26 Customer Reviews So Funny, You'll Forget What You Were Shopping For

Review: "10 out of 10. Would by again. Haven't pooped for a few days. Had 8 of these and out came a bologna sandwich from 2nd grade. I mean, if you want to impress your friends or a date, shovel down a hand full of these an hour before hand and your cheeks will be clapping like it just saw a premiere Broadway show in the front row. It'll let you have the whole bed at night if your the first to get in bed. The wife says my farts are louder and longer than me snoring. You'll send sonar signals to the other toilets in the house. If you're luck, someone will be on thatvtoilet and you'll give em a little splash. Again 10 out of 10." - Robert Jordan

Review: "At first I wasn't sure if spending money on a sticker of an old lady with an inhaler was a good idea but once I got it I knew I had made the right choice. She keeps me company in my apartment since I don't have any actual friends, we eat, play board games, and watch tv together. We have so much in common like our love for breathing and other things. She doesn't argue like real people do and Unlike a girlfriend I don't have to take her on dates, worry about keeping her happy and she doesn't nag me for money. Overall I am 100% satisfied with my purchase." - Andy

Review: "I got these pens partly because people made fun of the fact that they were for women. I got them to write anti-feminist articles. Really I thought if I bought them I might actually get good at things like vacuuming and washing dishes and decorating. The pens work great but I'm still not very good at homemaking. Dang." - Linda

Review: "I have to admit I am a bit of a reluctant cat owner. However, I've realized that I can't put off some of these conversations any longer. This book really helped give me the tools I needed in order to have the hard conversations with my cat. The chapters on abstinence, while a little uncomfortable, or particularly cogent to our cat's experience. This book has literally saved my relationship with my cat and I cannot recommend it enough. This morning I found him reading it when I woke up and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much to the author and everyone who helped create this book, you are doing God's work." - Michael Tallino

Review: "I use this working on the space station and other missions. Gravity is not an issue hence weight is not an issue. Having this many functions on one carry item that I can keep in my chest pouch comes in handy. Especially during exigent and emergent situations. One time I even threw it, stiking an asteroid and was able to deflect the asteroid just enough to keep it from hitting our station. Bottom line... It saves lives!" - Keith Miller

Review: So I wake up in the middle of the night in my 2 bedroom apartment. I find me roommate passed out face down on the wooden floor. I think nothing of it and go back to sleep. The next morning I wake up to go to work and there is a homeless guy asleep on my couch. My roommate woke up still drunk and had made friends with a bum. And this is the second time he let a stranger off the street just stroll in and pass out. Great.

You are probably thinking what does this have to do with my arts and crafting.

Well I bought this product and proceeded to cover everything my roommate owns in glitter. Every T shirt, every book, ever pair of shoes, his bed... I covered his entire life in glitter. He will have glitter in every crevice of his existence until he dies.

Did some track out all over my apartment? yes.
Does the carpet look like a care bear farted all over it? Yes.
Did he threaten to kill me? Sure.
But will he ever let another stranger sleep on the couch? No
Will I ever have to worry about a random guy off the street murdering me in the night? No

All the security for just $12.44. Unbelievable Staggering Value. Cannot recommend enough." - Brian Spatz

Review: "It is not cat food.

Does anyone know if there's a cure for sudden tentacles? The cat's huge and well, doesn't really look much like a cat anymore. She still answers to Muffin though. However, if she rubs against my bare leg one more time her new name will be calamari." - General Garbage Person

Review: "they're crap, but it's quantity over quality. passed them out at a protest against the westboro baptist church to drown them out. not the loudest on their own, but when you've got 70 odd angry queers kazooing in unison, well..." - E. Parker

Review: "I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport." - Rico

Review: "Got stopped by the police. I already knew why he got me (speeding) but of course, I was gonna ask him why he stopped me. I don’t have any extra money to give them so I decided to test my luck and humor. About a week ago, I purchased some fart spray and tried it on my wife, but wanted to see just how far I could push it. The bottle says to squirt about 2 sprays. Well as the policeman walks toward my vehicle I sprayed about 5 squirts. He gets to my window and asks me to get out. I said I can’t! He immediately stops in his tracks and he says lawd...what’s that? I said I have IBS and I've had an accident sir! The look on his face was priceless. I said Sir my stomach hurts and I’m trying get home because I.... (he is at my window and I didnt even finish my sentence) He grabs his face, backs up and says... Omg.. I think you need an ambulance. I said no (of course trying not to laugh...he looked worried and sick ) I live right around the corner.
Policeman: YES SIR BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO SPEED BUT I UNDERSTAND ITS AWFUL. HOLD ON.. I’LL ESCORT YOU!
Yall, I didnt expect it to go this way but the police waited til I got out the car (he stayed in his) so I had to walk all the way to my door with my butt cheeks clinched and limpin’ like I was hurtin’!
Moral of the story: Don’t have one ...but I’m going to buy a case of that fart spray. No ticket written!" - Sean C.

Review: "I purchased this item and am blown away by its effectiveness. I started this device up and immediately detected not one, not two, but five seperate UFOs in my immediate area. I am currently working on a way to communicate with what I assume is an intelligent species visiting our planet, but so far, I have been unsuccessful. I am waiting to see if this company will be selling a UFO communications device in the near future. If it is anything like this detector, I will be extremely happy. Thank you for a great product !" - Andy Sutcliffe

Review: "Well, what can I say. It never occurred to me that there are people out there who's head diameter is the same as their wrist diameter, but apparently there are. Unfortunately, my wife isn't on of them. It was almost worth keeping just for the laughs. She could not pull the thing over her head. You can see in the photograph what I mean. If you are considering this turtleneck please be aware, they are taking the word 'turtleneck' quite seriously. Am sending back. Amazon is very good about returns." - James4257

Review: "My wife bought this for our pregnancy announcement and it was too big. I saw my opportunity and I knew what I had to do.

This dress does it all!
You want feel pretty? Check
Majestic? Sure
Pregnant? Of course
Hot? It's lit fam

I'd rate this a perfect 5/5, I'm not sure how it works for the ladies but it made me feel like a queen." - Gil

Review: "My brother is a huge cock enthusiast so I bought him this book for Christmas. He was extremely impressed by the book, it was thicker than he expected, and he seems to really be taking it all in." - Jason Cupkey

Review: "I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children. They are terrified of the mask. Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin." - Randi Elizabeth

Review: "What better way to start off your morning other than danny devito standing at your bed frame. His glorious partially balding head shines the sun from the window right into you eyes. It's almost like having a kiss from an angel. If the angel was disgusting and short." - Isaac

Review: "I just picked uuyp my laptop hoder from the post offfice and I'm ddriving home now. It's OK Iguess, but the bumpy road majkes it hard to type. And theree's a lot of pedeestrians and traffi c that keep distracti9ng me fromm my computer.

It's prolly OK ffor web browsing or email, but I don'gt think it will be so useful for mmore complex tasks. Oh, and yyou can't make any sharrp turns. So when you turn right, somnetimess you have to use the oppsing lane of traffic." - John Meinken

Review: "if I could give these sponges a million stars I would. I love them so much I couldn't even bring my self to use them I drew faces on them, they are now my friends and I have a little over 40 sponges! I am soon ordering more. I LOVE THESE SPONGES! they are a gift from god!" - Juliennes

Review: "I had one of these once, it worked fine for apples but I don't like apples. Then I tried pears and they exploded. The durian wouldn't fit but I can only assume it would have summoned an elder god or something else equally forbidden by my apartment lease. So I am giving this an extra star because, hey, at least it didn't leave me homeless." - Dan P.

Review: "What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!" - Mrs T