Woman Totally Unsure About Starting A Family With Partner After His Questionable Decision

There comes a time in many long-term relationships where the couple might start making actual big plans, be it where they want to settle down or perhaps having a family. It only makes sense that both people need to be on the same page since you can't just decide to get rid of a kid.

A woman wondered if she was overreacting when she worried about her partner's pressure to start a family while he was considering a job that needed a lot of travel. We also got in touch with psychotherapist and relationship expert Sara Kuburic to discuss what people should think about before major commitments.
More info: Mumsnet | Sara-Kuburic.com

Bored Panda got in touch with psychotherapist and relationship expert Sara Kuburic and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions about the things people need to consider in long term relationships. First and foremost, we wanted to hear her opinion on folks, like the woman in this story, sharing details about their own relationships.

“I think sharing stories/experiences can be a great way to show someone our journey, lessons, mistakes and who we are. I think the degree of vulnerability and detail depends on both individuals and the safety of the dynamic. Setting boundaries around how much and how quickly you share can benefit everyone involved. I don’t think our partners need to know “everything” about us but it’s important not to withhold stories that we know would potentially change their mind about being in a relationship with us–they deserve the choice.”

We also wanted to know what questions she thought were important for people to really think about before, for example, starting a family. “Why do I want to be in a long term-relationship? (Running away, deep meaningful connection, boredom, pressure/expectations etc.) What do I expect from myself and others? What is my goal with this relationship? Is this the right person for this journey? Am I aware of my wounds and triggers? Do I have the capacity to be a good partner right now?” she shared with Bored Panda.

Sara shared some parting thoughts for people to keep in mind when considering these sorts of questions. Be honest with yourself, do you have red flags? What are they? Do you know yourself enough to choose (or be) the ‘right' partner?” She also recommended checking out her book on self-loss called “It’s On Me” for people who are working on understanding themselves and their relationships with others. You can find more of her work on her website, her Instagram and her Substack.

The unfortunate truth is that quite often, once you get comfortable with a person, it becomes easier and easier to overlook their flaws. In any normal relationship, your partner should bring you joy. We as humans have a bad habit of “forgiving” things and people that provide that needed dopamine and life satisfaction.

However, these “little” issues don’t just disappear, unless you make a conscious effort to make your peace with them. Once you start thinking about bigger commitments, what once was a minor annoyance can spiral out of control. This story is a particularly blatant example of this. Some couples handle distance in a relationship quite well, but once you add on top a family, things get a bit more tricky. More importantly, this woman clearly has anxiety over this question, while her partner, who should be there for her through thick and thin, has done nothing to prevent it.

This is the most glaring issue in this relationship. He appears to not be ready for marriage, which is his right, but he simultaneously insists on other heavy commitments. There is nothing wrong with career improvements, particularly if you do want kids at some point, but you can’t have your cake and eat it as well. He needs to understand that it might not be possible to have this exact job while also having kids. This is even more true when we realize that he wouldn’t even be doing much of the childcare if he is perpetually away. So it is entirely reasonable for this woman to want more clarity and communication if they are going to take these big steps together.