Reasons for not having children – or being unlikely to ever have them – differ between the older and younger groups. The top response for those who are over 50 is that it just didn't happen. Meanwhile, those under 50 usually say they simply don't want to have kids. So we decided to read up on how people perceive this aspect of themselves and found a couple of discussions on Quora (one and two) where childfree adults have been sharing their unfiltered thoughts and emotions on the matter. Continue scrolling to check out the most memorable stories we discovered.
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#1
I'm 38 and do not have children. No regrets. I have never wanted kids, and doubt I ever will. I'm happy living for myself, not another person. I'm free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I can live my life to the fullest without being held back by a dependant. I love myself and my life is complete.
Most people, especially other women, cannot fathom this. But most of them have always wanted kids, or already have them. They felt a void before before having a child. They felt like they were missing something. They never knew that kind of love. Whatever. I get it. You love your kid more than anything. But that doesn't mean it's for everyone. Glad you're happy, so am I. And if you ever give me one of those ridiculous “you should have kids" lectures, I'm going to laugh every single time you complain about your offspring. Then I'm going to go on a last minute adventure and send you pictures the entire time.
Live your life however you want, and don't judge people who don't make the same life choices as you. You can be equally happy with or without kids.
Most people, especially other women, cannot fathom this. But most of them have always wanted kids, or already have them. They felt a void before before having a child. They felt like they were missing something. They never knew that kind of love. Whatever. I get it. You love your kid more than anything. But that doesn't mean it's for everyone. Glad you're happy, so am I. And if you ever give me one of those ridiculous “you should have kids" lectures, I'm going to laugh every single time you complain about your offspring. Then I'm going to go on a last minute adventure and send you pictures the entire time.
Live your life however you want, and don't judge people who don't make the same life choices as you. You can be equally happy with or without kids.
101points
Bored Panda's parenting expert Vicki Broadbent, who is a mom of a teen, tween, and toddler herself, thinks "The decision, if it is indeed a decision, to have or not have kids (as many cannot have children despite wanting to) is individual," the woman behind the popular parenting and lifestyle blog Honest Mum tells us.
"I hate the pressure (applied to women in particular) to have children," she says. "It is not right for everyone."
#2
I announced at 16 that I never wanted kids. I heard all the usual BS about how I’d change my mind, I was too young to know, having a child was my “job”, who would take care of me when I was old, etc.
I’m now 65 and have never had one moment of regret. I have traveled the world. I’ve donated thousands of dollars and hours to many non-profit organizations. I retired at 62 and live in a beautiful villa in a gorgeous mountain valley south of Valencia Spain. I am happily married — for 32 years.
I see people my age who are years from retiring because of kids. They are exhausted, miserable, and stressed. Sure, they love their kids, but it’s an 80/20 split — the love is the 20%.
Even my own mother told me if she had it to do over again she would not have had kids. I totally understood. She loved us and raised us well, but she gave up HER life to do that.
Having a kid is NOT the end all/be all for females. You really do get to choose to live your own life and pursue your own goals and dreams if you want to. WITHOUT GUILT. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m now 65 and have never had one moment of regret. I have traveled the world. I’ve donated thousands of dollars and hours to many non-profit organizations. I retired at 62 and live in a beautiful villa in a gorgeous mountain valley south of Valencia Spain. I am happily married — for 32 years.
I see people my age who are years from retiring because of kids. They are exhausted, miserable, and stressed. Sure, they love their kids, but it’s an 80/20 split — the love is the 20%.
Even my own mother told me if she had it to do over again she would not have had kids. I totally understood. She loved us and raised us well, but she gave up HER life to do that.
Having a kid is NOT the end all/be all for females. You really do get to choose to live your own life and pursue your own goals and dreams if you want to. WITHOUT GUILT. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
82points
#3
I do not want kids. I have no interest in being a father. I once thought about having children, but I decided I didn't want the responsibility of raising a child. I'm gonna get a vasectomy as soon as possible. I myself also support the idea that women should have full control over their bodies, and shouldn't be forced to go through an unwanted pregnancy.
