broken that way. He took it all in calmly.
Then he said to me, “Mommy, I want a new heart, this one hurts.”
I learned that day how much physical effort it takes to stop oneself from crying.
Then he said to me, “Mommy, I want a new heart, this one hurts.”
I learned that day how much physical effort it takes to stop oneself from crying.
60points
#3
My soon-to-be six year old son just finished kindergarten. A few months back, on a Saturday during the middle of the winter season here in cold & snowy Minneapolis, my husband and I were out shopping with our five kids (the son in the story is our second oldest.)
So as we were wandering around the store, our little guy saw something he just had to have: a kids size Minnesota Vikings winter hat and pair of gloves. It’s his absolute favorite NFL team — our entire family bleeds purple & gold, especially my husband and our three boys — so he fell in love with them on the spot and just couldn’t leave without them. I was hesitant, because they were not cheap ($40!!!) and as the mother of five young kids, I know how easily little ones lose their hats and gloves… we go through tons each winter. But I just couldn’t resist, so hubby and I bought them for him as long as he promised that he absolutely would not lose them. He agreed.
He wore them to school every day the next week and proudly returned home each day with his Vikings gear in tow — I checked the moment he climbed in the car when we picked him up from school. After that, I figured he’d proved he was responsible enough that I didn’t need to keep hounding him about it, so I just let him put the hat and gloves in his winter bag along with his coat, snow pants, boots, etc. each afternoon when he got home from school and trusted they were in there.
Then a week later, when I went to do the laundry, I couldn’t find the hat and gloves in his bag. I went to ask him where they were — he and hubby were, ironically, watching the Vikings game on TV — and my little boy’s head immediately fell, a disappointed look appearing on his face.
“I don’t have them anymore, momma,” he whispered sadly.
“Oh no, honey, did you lose them?!” I replied incredulously.
My son shook his head. “No.”
Huh? Confused, I asked, “Then what happened to them?”
“I gave them away,” he told me solemnly.
What??? I sighed and gently scolded him, telling him that he can’t be giving his things away like that, especially when they were so expensive.
Then my husband asked who he’d given them to. Our son answered the name of another boy in his class. I knew that the boy’s father had died a few years prior, and his mom had recently lost her job so money had been really tight for a long time. When we asked why he’d done that, his answer literally shattered my heart.
My sweet, innocent, caring little boy replied, “Because he doesn’t have any hats or gloves, mommy, and his head and hands get cold at recess every day. I have bunches more hats and gloves at home that I can wear. Is that okay?”
I’d never been so saddened but so incredibly proud at the same time. My son adored that Vikings hat and gloves, but he’d selflessly given them away to a boy who needed them much more than he did. I started to cry and hugged my little guy, telling him what a good, sweet boy he was and thanking him for being so kind, generous, and compassionate. Something as simple as a hat and pair of gloves had really make a difference for that classmate.
It was one of those proud parent moments where you wonder what you ever did to get lucky enough to have such wonderful babies, and you love them even more than you thought was possible.
Today, six months later, I’m happy to share that my son and the boy he gave the hat & gloves to have become good friends; they have play dates every couple weeks and play together at recess every day. He’s such a sweetheart. Also, the boy’s mother got a new job so the two of them are back on their feet and in a much better place.
Hooray for happy endings :)
So as we were wandering around the store, our little guy saw something he just had to have: a kids size Minnesota Vikings winter hat and pair of gloves. It’s his absolute favorite NFL team — our entire family bleeds purple & gold, especially my husband and our three boys — so he fell in love with them on the spot and just couldn’t leave without them. I was hesitant, because they were not cheap ($40!!!) and as the mother of five young kids, I know how easily little ones lose their hats and gloves… we go through tons each winter. But I just couldn’t resist, so hubby and I bought them for him as long as he promised that he absolutely would not lose them. He agreed.
