“Let Her Struggle, Bruh”: People Share Their Opinions On The “Perilla Leaf Test” And Discuss Loyalty And Boundaries In A Relationship

In a relationship, you want to trust one another because neither jealousy nor control lead to a happy life. But at the same time, you want to have boundaries and let one another know what you consider to be small or big disloyalties.

Many people are now debating about the Perilla Leaf Test. It is a small gesture, but netizens are discussing whether it means anything, trying to find analogies and hypothesizing how they would feel about it if they saw their significant other do it.

More info: TikTok

"There is a very popular dating analogy that Koreans are asking each other. I need to know your thoughts. Let's say you have a boyfriend. If you're actually in a relationship, imagine your boyfriend. Let's say you're out to dinner with you, your boyfriend and a really close friend of yours.

Now one of the lovely side dishes on the table is ggaenip. It's important to know that it's specifically ggaenip, because it's known to be difficult to pick up with chopsticks. That's important."

"So your man reaches over, picks it up for her and puts it on her dish. You didn't even notice she was struggling, but he did. Question is, is that okay? Does it make a difference if it's a friend that he's met before versus a friend he's now meeting for the first time? How would you feel? What would you do?

Does it make a difference if it's just a situationship? What if you're already married? Let me know what you think."

Amy Shin is a content creator on TikTok with 121.8k followers and her recent videos most often show her doing her makeup, skincare or reviewing beauty products. The video in question, which describes the hypothetical situation, went viral on the account and reached 6.5 million views.

It also has nearly 12k comments and people have divided opinions. There are a lot of people who don’t see anything wrong with a boyfriend helping your friend with food when she’s struggling. They wouldn’t even think twice whether it was inappropriate or not and actually would respect him more for being nice to a person you love.

Others thought that it would be weird if he helped her without asking if she needed assistance and there were those who would see it as a red flag. The people in the last category took into consideration that the hypothetical situation was created in South Korea.

In their culture, putting food on someone's plate might be seen as an intimate, romantic and flirty gesture, which explains why it is such a huge debate and why people are asking each other about how they would react to it.

Amy gave another example that could be an equivalent for Westerners. It’s the same situation, but the food is shrimp and the female friend is struggling with peeling her shrimp, so your boyfriend notices while you don’t and takes her shrimps to peel for her. Also, the friend is the kind of pretty and constantly gets hit on by men.

This time people had a different reaction and more comments said that they would feel triggered by such an action because it’s showing too much attention to the friend and not them. They would feel bothered that the friend didn’t ask them for help and would feel disrespected. Although some people still thought that it’s just a nice gesture.

According to psychiatrist Lee Boon Hee, the different reactions can be explained by different attachment styles people have. The Attachment Project explains that there are 4 adult attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure.

People with the anxious attachment style “typically have a negative self-image, while having a positive view of others. The anxious adult often seeks approval, support, and responsiveness from their partner.” They also can’t imagine living without their partner.

The psychiatrist explains that because they have low self-esteem, these kind of people may be more worried about their partner helping out a friend they might possibly be attracted to with their perilla leaves.

People who have a secure attachment style are more self-confident, they are more confident in the relationship and don’t feel anxious while being away from their partner. So those people would be less bothered by their partner showing attention that might seem flirty to others by helping them out with their food.

The biggest factor in how you form your attachment style, according to the Attachment Project, is what your parents or caregivers taught you about relationships, “The child is dependent on his or her caregivers and seeks comfort, soothing, and support from them. If the child’s physical and emotional needs are satisfied, he or she becomes securely attached. <...> Misattunement on the side of the parent, on the other hand, is likely to lead to insecure attachment in their children.”

You develop one of the attachment styles between 7 and 11 months of age, as mental health counselor Grace Suh explains and psychologist and couples therapist Kristina Jordan adds that “toddlers were monitoring their parents to see what strategies would allow them to stay close” because being close to your caregiver is necessary for survival.

The attachment style we have with our parents then reflects in our relationships and although it is possible to change it if you have an insecure attachment style, you need to be aware of it to do it. But do you think it has anything to do with the perilla leaf test? Do you think it’s inherently wrong for a significant other to be so attentive to your friend? Or do you think your experience depends on your personality and experiences, a.k.a. your attachment style? Join the discussion in the comments!