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61points
Estimates concerning when adults decide to be childfree are mixed. Earlier studies suggested that most adults made the decision later in life, but last year, researchers at Michigan State University found that this choice is mostly made during the prime childbearing years – in our teens or twenties.
#4
My husband never wanted children. He was adamant. So, I accepted that we’d be a childless couple. It would be okay, I told myself, because we were deeply in love and we’d always have each other.
In my thirties, I asked my mum if I’d made the right decision not to have kids. She told me her honest opinion: That if I didn’t, I’d one day regret it. She added that couples divorce all the time, and whilst my husband could then go off with a younger woman and make children, I’d be left behind, older and childless.
So, I told my husband I wanted a child. I remember the very day vividly; he went AWOL the ENTIRE day to mull it over, and he finally agreed. So, at age 38, I had my son. And guess what? My husband and I ended up divorcing six years later, (edit: for reasons unrelated to being parents.) Now, not a day goes by when I don’t thank my mum in my head. She gave me the best advice I could’ve hoped for, because my son is now my only family and the light of my life.
Incidentally, a few months after our split, my ex-husband texted to say ‘I just want to thank you for persuading me to have a child. I love our little fella so much.’
Thanks, mum. ❤️
In my thirties, I asked my mum if I’d made the right decision not to have kids. She told me her honest opinion: That if I didn’t, I’d one day regret it. She added that couples divorce all the time, and whilst my husband could then go off with a younger woman and make children, I’d be left behind, older and childless.
So, I told my husband I wanted a child. I remember the very day vividly; he went AWOL the ENTIRE day to mull it over, and he finally agreed. So, at age 38, I had my son. And guess what? My husband and I ended up divorcing six years later, (edit: for reasons unrelated to being parents.) Now, not a day goes by when I don’t thank my mum in my head. She gave me the best advice I could’ve hoped for, because my son is now my only family and the light of my life.
Incidentally, a few months after our split, my ex-husband texted to say ‘I just want to thank you for persuading me to have a child. I love our little fella so much.’
Thanks, mum. ❤️
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52points
#5
Having kids is a monumental life-changing decision. I will tell anybody that before you have kids, be very sure that you want them for the right reasons. If you’re having them because your partner wants them, you’re lonely, or you think you might regret not having them, don’t have them. Children know when they’re not wanted and it will devastate them. Also, if you have children and cling to them too tightly (you refuse to let them grow up, you guilt them into centering their lives around you, you want a mini-you, etc.), that child will have psychological scars for a lifetime. It’s not fair to them. If you don’t have children and you come to regret it, you can always either adopt or volunteer at a church/youth center/school. You still get to have children in your life. I’m in my late forties and I can honestly say that I don’t regret not having children. I became a caretaker for my little brother when I was 11. I love children and they are a lot of fun, but I do not enjoy caring for children and all that comes with it. I enjoy my solitude too much. Even now when I’m around babies/children, I find them utterly delightful. I am happy to play with them, but I am also grateful that I can give them back to their parents.
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51points
"The belief that having kids is the elixir of a happy life and the only way to be fulfilled is flawed," Broadbent, the author of books Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (US and Canada), adds. "You can obtain the same happiness with or without kids."
She also thinks that "you cannot prepare for having children emotionally, [...] not fully anyway, because it's an extraordinary experience: thrilling, all-consuming, terrifying and wonderful. Rather like bungee jumping over and over for years!"
#6
I’m a 68 year old woman, without a child. I’ve never regretted a moment, for not having children.
Those who have children, of course, are going to say, they are happy they had a child. They love their child. Those of us who don’t love a child, we don’t know, what we don’t know. We’re ok with that.
Those who have children, of course, are going to say, they are happy they had a child. They love their child. Those of us who don’t love a child, we don’t know, what we don’t know. We’re ok with that.