He wore them to school every day the next week and proudly returned home each day with his Vikings gear in tow — I checked the moment he climbed in the car when we picked him up from school. After that, I figured he’d proved he was responsible enough that I didn’t need to keep hounding him about it, so I just let him put the hat and gloves in his winter bag along with his coat, snow pants, boots, etc. each afternoon when he got home from school and trusted they were in there.
Then a week later, when I went to do the laundry, I couldn’t find the hat and gloves in his bag. I went to ask him where they were — he and hubby were, ironically, watching the Vikings game on TV — and my little boy’s head immediately fell, a disappointed look appearing on his face.
“I don’t have them anymore, momma,” he whispered sadly.
“Oh no, honey, did you lose them?!” I replied incredulously.
My son shook his head. “No.”
Huh? Confused, I asked, “Then what happened to them?”
“I gave them away,” he told me solemnly.
What??? I sighed and gently scolded him, telling him that he can’t be giving his things away like that, especially when they were so expensive.
Then my husband asked who he’d given them to. Our son answered the name of another boy in his class. I knew that the boy’s father had died a few years prior, and his mom had recently lost her job so money had been really tight for a long time. When we asked why he’d done that, his answer literally shattered my heart.
My sweet, innocent, caring little boy replied, “Because he doesn’t have any hats or gloves, mommy, and his head and hands get cold at recess every day. I have bunches more hats and gloves at home that I can wear. Is that okay?”
I’d never been so saddened but so incredibly proud at the same time. My son adored that Vikings hat and gloves, but he’d selflessly given them away to a boy who needed them much more than he did. I started to cry and hugged my little guy, telling him what a good, sweet boy he was and thanking him for being so kind, generous, and compassionate. Something as simple as a hat and pair of gloves had really make a difference for that classmate.
It was one of those proud parent moments where you wonder what you ever did to get lucky enough to have such wonderful babies, and you love them even more than you thought was possible.
Today, six months later, I’m happy to share that my son and the boy he gave the hat & gloves to have become good friends; they have play dates every couple weeks and play together at recess every day. He’s such a sweetheart. Also, the boy’s mother got a new job so the two of them are back on their feet and in a much better place.
Hooray for happy endings :)
60points
Secrets are often seen as shameful, but according to research from Columbia University, a whopping 97% of people are concealing some information from others. In fact, the American Psychological Association reports that most of us are holding onto about 13 secrets at any given time.
Whether you don’t want to admit that it was you who ate the last cookie, or you’re scared to tell your colleague that you spotted her boyfriend cheating at the mall, you’ve probably got something locked up in your mind that you’ll never tell. But not all secrets are the same. Some are harmless, or might even be beneficial, while others could turn your life upside down if they ever came out.
#4
In 1996 my oldest son walked into my bedroom at age 6 and said Mommy I'm dying. And he was. Sometime later that evening his pediatrician called and told me he had acute myeloid leukemia.
The upside to this answer is that even though he was given a 3% chance to make it through the night once we got to the hospital, we celebrate 20 years of successful bone marrow transplant between 2016 and 17.
The upside to this answer is that even though he was given a 3% chance to make it through the night once we got to the hospital, we celebrate 20 years of successful bone marrow transplant between 2016 and 17.
60points
#5
One year, my husband and I were having a really hard time getting up in time for work for, like, two months straight. Years later, we found out our daughter was d***ging us so she could sneak out. Either of us could have died, and she thinks it's funny she used to do that. Needless to say, she no longer lives with us and will not be allowed back if ever she falls on hard times.
48points
#6
My son was nearly 4 years old. One day he and my wife went to a restaurant to get a pizza for lunch. There was an elderly man who came in with his shopping cart. He was obviously homeless. He ordered a cup of coffee which the waitress grudgingly served him. (It was obvious she didn't want him there.) He fished on his pocket and pulled out a hot dog. He ate it slowly, dunking it in his coffee between bites.
