47 Stories That Reveal The Emotional Toll Of Growing Up With A Narcissistic Mom

We spoke with a few experts who shared their insights on how narcissistic mothers affect their children as they grow into adulthood. According to licensed psychologist Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, some invisible wounds include the feeling that love must be earned rather than felt. 

“They grow up hyper-attuned to others’ emotions while silencing their own, carrying that imbalance into every relationship that follows,” she told Bored Panda.

EMDR consultant Christy Doering, MSSW, LCSW, who specializes in depression, anxiety, grief, and family conflict, explained that daughters, in particular, tend to worry too much about what other people think of them. 

“Narcissistic parents often use their kids’ accomplishments as their own, so there is immense pressure to perform or be ‘perfect.’”

Children of narcissistic mothers may also develop apprehensions about showing their authentic selves. As licensed clinical psychologist Zita Chriszto notes, their constant fear of disapproval or abandonment leads to identity diffusion. 

As a result, they constantly shape their own identity in accordance with what other people need them to be.

Mothers and fathers play different roles in a child’s life. But when narcissistic parenting becomes the central theme, the former tends to inflict more damaging effects. 

“Narcissistic maternal influence is typically more severe. There is a powerful mother-child emotional enmeshment that isn’t typically found in father-child dynamics,” Chriszto says, adding that this is mainly because the mother is the principal emotional mirror. 

The child then experiences a “vacuum” in terms of their self-worth and personal limits because they have no reflection in which to see themselves.

Marriage and family therapist Lexi Michaud shared a similar explanation, stating that mothers are a child’s first relational connection and experiences from birth. Simply put, they are our first and most formative relationship, preceding all others. 

For those reasons alone, Michaud says the rejection, pain, shame, and fear from a narcissistic mother are more impactful.

Healing from a narcissistic mother can be a long road for many people. Some may not even know how to begin. According to Chriszto, allowing yourself to grieve the mother you needed but didn’t get is a good place to start. 

“Healing from narcissistic toxicity in part means disconnecting from the internalized voice of the narcissist and, in its place, finding your utterance,” she said, advising imagining yourself with a lifetime of self-compassion as your foundation.