50points
#7
I am a 25 year old man. My whole life I have not wanted children. At 23 I got my vasectomy and found a 28 year old woman who also doesn't want children. We are now owners of a 6 bedroom Victorian home built in 1903. We have double income and no children. We get to vacation and own all the toys we want. Having no children was our best decision in life. Our siblings have kids that we get to see and get all the child love we need. But at the end of the day we aren't financially responsible for them. In today's economy having a child is not worth it in our opinion. It may say selfish but why spend a million dollars in a lifetime on children when you can spend a million on enjoying your life to the fullest. Sure when we grow old we won't have anyone to take care of us and one of us will die alone and lonely but at least we have amazing memories with each other and never had to stress about the expenses of a child. This is just our opinion, do as you please with it.
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46points
#8
Nope.
This is, BTW, why kids are an absolute deal breaker in a relationship. If one person wants them and the other does not, they should part company, full stop. There is no satisfactory compromise to be had, unless one of them doesn’t mean it for some reason or another.
This is, BTW, why kids are an absolute deal breaker in a relationship. If one person wants them and the other does not, they should part company, full stop. There is no satisfactory compromise to be had, unless one of them doesn’t mean it for some reason or another.
42points
The aforementioned Michigan State University study also showed that childfree adults who are 70 and older do not experience more life regret than their peers with kids. And that might be the key we need to understand.
"Of course, these groups can get along. We're human and our lived experiences, kids or otherwise, are universal," Vicki Broadbent says. "Some of my closest friends are kid-free by choice."
The key isn't whether one chooses to have children or not, but to make that decision authentically for oneself and respect that others may choose differently.
#9
Not having children is the single biggest regret of my life.
I met my ex when we were in our 20’s and not in any hurry. I was ready at 31, and he started stalling, with valid sounding excuses. (Need better jobs/better health insurance/fix up the house to be safe for a baby etc) He wanted me, but not marriage or children. He knew if he told me that, I would leave.
By the time I figured out what he was doing, I thought I was ‘too old’ to find someone else in time to have children with. I tried to pressure him into it. Our relationship turned toxic, my mental health suffered. I froze my eggs, just to have some sense of control over the situation.
When I turned 40, I tried to accept being childless. To build an alternate reality. But the desire to be a Mom never went away. When I turned 45, I was given the chance to adopt an infant. Not only did he refuse, he would have blocked the home study required for me to adopt as a single woman. That was the day I was done. It took me 2 more years, but I left him at 47.
I’m 49 now. I have no regrets over ending that relationship. Other than I wish I’d done it 18 years earlier. I still have my frozen eggs, but kind of feel like I left it too late to be fair to the child(ren). (No judgement on anyone else that chooses to have children later in life though!) I tell my story a lot to younger people with a partner stalling them on marriage and/or kids. I hope to spare them the pain I went through, because I spent nearly 20 years with my life ‘on hold’ just waiting for children to enter it. I have a successful career, a home, security, but would trade it all in an instant to go back and have kids in the ‘normal’ time frame. Hindsight is 20/20.
I met my ex when we were in our 20’s and not in any hurry. I was ready at 31, and he started stalling, with valid sounding excuses. (Need better jobs/better health insurance/fix up the house to be safe for a baby etc) He wanted me, but not marriage or children. He knew if he told me that, I would leave.
By the time I figured out what he was doing, I thought I was ‘too old’ to find someone else in time to have children with. I tried to pressure him into it. Our relationship turned toxic, my mental health suffered. I froze my eggs, just to have some sense of control over the situation.
When I turned 40, I tried to accept being childless. To build an alternate reality. But the desire to be a Mom never went away. When I turned 45, I was given the chance to adopt an infant. Not only did he refuse, he would have blocked the home study required for me to adopt as a single woman. That was the day I was done. It took me 2 more years, but I left him at 47.
I’m 49 now. I have no regrets over ending that relationship. Other than I wish I’d done it 18 years earlier. I still have my frozen eggs, but kind of feel like I left it too late to be fair to the child(ren). (No judgement on anyone else that chooses to have children later in life though!) I tell my story a lot to younger people with a partner stalling them on marriage and/or kids. I hope to spare them the pain I went through, because I spent nearly 20 years with my life ‘on hold’ just waiting for children to enter it. I have a successful career, a home, security, but would trade it all in an instant to go back and have kids in the ‘normal’ time frame. Hindsight is 20/20.