My son asked why he was doing this and my wife explained that he was homeless and had no money. My son became upset and asked my wife if they could help him. As they were ready to leave, my wife brought him the untouched half of the pizza they had been eating. At first, he refused to take it as he was concerned that my son would not have enough to eat. My wife explained that they bought too much and the waitress would only throw it away if they left it. He took the pieces, carefully wrapped them up and stored them in his basket (most likely those slices would become his dinner that evening.). He thanked them with tears in his eyes when they left.
When they got into the car, my wife heard my son crying. When she asked him what was wrong. He looked at her through his tears and answered “Nothing Mommy…I just have feelings inside myself.”
Update: This same son is now an adult with children of his own, ages 4 and 6. I was injured in a fall and am now a paraplegic, confined to a wheelchair. The other day, he was walking his young daughters to school. He noticed the older one occasionally running ahead, picking up sticks and throwing them to the side of the road. After she did this several times, he asked her why she was doing it. She replied “If Papa ever walks us to school, his wheelchair tire would hit them and he would get thrown out of the chair. I want to make sure he is safe.” I cried when I heard that one.
My son asked why he was doing this and my wife explained that he was homeless and had no money. My son became upset and asked my wife if they could help him. As they were ready to leave, my wife brought him the untouched half of the pizza they had been eating. At first, he refused to take it as he was concerned that my son would not have enough to eat. My wife explained that they bought too much and the waitress would only throw it away if they left it. He took the pieces, carefully wrapped them up and stored them in his basket (most likely those slices would become his dinner that evening.). He thanked them with tears in his eyes when they left.
When they got into the car, my wife heard my son crying. When she asked him what was wrong. He looked at her through his tears and answered “Nothing Mommy…I just have feelings inside myself.”
Update: This same son is now an adult with children of his own, ages 4 and 6. I was injured in a fall and am now a paraplegic, confined to a wheelchair. The other day, he was walking his young daughters to school. He noticed the older one occasionally running ahead, picking up sticks and throwing them to the side of the road. After she did this several times, he asked her why she was doing it. She replied “If Papa ever walks us to school, his wheelchair tire would hit them and he would get thrown out of the chair. I want to make sure he is safe.” I cried when I heard that one.
45points
The British Psychological Society argues that keeping secrets isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, if you’re concealing good news, you might actually reap some benefits from your secret. For example, keeping your best friend’s surprise party a secret or preparing an engagement without informing your partner is harmless.
In fact, it might put you in an even better mood as you know the surprise is coming, and the secret will, hopefully, be appreciated once it’s revealed. These are also the kinds of secrets that we choose to keep, rather than information we’re forced to conceal out of pressure from someone else or for our own safety.
#7
My son (35) lives at home and hid an opi*te ad***tion for 15 years, fueled by my mom with ad***tion issues. It was far more extensive than I could've imagined. I got wind of this when he admitted it and wanted treatment; he is now two-plus years clean and is still attending meetings. I am so proud of him, but Jesus, kids can be incredibly sneaky.
43points
#8
The most heartbreaking thing my child has ever told me was that he thinks he is demon-possessed. He has recently, at the age of 14, been diagnosed with schizophrenia. He has been dealing with this for as long as he can remember. I didn't know until last year when he sought help. My son has been living in fear and thinking he is evil his whole life. I am saddened by my ignorance of mental health. I had no idea the symptoms or struggles someone with schizophrenia endures until now. I am hurt that people with this illness feel they have to hide it, that they are isolated, and think that they cannot seek help because of the fear that they will be viewed as 'insane' or, worse yet, violent. My son is the most loving, kind, and wonderful person I know, and it breaks my heart that he is going to face a life of fighting, not only the illness but society's view of it.
42points
#9
Not my kid but my cousin’s kid.
During a rocket attack in Israel, I was huddled, traumatized in a corner. My little cousin came to me. “It’s fine, it happens a lot. Don’t cry, it’s alright.”
