2011 was a year I will remember ... (If you are not in the mood for a story, just skip this part to the last 2 paragraphs.) ;)
We all know, that there are good times and there are bad times in everyone's life. We enjoy being happy and feel desperate if things are not like expected. But sometimes we can create something really wonderful out of the miserable.
There is a saying in German: "The tortured artist, is the most creative."
I do not believe that this is true. I believe that the "feeling artist" is an artist at its best. This said, I still have to admit, that I was suffering in this time of my life ... a lot!
2010 my girlfriend left me out of the blue and I was really desperate and literally ruined. I did not sleep or eat ... I smoked and drank ... a lot!
After some months I started to feel sick and in summer 2011 the diagnosis was pneumonia.
Well, after some weeks of taking antibiotics without any real results, I went to a specialist and his diagnosis was really frightening: Tubercolosis
From one moment to the other my life changed. I was told that I am not allowed to leave the hospital. I was in quarantine ... out of the sudden.
I was not expecting that 6 Months of horror would be my future. I lost 15 kilo and my weight went down to 60 kilo (I am 189 cm tall), I had long hair and I lost it wisp by wisp because of the medicine I had to take (13 pills a day), I was sweating like I never did before in my life - I now understood why this disease is also called "consumption". When I tried to take a shower, I had a "black screen" because I felt so weak and my circulation was not working properly. I had a lung crack after a bronchoscopy and besides the physical issues my psych suffered ... a lot!
I was not allowed to touch my son. I was not allowed to leave the area of the hospital. I was not allowed to speak to anyone without a respirator. It was just awful.
One day I felt the urge to use my time in the hospital more wisely ... at least somehow. So I asked my mother to bring me my camera equipment and my laptop.
The doctors told me that I am allowed to leave my room and to go outside as long as I felt comfortable with it. So I started to leave my room every day to explore the surrounding. I am lucky that I live in Vienna, a city with a lot of nature and beautiful spots. The hospital is situated directly in such a green area and so I had a lot to explore.
I met a family of deers in the woods and after some weeks they accepted me as somekind of weird stranger that had nothing better to do - somehow I think they knew about my situation and just felt sorry for me. So they dealed with the situation. ;)
I was sitting on a stump just watching them and sometimes I also was talking to them. The oldest one with a huge deer head observed me the whole time but accepted my presence. I felt a bit like Dian Fossey in the movie "Gorillas in the Mist". ;)
Another important waypoint on my journeys was an old and knotty tree. I cannot explain it, but this tree was somekind of anchor for me and always the final destination of my trips.
There was not one day I can remember on which I did not take my camera with me.
Photography was my therapy.
In fact I made the experience that any kind of art can be a treatement for mental illness or disorders.
All the following pics are memories. They make me thankful for these experiences and I remember this time of my life as something special and not only as something miserable.
Why I am telling you this story or at least a small part of it? Well, I am sure that there are many people out there that are suffering, desperate and in somekind of struggle ... I just wanna show you that even the worst situation can be used to create something wonderful.
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"Another day ends" - the title says it all ... Life in hospital was very repetitive. I was not counting the days
"Tree of Gold" - ... but somehow I felt like my days were numbered
"Shimmer of hope" - So I started to focus on the beautiful things. I just laid there on (or in) the grass and watched nature doing its job
"As I lay here" - ... just like this old trunk
"Simple" - Sunbeams and a flower ... it can be so simple to make someone smile
"New Life" - It were the little things that made me happy
"Bokeh" - These "little things" are everywhere and always there
"Drops" - ... but too often we just forget to honor them
"Dornenreich" - ... I went through the world with open eyes
"Feather" - ... open heart
"In Flames" - ... and joyful inside my soul
"Under water" - ... despite all circumstances
"Dew" - Sometimes I left my room early in the morning. I just tried to use any moment that I felt strong enough to go outside
"Evening Glory" - ... but normally I went out in the late afternoon, so I would have a nice view from the hill
"Breath" - ... just to watch another sunset
"Somewhere between here and the rainbow" - there were a lot of gifted moments and I am really thankful for that
"Prelude" - Such sundowns made my life colorful
"Fire in the Sky" - ... and washed away the pain
"Eden" - When I arrived my special spot, the deer family was already waiting for me (at least I like to think about it like that)
"Bambi" - It is hard to explain, but this little family of deers was one of my silver linings on a dark horizon
"Old Friend" - Likewise this tree, that always will be a part of my memory and I will remember it as my companion that was waiting for me ... every day
"The One" - This old and knotty fella was the final destination of my walks ... every evening
Long hair, long ago - I might lost my hair but I gained strength ... a lot!