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40points
#10
I regret having kids - we do not have a good relationship — I raised them (food, clothes and education) and I paid for their college - a new car when they graduated from college and cheered them both along the way.
Today I have two adult kids that only call me when they need money and have shit on me in every other way …
If I could do my life over not only would I not have kids but I also would never have gotten married.
Today I have two adult kids that only call me when they need money and have shit on me in every other way …
If I could do my life over not only would I not have kids but I also would never have gotten married.
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38points
#11
I have never been paternally minded. I have nieces and nephews and whilst happy to babysit or child-mind whilst they were growing up; I never felt significantly or sufficiently moved towards wanting and having my own.
When I got married, I was unsure whether I wanted children. Never dead against the idea but not exactly pro the idea either. At best, I would say I was ambivalent. A few years into the marriage my wife suggested that we start trying. Again, I was not exactly for it nor dead set against it. In fact, after a week or so of trying, I kinda tried to back out of it and go back towards contraception. My wife however, very subtly persisted by saying, let’s just see what happens.
Approximately 9 months later our daughter was born and my life changed forever. I had never known unconditional, instant love like it. I have achieved a fair amount in professional life that I (and my parents) have been proud of and up until that moment was my crowning achievement. The birth of my daughter however, surpassed all of those achievements by a country mile.
Her birth has given new meaning to my life, new purpose and a new sense of responsibility. When making big decisions I have someone else to consider and the knowledge that my decisions could impact her and her future. It helps me to make better decisions and drives me towards better outcomes. Not just for me, but also for her and the next generation of our family.
I guess mine is the story of a non-believer being converted. It’s funny how things change and life develops but one thing I do know is that if something feels right, then it probably is right. That is why my 4 year old daughter has a 2 year old brother.
When I got married, I was unsure whether I wanted children. Never dead against the idea but not exactly pro the idea either. At best, I would say I was ambivalent. A few years into the marriage my wife suggested that we start trying. Again, I was not exactly for it nor dead set against it. In fact, after a week or so of trying, I kinda tried to back out of it and go back towards contraception. My wife however, very subtly persisted by saying, let’s just see what happens.
Approximately 9 months later our daughter was born and my life changed forever. I had never known unconditional, instant love like it. I have achieved a fair amount in professional life that I (and my parents) have been proud of and up until that moment was my crowning achievement. The birth of my daughter however, surpassed all of those achievements by a country mile.
Her birth has given new meaning to my life, new purpose and a new sense of responsibility. When making big decisions I have someone else to consider and the knowledge that my decisions could impact her and her future. It helps me to make better decisions and drives me towards better outcomes. Not just for me, but also for her and the next generation of our family.
I guess mine is the story of a non-believer being converted. It’s funny how things change and life develops but one thing I do know is that if something feels right, then it probably is right. That is why my 4 year old daughter has a 2 year old brother.
37points
#12
My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. We have no children. During our 30s and 40s, we were able to travel extensively, and really enjoy our lives. Now that we are in our 60s, and don't have the energy of our youth, I am glad that we were free to travel and enjoy our mid life years. Financially, we are better off, never having had children. We will retire soon. We don't pine for what we never had.
37points
#13
There were three of us kids. I was 7 1/2 When my brother was born and he was 6 1/2 when my sister was born (I was 2 weeks shy of 14). None of the three of us ever had any children. My sister nor I ever wanted any and we made that clear from the time we were very young. I liked other peoples’ kids ok, I just didn’t want the responsibility and she just plain did not like any kids. My brother is the only one of us who was ever likely to have kids, and he was married for 11 years (divorced for many now). But he had a congenital birth defect that would have almost certainly affected any children, so they decided not to have kids. He says he has never regretted it, either. Only my Mom is left of my parents, now. If she regrets none of us giving her grandchildren, she has never mentioned it to me. She says all her grandkids have four legs. 😁🐾🐾🥰
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36points
#14
Yes.