She’s eight. I’m an adult and she’s so used to rocket attacks that she’s comforting me.
During a rocket attack in Israel, I was huddled, traumatized in a corner. My little cousin came to me. “It’s fine, it happens a lot. Don’t cry, it’s alright.”
She’s eight. I’m an adult and she’s so used to rocket attacks that she’s comforting me.
Report
39points
Where secrets start to become a problem is when they begin negatively impacting a person’s well-being. Have you ever heard the saying that secrets make you sick? Well, according to STR Behavioral Health, there might be some truth to that. Holding onto secrets might first trigger mental issues, such as anxiety and stress, but over time, those can manifest into physical symptoms.
Concealing information might lead to rapid disease progression, increased blood sugar levels, difficulty quitting substances, changes in heart rate, digestive system issues, and sleep issues like insomnia and restlessness.
#10
My 16-year-old daughter is struggling with anorexia and self-harm. So I fix meals, make her a small plate like her younger (very young) brother, and tell her there is more if she is hungry. I never say a word about her needing a plate if she chooses to eat out of the pan or if she eats it all before her dad or I eat. Remind her I'm here and can always listen. I'm never too busy for her. Therapy helps, too.
35points
#11
About five years ago, our daughter came home crying. It was still one of the early days of second grade, and I asked her what was wrong. She told me, “The boys at school told me it’s not normal to have two dads and told me that I’m weird.”
Our daughter has two dads, and we’ve never kept it a secret to her that we used a surrogate and egg donor to have her. She’s always known that her family is herself and her two dads. She’s always been very matter of fact about it, and when anyone asks about her mom, she just says, “I don’t have one, I have two dads.” So, up until this particular day, it hadn’t been an issue. And we tried to make sure it wouldn’t ever be an issue.
We had talked to her school beforehand to let her teachers know that we had an alternative family structure. We were very involved with the school so many parents knew we were “the family with two dads.”
Even with all the preparation, I knew this day was inevitable, but it still broke my heart.
Follow-up: The next day I went to her teacher and explained to her what our daughter told us about the school incident. That very day the teacher prepared a special lesson on different families, and how it was “normal” to be in a family with one parent, two parents, no parents (e.g. only grandparents, foster parents, etc.), and how you shouldn’t bully kids for being in a special or different family from what you are used to.
Our daughter has two dads, and we’ve never kept it a secret to her that we used a surrogate and egg donor to have her. She’s always known that her family is herself and her two dads. She’s always been very matter of fact about it, and when anyone asks about her mom, she just says, “I don’t have one, I have two dads.” So, up until this particular day, it hadn’t been an issue. And we tried to make sure it wouldn’t ever be an issue.
We had talked to her school beforehand to let her teachers know that we had an alternative family structure. We were very involved with the school so many parents knew we were “the family with two dads.”
Even with all the preparation, I knew this day was inevitable, but it still broke my heart.
Follow-up: The next day I went to her teacher and explained to her what our daughter told us about the school incident. That very day the teacher prepared a special lesson on different families, and how it was “normal” to be in a family with one parent, two parents, no parents (e.g. only grandparents, foster parents, etc.), and how you shouldn’t bully kids for being in a special or different family from what you are used to.
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34points
#12
“Do you wish I died instead of Denise? “ My sweet little 9 year old, Theresa looked at me tearfully. She was suffering terribly from seeing her 12 year old sister struck by a car and k**led in a school crosswalk by a woman who ran the red light. She had heard all the wonderful things everyone said about Denise at the funeral, at school, everywhere we we went. One stupid, cruel teacher actually said to her, “You’re nothing like your sister, she was special. It should have been you.” (She was eventually fired.)
