Moving in with a partner is a big step. Doing it when you have kids from a previous relationship takes things to a whole new level. It’s not just the adults who will be sharing a space and navigating different personalities, but the children too.
One guy has realized that it probably wasn't the best decision to move his unstable girlfriend into the home he shares with his two young kids. He says the woman has turned their safe space into an emotional minefield. It’s become so bad that he’s even considering offering her money to move out peacefully... but he’s not sure if he should try and work on the relationship instead.
He ignored the red flags and moved his GF in with him and his kids anyway
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Her toxic traits have turned their home upside down, but doesn't know how to get her out
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Image credits: Brooke Cagle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Guava_Careless
How to navigate moving in together, when one of you has kids from a previous relationship
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Slow and steady wins the race. That's the advice from relationship expert Coach Adrian, who says the worst thing you can do is to rush the process of moving in together, especially when more people than just you and your partner are involved.
"You want to give the kids the opportunity to get used to the idea of moving in together, so plan to move in together over the course of a long time," explains the relationship coach. "The more spontaneous it feels, the more of a shock it will be for them."
Coach Adrian says the couple should always give kids enough time to acclimate to the idea. It's a big change for them, after all. He adds that suddenly announcing a move after keeping your relationship a secret can turn into a disaster.
"It’s ideal to let your kids gradually see your relationship, be aware of your partnership, and feel that it isn’t something that you’re hiding," the expert advises. "If you can incrementally let your partner be more present in the lives of your children, it will be easier for the new relationship to feel natural for them."
If, like the dad in the post, your plan is to have your partner move into your house, you can start by just allowing them to sleep over and then leave in the morning. "With time, you can slowly transition to asking them to bring a change of clothes in addition to a toothbrush that they can leave at your house," the coach adds.
Doing it this way means that by the time the actual big move arrives, the children will have already grown accustomed to spending a lot of time with your partner. The fact that his or her things are already in the house will feel more like “any other day,” says Coach Adrian.
If you don't do things gradually, it could come as a shock to the kids when another person suddenly appears and takes up space. "Things will feel uncomfortable and foreign," warns the relationship expert. "We want to slowly build a sense of familiarity and comfort."
But it doesn't stop there. The expert says it's important that the previous way of living doesn't disappear altogether once someone else moves in. For example, if all the furniture gets replaced, the walls are painted and the curtains get taken down, it's going to be a big adjustment.
If you're the one moving, it's still important to maintain a sense of familiarity. "Your kids are going to need to see evidence of their previous home," Coach Adrian explains. "So if you and your children are the ones moving into your partner’s place, don’t hesitate to bring things with you like picture frames, or even furniture!"
The expert stresses that you should never rush the move. And it goes without saying that it's not a decision to be taken lightly. "Be careful with moving in together too soon if there are kids involved," he says again. "It’s a delicate process so make sure you give it time to develop naturally."
"Love should never come at the expense of your children's emotional well-being": a divorce expert weighs in
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Divorce coach Michelle Dempsey-Multack has first-hand experience of moving in together when kids are involved. The expert started dating her second husband when her daughter was 2 years old. Dempsey-Multack says you should never be afraid to put your child or children first.
"If you find yourself in a situation where your partner expects to come before the kids in all situations, you may want to rethink things," she wrote. "They shouldn't call the shots but they do still need to know that you're there for them. The right partner will respect and appreciate you even more when they do get the time with you."
She says you lay the foundation early on. "You don't want to force something as delicate as introducing your children to your new partner," warns Dempsey-Multack.
The expert says it's important that your "parent intuition" is turned all the way up once your new partner meets your kids. "How does he or she interact with them? Does it seem natural or forced? Does their discipline style make you uncomfortable? Do you not like the advice they give you when it comes to parenting your own kids? Trust me, these things matter, because if you overlook them now, they'll come back to bite you—and your kids—later on down the road."
The divorce coach adds that another red flag is if your partner is being too pushy with the kids or dismissive of their needs.
"If your partner seems perfect for you, but is impatient or jealous of your time with your kids, demands you treat them differently, or makes them uncomfortable, honor that and run," says Dempsey-Multack. "You can always find another partner, but you may not be able to undo the damage that can come from your partner mistreating your children."
Netizens showed their support but they were divided on how the dad should break up with his GF
Some felt the guy should never have put his kids in this situation in the first place
