To Be A Man: My Portrait Series Challenging The Concept of Toxic Masculinity

“It’s okay for me to ask for help. There is a study that says suicide rates are much higher for men than for women. This is because men and boys are much less likely seek help when they need it. You shouldn’t have to qualify for it. Anyone, regardless of their gender, should feel they can ask for help. This should be accepted and it should be what is considered normal.”

"It’s okay for me to wear make-up. Being a straight man affords me the privilege of being comfortable. Because, as a man, I sit at the very center of the system that creates the dominant narratives about the world, I can always feel comfortable that my act of self expression is valid. However, people who don’t identify as straight men don’t have the same luxury. The very act of self expression can be fraught with inconveniences. So it is important for me that I use my relative position of privilege to highlight ways in which non-traditional modes of expression are equally valid. Presenting myself in traditionally feminine ways is a way for me to assert that healthy masculinity allows a space for expressions that are as varied as the people who make them."

“It's ok for me to show my emotions and cry. There is nothing wrong with showing your soft side. We all are humans and these feelings are completely normal. It is not wrong for men to cry at all! In fact, I would say it is vital for men to cry, to let their emotions out and share their feelings with others. There are cultures where men are not supposed to cry or at least hide their weaknesses, it's better if they seem more controlled and emotionally numb. People think if we cry we’re linked to weakness since we can't take control over our emotions. We hear phrases like, “Don’t be a pussy”, “Stop being a girl” a lot. If we keep hearing phrases like these, what do boys all around the world think about being boys today? Whom will they look up to, and how will they navigate the transition from being boys to becoming men?”

“It’s okay for me to be the little spoon. Men like being cuddled too.”

"It's okay for me to disregard and denounce some of my cultural traditions and values if they are rooted in sexist ideologies and prejudice. This way of thinking would perpetuate the world in which male chauvinism and misogyny will continue to run rampant, a world in which my mother, sisters and potential daughters must live."

"It's okay for me to be a stay-at-home husband. Coming from a society that is so steeped in patriarchy, I just want to be the devils advocate and challenge taboos and paradoxes."

“It’s okay for me to not compare the differences between men and women. We are all human and that is all that should matter”.

“It's okay for me to wear pink. I don't think colors should be meant for a specific gender, and it's annoying to feel we must limit our choices for such reasons."

“It’s okay for me to ask for directions. A man asking for directions seems to imply admitting that you can't figure it out on your own. I think we often want to prove we can do it and asking for directions is seen as some sort of weakness or defeat."

“It’s okay for me to be feminine. I have been told multiple times by others that my hand gestures are really girly. I cared a few times but then I realized this is something I can't really control. People have also told me that face my looks very girly and I could easily pass as a girl. Now, what can I do about looking like me? So I guess, it’s okay for me to have a "beautiful face" (darn I said it!). Regardless, I can't do anything about how I look. I am reminded about an incident last month in the Hyatt Hotel in Mumbai. I ordered room service and opened the door after the bell rang. I was wearing bathrobes and my hair was down. The guy looked at me and said good evening "MAM", I replied in a very husky voice to disappoint him, “good evening please come in and put the food on table”. He immediately turned blue and started apologising and offering me freebies to please me. All this time I remained cool and composed and thinking why can’t a guy have long hair and more feminine features and just be seen as a man? The thing is I am sure he thought I was a transgender or something... So I guess it’s okay for me to be mistaken as a woman or transgender. The man that I am is not dependent or affected by what others think!”

"It's ok for me to acknowledge the role men have played in establishing the system that does not value women as much as men, and the responsibility men have in changing this reality. Its ok for me to acknowledge that when we talk about ‘violence against women’ we are talking about violence that is being perpetrated by men. It's ok for men, like me, to take a stand - to step up and speak up - to alter the expectation of what it means to be a ‘man'."

“It’s okay for me to cry. I’m a cryer. For example, today I visited the sacred Pashupathinath temple in Kathmandu and just cried. I get emotional and that’s okay.”

“It’s okay for me to be passive. I don’t enjoy confrontation yet I am constantly made to feel as though I should be tough in the face of it. I don’t want to be expected to fight back when somebody throws a punch or start yelling when somebody insults me just because I’m a man.”

"It's okay for me to be insecure. I have always felt like, as a man, I am supposed to be confident and dominant, and not supposed to ever feel shy or insecure. This pressure of masculinity made it very difficult for me to deal with my insecurities. Learning to accept them helped a lot in understanding, and in the end, dealing with them."

"Its okay for me to do the 'little things" for my female friends or girlfriend when in a relationship. For example, I once knelt down in the street to tie my friends shoe lace that had come undone, this took her by surprise and said she doesn’t know many men who would do that, especially in public. Many men feel doing such things are not "manly" and worry they would get mocked by their male friends or 'macho' men."

"It’s okay for me to be who I am, warts and all. I mean that figuratively (I have nothing against dermatology). I think “toxic masculinity” is rooted in men’s insecurities. If I were to give advice to my younger self about what it means to be a good man, I think the main thing would be this: care less about what others think, judge others less, and learn more. Don’t worry about maintaining that practiced disheveled look, or about how many parties you’ve been to, or about your experience (or lack thereof) dating girls, or about how you’re perceived because of who your parents are. Don’t presume to know what motivates others, for there is much to human nature and the world that you don’t understand (and may never understand). Life is a constant learning process. Forgive others because sometimes you’ll need to be forgiven too. Get to know as many different kinds of people as you can and learn from them."

“It’s okay for me to be a man who isn’t afraid to show his emotional side. My emotions are a part of who I am. Having the strength to be open about this and not hide is pure freedom.”

“It's okay for me to value love and relationships more than sex. In my generation, casual sex is considered more acceptable and less taboo than of days past. While a promiscuous woman is still frowning upon much more by society than a promiscuous man is, I feel that society considers men who aren't that interested one night stands to be less "manly". Television, music, and movies have all glorified having casual sex over having a relationship so much so that young men tend to believe it's a defining characteristic of being a "true man." Obviously, there's no problem with both men and women having casual sex and not developing their relationship any further but there's also no problem in anybody wanting to have physically intimate relations only with people they feel emotionally attracted to.”

"Its okay for me to be afraid. The notion of fear is always held in relation to failure for boys. I've realized that being afraid opens opportunities for learning. In today’s day and age I've noticed men reacting irrationally because they are afraid to show people that they do not know something."

"It's ok for me to be sensitive to intersectionality and to be an ally in fights for social justice, because, as a CIS white gay male, I am bombarded with privilege that I definitely don't deserve."