I did everything I could to let Theresa know how loved she was. I told her I missed Denise terribly and was devastated by her death, but I would never in a million years want to lose her! She was every bit as special to me. She was my baby girl… I loved her forever and always to the moon and back. (A favorite phrase we used over and over) Still she suffered for many, many years from ptsd and survivors guilt in spite of the counseling and care she was given. A once joyful, carefree child….the light disappeared and her childhood effectively ended the day her sister died.
When I hear people say that children are resilient, they bounce back from grief and tragedy….they don’t know what they are talking about. Children have a harder time verbalizing their pain, their fear. Suddenly someone close to them dies and suddenly the realization hits them….they discover they could die just as swiftly and disappear just like Denise disappeared from Theresa’s life and mine.
Life is so very cruel. Theresa and I enjoyed a close relationship. As she grew to adulthood, we became friends as well as mother/daughter. She moved to live near me a few years ago. Then two years ago, she was k**led in an accident eerily similar to her sister’s. A crazy driver caused a head on collision.
I can be thankful that both of my children always knew I loved them and that love doesn’t die. I miss them every day.
I did everything I could to let Theresa know how loved she was. I told her I missed Denise terribly and was devastated by her death, but I would never in a million years want to lose her! She was every bit as special to me. She was my baby girl… I loved her forever and always to the moon and back. (A favorite phrase we used over and over) Still she suffered for many, many years from ptsd and survivors guilt in spite of the counseling and care she was given. A once joyful, carefree child….the light disappeared and her childhood effectively ended the day her sister died.
When I hear people say that children are resilient, they bounce back from grief and tragedy….they don’t know what they are talking about. Children have a harder time verbalizing their pain, their fear. Suddenly someone close to them dies and suddenly the realization hits them….they discover they could die just as swiftly and disappear just like Denise disappeared from Theresa’s life and mine.
Life is so very cruel. Theresa and I enjoyed a close relationship. As she grew to adulthood, we became friends as well as mother/daughter. She moved to live near me a few years ago. Then two years ago, she was k**led in an accident eerily similar to her sister’s. A crazy driver caused a head on collision.
I can be thankful that both of my children always knew I loved them and that love doesn’t die. I miss them every day.
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29points
While it’s natural for kids to want to keep some secrets from their parents, it’s important for Moms and Dads to find a healthy balance between respecting their children’s privacy and looking out for their kids. To prevent teens, in particular, from concealing information, Newport Academy recommends that parents work on building trust and open communication with their kids. The safer they feel opening up, the less likely they’ll be to keep things bottled up.
#13
My son hates it when I go to work. It's hard to explain the reasons I have to go.
One night he asked “Dad, do you have to work tomorrow?” Being a Sunday night, I said I do.
He asked why. I said, “because I have to make money for food and toys and things.”
He got pretty excited at this and exclaimed “But I have money!” He then retrieved his Darth Vader piggy bank, “we can use this.”
It was pretty tough to get up and go to work the next day after that.
One night he asked “Dad, do you have to work tomorrow?” Being a Sunday night, I said I do.
He asked why. I said, “because I have to make money for food and toys and things.”
He got pretty excited at this and exclaimed “But I have money!” He then retrieved his Darth Vader piggy bank, “we can use this.”
It was pretty tough to get up and go to work the next day after that.
28points
#14
When my oldest son was 14, he was having the first symptoms of his bipolar depression. We all thought he was just a very self-controlled child turning into a teen and having the usual moody behavior that comes with puberty. He had insisted that he sign up for all honors classes his first year in high school, despite me telling him that he shouldn't push himself so hard. The guidance counselor and I only agreed to the all-honors classes if he agreed to downgrade to normal classes if he felt overwhelmed. About one month into the school year, he was always doing homework and isolating himself in his room.
Here's where the secret came in. He was messaging a friend of his, whom he'd known for nine years, and told her that he had a plan to k**l himself. She broke her promise to keep his secret and told her dad to call me. Her father called me and said, 'Go check on Nathaniel now!' So I did. I asked my son if he was OK, and he broke down and said, 'No, Mom. Something is wrong with my brain.' I held him while he cried for a few minutes, then called my husband to take him to the hospital while I cleared his room of meds and anything sharp. He was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar depression. He has been medicated and in therapy for almost 7 years now. His secret almost k****d him.