My son is 27, suffering from chronic depression, in a low-paying dead-end job without the faintest idea of how to get out of it. His life is an unending continuum of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
If I knew that he would develop like this, I would not have had him. I would not want to bring a person into this world outside of his own volition, if I knew that he would experience no joy in his existence.
I was under the impression that almost all living creatures had at least the capacity for joie de vivre, and I assumed that it would be so for my child, as well.
Sorry, son. I don’t know what to do.
My son is 27, suffering from chronic depression, in a low-paying dead-end job without the faintest idea of how to get out of it. His life is an unending continuum of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
If I knew that he would develop like this, I would not have had him. I would not want to bring a person into this world outside of his own volition, if I knew that he would experience no joy in his existence.
I was under the impression that almost all living creatures had at least the capacity for joie de vivre, and I assumed that it would be so for my child, as well.
Sorry, son. I don’t know what to do.
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31points
#15
Well, you know that’s hard to answer.
My (now ex-) wife conceived by secretly going off the pill and then concealing her pregnancy until she was about halfway through. I had a vasectomy when my daughter was six weeks old after winning an argument with my doctor. (Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, shame on me.)
We had agreed before marrying that we were not going to have children and she never hinted to me that she had changed her mind. She just pulled the cruel stunt on our daughter, blessing her with the gift of a father who did his best for his daughter while permanently angry with her mother.
Eventually I left. I have a positive relationship with my now adult daughter, but I wouldn’t piss on my ex-wife to put her out if she was on fire, except for the sake of my daughter.
Don’t tell me there is an avalanche of repressed anger there - it is not repressed.
Do I regret? No, I am simply not in the business of regret. If I had my life again I would have had a vasectomy years earlier. And of course I wouldn’t have married such a cruel woman. But I have made my way through life to happy circumstances. I know my life is happy, and I don’t know what my life would have been if I had made different choices, so my present way of life is something I would not change.
But I cannot understand the evil of a person who brings a helpless child into the world with an unwilling father. What she did to me is bad, but what she did to my daughter who happens also to be her daughter is simply unfathomable evil.
My (now ex-) wife conceived by secretly going off the pill and then concealing her pregnancy until she was about halfway through. I had a vasectomy when my daughter was six weeks old after winning an argument with my doctor. (Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, shame on me.)
We had agreed before marrying that we were not going to have children and she never hinted to me that she had changed her mind. She just pulled the cruel stunt on our daughter, blessing her with the gift of a father who did his best for his daughter while permanently angry with her mother.
Eventually I left. I have a positive relationship with my now adult daughter, but I wouldn’t piss on my ex-wife to put her out if she was on fire, except for the sake of my daughter.
Don’t tell me there is an avalanche of repressed anger there - it is not repressed.
Do I regret? No, I am simply not in the business of regret. If I had my life again I would have had a vasectomy years earlier. And of course I wouldn’t have married such a cruel woman. But I have made my way through life to happy circumstances. I know my life is happy, and I don’t know what my life would have been if I had made different choices, so my present way of life is something I would not change.
But I cannot understand the evil of a person who brings a helpless child into the world with an unwilling father. What she did to me is bad, but what she did to my daughter who happens also to be her daughter is simply unfathomable evil.
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31points
#16
My first wife had had an emotional breakdown prior to our marriage. Because of the genetic component, we decided that having a child was not a good idea, even though we both wanted one. My absences because of military duties would have been too much of a strain on her if she had the sole responsibility of caring for a child. After her death in an automobile accident, I remarried, this time to a divorcee with eight children. Although the children were either out of the home or living with their father, we did have them in our lives ,and had several of them and their children lived with us as they dealt with marriage problems. There are now 27 grandchildren and 5 (as of today) great grandchildren. I have had two wonderful wives and the best of all possible worlds.
