People Shared 50 Shocking Facts About Their Friends They Only Found Out Years Into The Friendship

To learn more about the secrets that we keep in friendships, we reached out to Zencare to hear from a few of their mental health professionals. Zencare is an online therapist directory and the simplest way to find your ideal therapist. And lucky for us, three of their experts were kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about friendships.

First, we got in touch with Rebekah Ferguson, LMHC. Rebekah is a licensed mental health counselor in Brooklyn, NY, who works with adults of all ages in the treatment of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder/trauma related symptoms, religious identify conflicts, issues with self-esteem, recovery from high control groups and high control relationships, and complex personal struggles related to racial injustice.

When it comes to how long it takes for a friendship to form, Rebekah says, "There are multiple factors that affect how long it takes to build a friendship. These include meaningful time spent together, level of alignment on values and interests, and opportunities for emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Some people connect instantly, and other friendships develop more slowly over time, as more of the personality of each person is revealed."

Rachel Friendly, PhD, was also kind enough to weigh in on the topic. Dr. Rachel W. Friendly is a queer- and gender-affirming therapist offering inclusive, culturally-responsive therapy. She works with young adults, the young at heart, and anyone seeking personal exploration and growth. 

When it comes to making friends, Dr. Friendly says, "Different friendships have different trajectories. Some are slow and simmering, and then sometimes, you meet someone and you just know they are your people and you get to know them really quickly. Neither is necessarily better than the other, assuming both are built on respect, trust, and equity."

"The key to getting close to someone is vulnerability - real relationships can't form without vulnerability, so the more quickly you are able to be (appropriately) vulnerable, the more quickly that vulnerability is likely to be reciprocated, and the more quickly closeness is built," the expert added.

Paula Glashausser, LCSW, shared her input on the topic too. Paula Glashausser is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Los Angeles who treats individuals and couples. Many of Paula’s clients seek support to address difficulties or conflict in interpersonal relationships, life transitions, communication, and other mental health concerns, including anxiety and depression. 

"Building a friendship can happen very quickly, progress overtime, or take years. There may be a spark - a connection or commonality of sorts - that helps us think, 'I can’t believe I hadn’t met this person sooner,' and feel as though they’ve been your friend forever," she shared.

"There are also those friendships that can take years to build that require work to stay connected. I think that what matters most in a friendship is the foundation that it’s built on, as well as how much effort each person contributes," Paula says. "The bottom line is that, in any relationship or friendship, we continue to grow as individuals, and hence, in our friendships as well. We are all forever evolving."

We also asked the mental health experts why so many people keep secrets from their close friends. "It is important to normalize boundaries, even in friendships, and it is up to each person how comfortable they are in sharing information about themselves," Rebekah pointed out. "Keeping secrets is not always indicative of a lack of trust in the friendship."

"Boundaries are the natural limits that separates us from others, and this includes having different emotional and friendship needs. The amount of information a person chooses to share is often reflective of their level of comfort talking about themselves, their level of openness to emotional intimacy/vulnerability, and the level of emotional attunement they received from caregivers during childhood," she explained. "Also, there are aspects of oneself that may not seem important to share, however someone else may feel that it is important, so keeping in mind different perspectives and friendship needs is crucial."

"I think there can be several reasons behind why one may keep a secret from the people they care about. It’s possible there is fear of judgment, feelings of shame, not feeling ready to talk about it, or perhaps it’s something they want to hold on to solely for themselves," Paula chimed in.

"It’s important to remember that we need to accept people for who they are, as well as where they are in their journey. Whether they aren’t ready to share, or maybe won’t ever share, it’s their decision, and we need to respect that," she explained. "No one is entitled to know details about a person’s experiences, history, or their life that they don’t want to share. All you can do is create a safe space for that person and hope that they will feel comfortable enough to come to you with a secret."

So is it a bad sign if one or both friends are keeping secrets? "Sharing vulnerable information/secrets within a healthy friendship dynamic can certainly be beneficial in strengthening bonds, enhancing friendship intimacy, and providing a platform for more expansive relational capacity and connectedness," Rebekah told Bored Panda.

"However, if one or both friends are keeping secrets, placing a value such as 'good' or 'bad' on this dynamic is limiting. A more useful way to address it is to become curious on why one or both are keeping secrets, assess if the secret is something that could impact the other person in a meaningful way, and explore if the pattern of keeping secrets is unique to that friendship, or a more general pattern in interpersonal dynamics," the expert noted.

"If the secret is due to lack of trust, that could be an opportunity to further assess the nature of the friendship, the level of satisfaction in the friendship, and determine what, if any, next steps to take to address the issue," Rebekah added.

"I think a lot of secret-keeping is about shame," Dr. Friendly pointed out. "Sometimes that shame comes from inside of ourselves, from the messages we were socialized into by our families, the media, and our culture."

"Keeping those secrets isn't necessarily a 'bad sign,' because it may not mean anything at all about the other person in the relationship. It may just take the person longer to overcome their own internal shame," she explained. "But when the shame comes from within the relationship (e.g., the other person either directly shames you or is regularly judgmental about other people so that the message is received that this secret would be shameful), then there is probably something to be examined within that friendship."

We were also curious if it's ever possible to know everything about a loved one, or if we'll always be holding onto some secrets.

"Having an understanding of a person's values, characteristics, and life experiences is necessary for forming an authentic friendship, however it is both unrealistic and unhelpful to expect to know everything about another person," Rebekah shared.

"There are some aspects that should be disclosed, if it has a direct or could have a direct impact on the other person, and their sense of safety (psychological, physical, etc.) within the friendship," the expert noted. "[But] an expectation of revealing everything is often rooted in unhealthy relational dynamics, where there is a high level of interdependence versus healthy autonomy, and an over-reliance on the other for support and emotional dependence."