Here's where the secret came in. He was messaging a friend of his, whom he'd known for nine years, and told her that he had a plan to k**l himself. She broke her promise to keep his secret and told her dad to call me. Her father called me and said, 'Go check on Nathaniel now!' So I did. I asked my son if he was OK, and he broke down and said, 'No, Mom. Something is wrong with my brain.' I held him while he cried for a few minutes, then called my husband to take him to the hospital while I cleared his room of meds and anything sharp. He was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar depression. He has been medicated and in therapy for almost 7 years now. His secret almost k****d him.
26points
#15
Last year my daughters (who are 4 and 6 years old) and I were going through our wedding photographs. Both of the girls, being very curious and talkative, kept asking questions about why their mom and I were living together after the wedding, why we are not with our parents anymore and all sorts of other questions that their cute little minds could think of at that time.
At night, when I was almost asleep, I felt something warm and wet on my face. I opened my eyes to find my 4 year old’s face very close to mine. Her tears were falling on my face. I was really surprised and immediately hugged her and asked for the reason why she was crying. She started crying loudly and in a broken and weak tone she told me,
“I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to get married”
At night, when I was almost asleep, I felt something warm and wet on my face. I opened my eyes to find my 4 year old’s face very close to mine. Her tears were falling on my face. I was really surprised and immediately hugged her and asked for the reason why she was crying. She started crying loudly and in a broken and weak tone she told me,
“I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to get married”
26points
We know that these aren’t the most uplifting stories to read, pandas. But we hope that they’ll encourage you to check in with your own kiddos and make sure that they’re doing okay. Keep upvoting the responses that you find most shocking, and feel free to open up about heartbreaking secrets that your own children have revealed in the comments below. Then, if you want to dive even deeper into this topic, you can find another Bored Panda article featuring secrets people have kept from their parents right here.
#16
Yesterday 7/28 my son told me he needed to go inpatient rehab for alcoholism. He’s 22 and admitted he’d been drinking 20+ beers per day for the last year. I suspected it was bad but not this bad. This has damaged his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (lied to her about being in college last year) and also cost him his job for now. I’m hoping we can get him admitted today. This is not how we drew it up in the sand. We cried on each other for 2 hours yesterday. This stinks, there is no immediate fix. I feel terrible for my son and his 11 year-old sister (my daughter) who had had essentially no summer break due to his struggles.
23points
#17
Dr*g ab*se and selling. I figured it out. Because he pulls the "I am an adult thing" I can't do anything about it. I evicted him. He's still not open to any kind of help. So he will have to come to a time where he needs help and asks for it. Very heartbreaking.
21points
#18
I lost my 4-year old grandson in a house fire. His 6-year old brother survived. This was in April and his mother could not deal with it all so I retained custody. In June as the summer months began, the 6-year old began asking me,
“when will I go pick up Andrew (his brother) so they could play?”
The first time he said it, it was all I could do not to cry! Just a few weeks after the fire and the losses were still enormous.
The younger brother was good at imagination and playing with his toys. The older brother is more of a leader and needed others to play with. Thus his request to get his brother.
I struggled all that summer to try to help him understand death and loss. I finally came up with this:
“You know how in the movie The Incredibles the daughter/sister is invisible?”
He answered yes.
I went on to say, “Death is like that. You cannot see Andrew anymore, but he is watching over you. You can talk to him any time you like and he will be a good listener. And, when ever you think you are alone - you are not! He will always be with you, even when you do not see him.”
Since I gave him that definition he has seemed to understand. He can now discuss the loss with his therapist (yes, we needed this too for all of us) and we hope some day we can all move on in peace.
