#1
Not everyone was front in the line when life handed out confidence. Fortunately, it's a trait that can be learned and improved, or even faked if necessary.
Life coaching site BetterUp defines social skills as the abilities that enable us to navigate social interactions effectively and authentically while building meaningful connections with others. They include things like engaging in conversation, small talk, and making eye contact, in order to better to understand and respect the emotions and perspectives of others.
Having good social skills benefits you in more ways than you might realize. Studies have found that isolating yourself, or lack of social connection, can be more harmful than obesity, smoking or high blood pressure. And that isolation is associated with a 50% increased risk of dementia as you age.
#2
This has worked with all sorts of German bureaucracy, government, work, doctors, personal, whatever.
In short, channel your very polite, self-effacing, mildly incompetent but apologetic about it Hugh Grant of the 90s. It helps if you can master a slightly shy look as well.
I should add that I look nothing like him - I'm a 190CM/105kg bearded bald bloke with full sleeve tattoos.
But there's something about this kind of behaviour which, as I've been told, conforms entirely to the German perception of the British and which they largely find irresistibly charming.
As proof, at my doctor's one of the nurses, who is just old enough to be my mother, insists on a hug and strokes my arm reassuringly when I have a blood test. I'm in my 40s and diabetic - blood tests are nothing special, but still her maternal instincts have locked on.
To all Germans. I apologise, but now I've found your weak spot I'll never stop it 🤗.
#3
I worked with this girl and we disliked each other. One day I just looked at her- she'd gotten her hair done- and I said "That looks really good on you!" and her usual stankface went to confused so fast lol. But you have to mean it- I did, it suited her. But your enemy will leave you alone for a while as they go ponder what chess game you're playing.
There are a number of ways to improve your social skills and one the best is to put yourself in someone else's shoes. "Imagine the other person's perspective and feelings," explains BetterUp. "This helps you practice empathy and respond appropriately during conversations or social events."
Equally important is introspection, or looking inwards. What are you feeling? What are you thinking? What emotions rule you? Why do you behave the way you do? What are your triggers?
"Developing self-awareness makes it easier to control them in social interactions, reducing feelings of being awkward or uncomfortable," notes the site.
#4
#5
It feeds their ego, you learn what you wanted, everyone is happy with the result.
It works when I use it. I know it works on me as well.
#6
One of my best friends has a LOUD voice she is completely unaware of, which can be incredibly annoying when we’re in public, so I will lower my speaking volume and she will subconsciously lower hers to match my volume.
You've probably heard of IQ, which deals with intelligence, and EQ, which measures emotional intelligence. But have you ever heard of SQ? SQ measures social intelligence (SI), and it's all about how we make sense of the people around us. SI also describes a person’s interpersonal abilities.
According to HealthHub, a socially intelligent person (someone with high SI) "displays strong social competencies and nourishing behaviours that make other people feel valued, trusted, and respected."
The site adds that high SI people are often "amiable and affable," and they generally interact well with others. In addition, they're often able to get others to cooperate with them.
#7
The anti socials need some spotlight some times.
#8
**Instead** of saying that, say "**I remember** you told me about this." It's more kindly affirming to the other person that you've listened when they told you the details/story in the past while also serving as a gentle reminder that they've already shared it. One response makes the person feel shut down whereas the other leaves them feeling heard. It's a small change, but it's come up a helluva lot and I like using it.
#9
Always say hello to them and treat them like human beings. You would be surprised at how nice they treat you and help you out.
And it's the right thing to do anyway, since they are human beings who deserve to be treated with respect.
On the flipside, those with low social intelligence are often seen as unsociable, and leave others feeling frustrated, inadequate, and devalued.
However, these people aren't always intentionally unsociable. Instead, their behavior often stems from a lack of social awareness and not understanding or realizing how the way they interact affects other people.
#10
Like when my kids can't seem to get past having a rough day at school: "anything I can do to help? Food? Water? Send a genetically engineered giant capybara to demolish the school?" The absurdity of the last one is kind of like giving the stuck brain a little shake. It doesn't immediately fix everything, but very often it gets them unstuck enough to stop obsessing and start on the path to a better mood.
#11
It's surprising how much that helps the person, how much it confuses their boss since its not a complaint, and how long that its remembered. Later on, if I return to the same place I get better treatment and that can lead to others you are with to think better of you.
Inversely, when I see others treating people badly, particularly those in a service position, my opinion of them goes sharply down. I am far from the only one like this.
#12
If you want to hit Ctrl + Charm in life, experts suggest this: Master connecting with people and relationship management. In other words, make other people feel comfortable around you and like they are being seen, listened to and understood.
Show curiosity, suggests HealthHub. "Ask people questions that show interest in their lives but avoid being intrusive." The site explains that it's all in the way you ask a question. For example, "Tell me more about your weight-loss programme" is better than “How much do you weigh now?”
#13
For some reason when you stay quiet people break.
#14
#15
Which sounds more reassuring to you?
* "Just take on the monthly report, it's not that hard, don't stress about it!"
* Or "hey, I'd like you to take on the monthly report. I know it's a big and challenging project, but I also have seen your work and I know you can do a great job.".
It's also important to listen actively without interrupting.
"People like to be heard," explains the site. "Allowing them to talk with minimal interruption lets others see you as caring, trustworthy, and likeable." And if you struggle to keep quiet, use one of the hacks on this list: mute yourself while on a call to allow the other person a chance to speak.
#16
#17
It works surprisingly well in getting me to talk more and be more of a part of conversations.
#18
Finally, we said it before and we will say it again: Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Tune into their needs and feelings. If you can understand what others are thinking and how they’re feeling about things, you're already winning. Of course, this ties into empathy... "When people sense your empathy, they connect with you better," HealthHub explains.
Remember that social intelligence takes practice to master but that doesn't mean you can't fake it 'til you make it.
#19
#20
If you tell your group, "man, I can't believe how good John is getting at guitar" when John isn't there, you're planting seeds of trust in the others in your circle that if they're ever the ones that are missing from the social situation, you're more likely to be building them up than tearing them down. If you tell them, "I can't believe John still has that stupid mustache" and try to get a laugh out of them (assuming you wouldn't say that to John if he were there), you might get some laughs, but you'll also be planting seeds of distrust instead.
More broadly, apply the same technique even if the person is present. If you're hanging out with two people you know who don't know each other well and the subject is about desserts, tell Jenny, "Sarah here is an incredible baker. She made the best chocolate chip cookies for our Christmas party."
None of this has to be obvious or overt. Don't force these sort of things. But if you can associate in people's heads a sense of "this person builds people up" instead of "this person tears people down," especially (but not exclusively) when the person they're building/tearing isn't there, you're going to build a sense of trust in others.