Some people say that friends are the family you choose, but no one really talks about how tough things get when life hits hard. Strong friendships can survive anything. But grief? That’s a different beast that can shake up even the closest bonds. One minute you’re swapping memes and planning brunch and the next, it’s radio silence. When life gets messy, even the best of friends can struggle to stick together.
That’s the tough spot one woman found herself in, heartbroken over what seemed like the end of a friendship she thought was unbreakable, after her best friend’s miscarriage.
More info: Mumsnet
Grief can make people do unpredictable things, especially when it involves losing a baby
Image credits: Nataliya Vaitkevich / Pexels (not the actual photo)
One mom-to-be learned this the hard way when her lifelong best friend suddenly cut all contact with her after having a miscarriage
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The two best friends got pregnant at the same time, which should have been a very exciting thing, but unfortunately one woman lost her baby early in the pregnancy
Image credits: Juliia Abramova / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman had her baby on what was supposed to be her friend’s due date and, after saying “congratulations,” the friend stopped replying to any calls and texts
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The new mom is heartbroken, thinking she has lost her lifelong friend forever, asking for advice online
You know those friendships that have been through hell and back but came out on the other side shining? Well, that was our OP’s (original poster) bond with her best friend. But things got complicated for this duo when the two besties got pregnant at the same time. Double the excitement, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, the OP’s friend suffered a miscarriage just before her 12-week scan.
Like any ride-or-die friend, the OP did what she could - she offered support and kept her pregnancy on the down-low. She didn’t want to rub salt in the wound. I can understand why she kept things quiet.
If it were me, I would’ve probably done the same thing. But, man, sometimes no matter what you do, it just isn’t enough. One ghosted text turned into another and, before she knew it, the OP and her best friend were slowly drifting apart.
After her miscarriage, the OP’s friend asked for some space. No ultrasound pics, no baby updates and no bump selfies. Basically, no reminders that she was missing out. Fair enough.
But when your bestie stops replying altogether, starts canceling every plan and even unfollows you on Instagram? It starts feeling like you’re losing her faster than you can say “baby shower.” I don’t know about you, but I think I’d start freaking out at this point. I mean, a social media ban is the number 1 “I don’t want anything to do with you” sign.
Experts say grief, especially after something as heartbreaking as a miscarriage, can make being around pregnant friends very difficult. I get it. It’s not easy to be around something that reminds you of what you’ve lost, and you probably just want to shut everything out just to avoid the pain.
Image credits: iam hogir / Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s common for women to feel intense grief, isolation and even jealousy when seeing a pregnant friend continue with her motherhood journey. This might explain why some friendships struggle after such tragedy, just like the OP and her best friend are.
To find out more on this topic, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD, a professor of clinical psychology and psychiatry at the University of Arizona and author of the book “The Grieving Brain,” for some comments. She told us that becoming a parent starts the moment we find out we're expecting, or even before conception, as we begin to adopt the identity of “mother” or “father.” This transition means that our bond with the future child begins even before birth, with the attachment forming as we start envisioning them.
We asked Dr. O’Connor why some people isolate themselves from friends during grief, and how friends can best support them without overstepping boundaries. She explained that those who haven't experienced a miscarriage might mistakenly believe there’s no grief involved since the baby hasn't been born. However, the pain is very real.
Many individuals who grieve often feel a sense of guilt, believing they could have done something to prevent the loss, and mothers frequently grapple with this guilt during a miscarriage. The anticipation and effort invested in the pregnancy amplify the grief, creating a sense of profound loss and anxiety regarding future pregnancies.
“Having profound grief and worry while a friend is experiencing the joys of pregnancy or has a healthy baby is difficult for a relationship. Their positive experience a reminder of our own loss, making it difficult to engage in conversations and events surrounding their pregnancy,” O’Connor explains.
We wanted to know if, when a grieving person cuts off contact with a close friend, it is usually temporary, or if it could be a sign of a more permanent emotional shift. Dr. O’Connor told us that in times of grief, it's common to want to withdraw from friends and family. We might lack the energy to engage with others or simply dread having to revisit difficult conversations repeatedly. Supportive friends should focus on being present and providing assistance in ways that the grieving person finds helpful, rather than trying to make them feel better.
“Grief has no expiration date. In fact, most people find that grief doesn’t go away, but rather becomes a part of their ongoing life and eventually fits in with other feelings like love and joy. Finding others who understand the kind of loss we have had, such as finding a miscarriage support group or reading an autobiography of someone with a miscarriage loss, is helpful to many,” O’Connor suggests.
So, what’s a gal to do when her bestie has basically vanished? Even after 4 months after the baby arrived, the silence is deafening. The OP is left heartbroken. She’s wondering if their lifelong friendship is officially over. Sounds rough, right? It is, for sure. But the best thing our OP can do is pretty much what she’s already doing – giving her friend the space to heal while keeping the door open for when she’s ready. It’s probably easier said than done, right?
It’s tough to tell if this lifelong friendship can really bounce back. I’m honestly torn. I’d want to believe a friendship this strong can survive, but part of me would wonder if it’s ever going to be the same again. But, if these two got through all that high school drama, maybe there’s still a chance for them to patch things up.
What do you think of this story? Do you think this friendship can survive, or should the OP prepare to move on? Let us know in the comment section.
Netizens say the woman is doing pretty much all she can do, giving her friend space, as she probably can’t deal with the intense grief