“when will I go pick up Andrew (his brother) so they could play?”
The first time he said it, it was all I could do not to cry! Just a few weeks after the fire and the losses were still enormous.
The younger brother was good at imagination and playing with his toys. The older brother is more of a leader and needed others to play with. Thus his request to get his brother.
I struggled all that summer to try to help him understand death and loss. I finally came up with this:
“You know how in the movie The Incredibles the daughter/sister is invisible?”
He answered yes.
I went on to say, “Death is like that. You cannot see Andrew anymore, but he is watching over you. You can talk to him any time you like and he will be a good listener. And, when ever you think you are alone - you are not! He will always be with you, even when you do not see him.”
Since I gave him that definition he has seemed to understand. He can now discuss the loss with his therapist (yes, we needed this too for all of us) and we hope some day we can all move on in peace.
21points
#19
I was pressing my teen daughter, who had asked to earn some money, to clean out our car. She was 16 and she had done it before and I would give her $100 for a good job (back in the 2000’s that was good money for a teenager for 3 hours work). One day she was stressed when she got home from school and was very serious and I reminded her that she promised to clean the car the week before and it never got done. I was gentle because I knew it was mid terms time. I said “If you get it done by this weekend I’ll add $50.” But she looked at me and just broke down sobbing. She was having a particularly rough day, it was…that time…and she was behind in studying for tests and she was trying to tell me this.
My daughter finally looked up at me and said “Dad! You’re not LISTENING”. I felt about 3 inches tall. I was thinking about other things that I needed to get done and this was just another ‘thing’ to check off and I hadn’t heard a word she was saying until that moment. As a pretty tough Army guy and all around guy of ‘manly pursuits’…I teased up and just hugged her and apologized. And I asked her and her mother to help me learn how to listen…to explain what to watch for with them. Since a serious head injury I don’t always get facial cues or ‘hear’ stress in people’s voices…I’m a bit oblivious. But anyone can learn and they helped me and have been ever since!
My daughter finally looked up at me and said “Dad! You’re not LISTENING”. I felt about 3 inches tall. I was thinking about other things that I needed to get done and this was just another ‘thing’ to check off and I hadn’t heard a word she was saying until that moment. As a pretty tough Army guy and all around guy of ‘manly pursuits’…I teased up and just hugged her and apologized. And I asked her and her mother to help me learn how to listen…to explain what to watch for with them. Since a serious head injury I don’t always get facial cues or ‘hear’ stress in people’s voices…I’m a bit oblivious. But anyone can learn and they helped me and have been ever since!
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20points
#20
My 8 year old son just came back from his dad's who lives in another town. He visits his dad's on school holidays.
One afternoon he looked so low and teary on our drive home. I asked him what was wrong, he said to me “I wish I had a dad”.
I looked at him reminded him that he was with his dad a few days ago. He responded saying “I mean a dad, like one who takes me to the park to play cricket, helps me take care of my pet, cuddles me, takes me on adventures, helps me play my guitar, just hangs with and does fun stuff with me like other dads.”
I parked on the roadside because someone always cuts onions whenever we have this kind of conversation. I reminded him that I did all those things with him.
“I know mom. And I love you to the moon and back, but you throw like a girl!” was his response.
We hugged, cried and laughed simultaneously.
One afternoon he looked so low and teary on our drive home. I asked him what was wrong, he said to me “I wish I had a dad”.
I looked at him reminded him that he was with his dad a few days ago. He responded saying “I mean a dad, like one who takes me to the park to play cricket, helps me take care of my pet, cuddles me, takes me on adventures, helps me play my guitar, just hangs with and does fun stuff with me like other dads.”
I parked on the roadside because someone always cuts onions whenever we have this kind of conversation. I reminded him that I did all those things with him.
“I know mom. And I love you to the moon and back, but you throw like a girl!” was his response.
We hugged, cried and laughed simultaneously.
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20points