my own transphobia
i've told this story countless amount of times now, but i'll say it again.
i had a crush on this person, ever since i was in 4th grade. always tried to be close to them, and half the time, i was. best friends, we trusted each other with every secret, told each other things we wouldn't tell anyone else. one day, they finally came out and told me they were trans and identified as a male.
i was devastated. my crush suddenly comes out as trans? this has to be a stupid trend, right? i acted cool at first, heavy emphasis on ACTED. i tried to remain friends but they definitely noticed me drifting away. one day, out of my dumb horny state, angry that my crush was a male, i came to them saying i was having a crisis and ghosted them for f*****g months.
didn't talk to them in the halls, didn't contact them afterwards, they were probably worried sick about. they eventually noticed this behavior and at somepoint, blocked me on all platforms. me, unable to speak with them, saw them in the halls of school one day and thought "huh, they look kinda cute" and realized i was still attracted to them.
i left them in a vulnerable state, in a confusing time, for f*****g nothing besides transphobia. since then, i've tried to find anyway to make contact with them. not to reconsile our friendship or give a shot at dating, but so i can say i'm sorry. i just hope they're successful in life, that's it. i just hope they didn't let a dumba** like me dictate their emotions and feelings. i was a huge jerk who didn't deserve them at all.
ever since, i've been making attempts to be less bigoted. more open, less misogynistic. i just don't want a repeat of last time, and don't want anyone to go through what they did.
my only real friend, the only one who actually cared about me, who would go through hell and back for me, pick me up when i'm broken and down, pushed away by my own f*****g transphobia.
sorry for the long read, i just don't like settling for small paragraphs. even then, i don't think this did it justice.