Having good manners is something any fully functioning human should have, starting from their childhood. Sadly, some parents go too far when trying to ensure their children have them.
Like this mom, who threw a fit when her son's cousin pointed out that her "no-phones at the table" rule was too extreme, while other relatives kind of backed him up. She vented about it online, and when netizens didn't support her either, she was hurt and revealed that initially she'd hidden some details.
More info: Mumsnet
Manners are a useful thing, but shouldn't be pushed so much that they become impractical
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
A mom has a strict rule of no phones at the table, and when her son was encouraged by his cousin to break it during his birthday party, she ordered him to stop
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photos)
Instead of the son answering anything, the cousin called the woman's rules excessive, while other family members silently agreed with him
Image credits: Anthony LE / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So, the woman got angry and got in a fight with her husband, since it was his family that disrespected her
Image credits: shill4nuttn
She also vented about it online, where people weren't supportive either and even dubbed her fussy
The whole drama happened during the birthday of the OP's son, who is mentioned to be a young teenager. For this birthday, they went out to a restaurant to celebrate it with his dad's side of the family.
During this party, the boy’s cousin started showing him something on his phone. It should be noted that none of the author’s kids, including the birthday boy, own phones. So, if they get at least some screen time, they probably do it on their parents’ devices, but even that is forbidden during dinner or other meals at the table. Birthday parties at restaurants are no exception.
Many parents have this rule at the dinner table because they want to connect with their family members instead of being absorbed by their devices. Eating together is a perfect time for a family to catch up on their daily lives (school, work), hobbies, plans, and many other things. That’s how bonds are built and strengthened.
Bored Panda's interviewee parenting expert Rachel Bailey said while enforcing such rules on their children, parents should note that being consistent and addressing the impact of it is important.
By the former, she means that it’s important to show a child that you are serious about the boundaries you set. So, when a child throws a tantrum to make you give in, you shouldn't, as it would signal to them that’s how they can make you abandon your principles. "If they have experienced that throwing a fit does not get them what they want, they're less likely to do it."
Addressing the impact means considering the reasons why a child might resist the rule. Then, it's important to brainstorm how to solve this resistance by coming up with alternative solutions.
Tying this back to the main story, we could say that the original poster fell short in coming up with alternative solutions but was certainly trying to be consistent by not allowing her son to use his phone, even during his birthday party. When she did that, instead of her son reacting to this order, his cousin did. He responded that he let the boy use the phone and called the woman “autocratic.”
Well, we couldn’t find anything about autocratic parenting, but we did for an authoritarian style. It’s when a parent sets rigid rules for children, usually without explanation, and expects the children to obey without questioning them. The kids proceed to follow these rules knowing that if they don’t, there will be consequences.
So, maybe the cousin had this in mind when he called the woman autocratic. Either way, we don’t know her well enough to speculate about her parenting style. Still, the woman was taken aback by this accusation.
Image credits: Vladyslav Tobolenko / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Plus, it was clear that the cousin has quite an influence over the boy. Our interviewee shared some advice on how parents should address such influence from family members.
First, a parents needs to manage their own values and believe in what they're teaching their kids: "The more we trust ourselves, the more comfortable we are when someone questions us."
Then, it could be useful to prepare a response to use for when someone tries to question or influence your values: "It could be something like 'Thank you for telling me your thoughts' or 'I appreciate you letting me know.' That way, the other person feels heard but we don't have to spend energy deciding how to best defend ourselves."
Well, the woman likely didn't have a response like that prepared, even though she tried discussing her cousin's behavior with his mom, which didn’t really change anything. Soon after, something else happened that infuriated her even more.
It was caused by her father-in-law, who joined in on the debate. Basically, he said that everyone should shut up and enjoy the meal, especially the birthday boy. This vexed the woman even further.
From that point on, the whole party seemed awkward to her. After that, she got into a fight with her husband over his family disregarding her rules and acting disrespectfully towards her. She was also shocked that everyone made her out to be the bad guy for restricting her son’s phone usage in a restaurant. So, she came on Mumsnet to vent about it and probably to get some supportive words.
Instead, people in the forum weren’t as nice as she probably expected. Many of them thought that the woman was overreacting to the whole situation. For some, it even seemed that she had an overly extreme phone policy, so, in a way, they agreed with what the cousin expressed. Overall, the mom was dubbed fussy, over-the-top, and insufferable.
Later, the woman went to the comments to express how hurt she was by all these claims. Apparently, she just wanted to share her story and get some nice advice but got destroyed instead. She also clarified some things, like that she didn’t ruin her son’s party. In fact, the boy himself apologized later for putting her in that position.
She also said that there’s a whole underlying backstory with her in-laws that she didn’t cover and doesn’t plan to since the internet was so cruel to her. Well, at least she got her father-in-law’s promise to think about apologizing for telling her to shut up. Still, she’s planning to put distance between herself and her husband’s parents, because of that aforementioned history.
What we can take away from this story is that maybe sometimes it’s good to let go of strict rules. Birthdays and similar occasions are nice because they give us a chance to let loose a little bit from our daily routine and habits, celebrate life, and have a nice time with the people in our lives. At the same time, we shouldn’t judge people for having these rules in the first place; maybe there’s a good reason they’re there.
So, later she provided an update, where she expressed how hurt by some of the comments she was and explained that her anger was caused by an uncomfortable history with her in-laws