30points
#17
My ex-husband was alright about having kids when we got married, but abruptly changed his mind a few years later and became adamant against having kids. He was calculative, cold, and thought kids were a waste of money and time. He also became increasingly abusive, controlling, a serial cheater, and vowed that if we ever had children, he would treat them worse than he treated me. I was pretty depressed about the thought of being childless, as well as living with an abusive, controlling, and cheating husband for the rest of my life. After a couple of years of this misery, I escaped and never looked back. I started my life anew and enjoyed the freedom and happiness I never experienced during my first marriage.
A few years later I meet my soulmate, and he is completely the opposite of my ex. A wonderful, happy, kind, generous, and thoughtful human being that thinks of others first. We have been inseparable since the day we met, and both of us wanted to raise kids. My dream came true, I became a mom and my son is the best thing to happen to us, he brings immense joy and delight to our lives and I’m so very grateful for the opportunity to have a child. It’s a whole other range of emotions that weren’t there before. My family is my world!
I would have been crushed had I stayed in my first marriage, I would have absolutely regretted missing the chance to be a mother, something that I longed for so long.
A few years later I meet my soulmate, and he is completely the opposite of my ex. A wonderful, happy, kind, generous, and thoughtful human being that thinks of others first. We have been inseparable since the day we met, and both of us wanted to raise kids. My dream came true, I became a mom and my son is the best thing to happen to us, he brings immense joy and delight to our lives and I’m so very grateful for the opportunity to have a child. It’s a whole other range of emotions that weren’t there before. My family is my world!
I would have been crushed had I stayed in my first marriage, I would have absolutely regretted missing the chance to be a mother, something that I longed for so long.
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28points
#18
No, I don’t regret not having kids. I always knew I was t going to have them, and I’m happy. A lot of my cousins don’t have kids, and my sister doesn’t either. Thankfully, I didn’t have an egotistical, self righteous mother, who demanded grandchildren.
24points
#19
My upbringing was such that I never wanted to marry or have children. All I had for examples were broken marriages and very unhappy people who endured each other for the sake of appearances. I would become upset when older people suggested to teenage me that I would one day change my mind. I grew up over night when I became caregiver to my grandfather and great grandmother in my teens. I didn’t see myself as able to love or be loved, and I felt old long before my time. I didn’t date in high school or college. In fact, some of the men in college called me “Ice Queen” because they thought I was terribly cold and rebuffed their attempts at flirting.
I went on my first date after college graduation and eventually did marry. That part I do regret. It cost me a world of heartache and pain. I tried so hard to protect my heart but had it shattered anyway. But the good thing that resulted from that union was my daughter.
She is the fire to my ice. She helped my perfectionist nature to soften. She is the very definition of my heart walking around outside of my body. I was determined, come hell or high water, to break the generational cycles of abuse for her. She is my joy.
I see her intelligence, her sense of humor, her imagination. I see how she cares for people and animals. I see her passion for dance and how she loves to paint. She’s girly, glittery, and feminine. She’s innocent. She’s hilarious. She’s kind and loving.
There is so much about my life that I deeply regret, but having her has never been one of them. I am honored that God gave me the privilege of protecting her, loving her, and knowing her.
I went on my first date after college graduation and eventually did marry. That part I do regret. It cost me a world of heartache and pain. I tried so hard to protect my heart but had it shattered anyway. But the good thing that resulted from that union was my daughter.
She is the fire to my ice. She helped my perfectionist nature to soften. She is the very definition of my heart walking around outside of my body. I was determined, come hell or high water, to break the generational cycles of abuse for her. She is my joy.
I see her intelligence, her sense of humor, her imagination. I see how she cares for people and animals. I see her passion for dance and how she loves to paint. She’s girly, glittery, and feminine. She’s innocent. She’s hilarious. She’s kind and loving.
There is so much about my life that I deeply regret, but having her has never been one of them. I am honored that God gave me the privilege of protecting her, loving her, and knowing her.
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23points
#20
I have 3 beautiful daughters and could not imagine life without them. Although my daughters, wife, and even my female Boston Terrier gang up on me often I have always been proud to have all girls.
21points