Family is all about being there for each other when it matters most. So after both of their parents had passed, Reddit user GrowingUnder thought the relationship he had with his sister would stay strong.
This post may include affiliate links.
But when he needed someone to look after his elderly dog, she said no.
The man couldn’t forget it and carried a grudge until the tables turned, and it was his sister who wanted him to babysit her kids.
He returned the "favor" by refusing as well, but this tit-for-tat weighed on his peace of mind. Chasing closure, he shared the story online and asked people to weigh in, hoping for answers on whether he was in the right.
Dog owners can't always take their four-legged friends with them and need someone to watch over them while they're away
Image credits: Zen Chung/Pexels (not the actual photo)
This man, however, was forced to put his dog in an expensive pet hotel because his sister refused to help
So when she asked him to babysit her kids, he refused in return
Image credits: krakenimages.com/Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: GrowingUnder
Sibling rifts are often reparable
Image credits: SHVETS production/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Janet Reibstein, a family therapist, emeritus professor at Exeter University, United Kingdom, and author of Good Relations: Cracking the Code of How to Get On Better, says such rifts are common because family is the "cauldron of most intense emotions," with sibling relationships particularly "intense and problematic and rewarding," even when the parents are still around.
"The sibling has at its heart a dilemma, a sort of bipolar bit to it: you feel loyal and identified with each other, you've been through the same things, but at the same time you're competing for the limited resources any family has – physical space, food, but particularly for the attention, admiration, care of the most important people to you, which are your parents," she explained in an interview.
According to Reibstein, transition points such as marriage, career achievements, or, as it was in this case, loss, can be "potentially fragile times," highlighting "who was first, who gets what," and so on.
Reibstein says conflicts often take time to resolve, and the first step is processing and validating feelings of anger, which are "always a kind of defence against some sense of hurt or injustice."
"The rifts can't be healed until the pain is addressed," she says, adding that once hurt feelings are validated, anger often dissipates since there is a feeling that justice has been done.
Often, it can take a third party to recognize the underlying issue, point out that there are other perspectives, and encourage siblings to reflect on the role they may have played in driving the conflict.
"Anger is blinding, hurt is blinding, you can't really see the other person's side until you can get rid of those two things. That's why it often takes somebody outside to go 'how about this perspective?' – take the blinders off and you can see."
As people reacted to the man's story, he answered some of their biggest questions
Most readers said he didn't do anything wrong
But some argued he was being unfair
Having conversations, even if they don't resolve the disagreement, helps people at least understand each other
Almost one in three Americans, or 29%, are estranged from an immediate family member, according to a YouGov poll of 11,000 people.
The numbers also indicate a generational divide: 70% of adults age 65 and older say family relationships are the most important type of relationship, but only 50% of adults 30 and younger say the same.
The proliferation of conversations around boundaries and toxicity also stripped estrangement of its long-held stigma, says Thema Bryant, a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University and former president of the American Psychological Association.
"I think there is an increase in acceptance of [estrangement] as an option," Bryant says. "I think, historically, it was more rare and more frowned upon. There is not only an increase in it happening but also a readiness to speak about it, whereas previously, when people talked about it, it would maybe be with their closest friends."
To know if estrangement makes sense for you, Bryant recommends asking yourself a few questions:
- Does the person express any remorse?
- Do they apologize but keep repeating the behaviors, or are you seeing them make efforts to get better?
- Do they express that they have an understanding or appreciation for the fact that the behavior was harmful?
People can also limit their exposure to their relatives, as opposed to going no-contact. But if you choose this route, be sure to communicate that boundary to your family members.
"It's understandable if you avoid conflict if you come from a violent family," Bryant adds. "But there are times when we can repair and have clarity. Sometimes we are assuming that people know what bothered us and sometimes there's not even an agreement or full understanding of the facts."
"If it is not an issue of your bodily safety or integrity, sometimes a conversation can help. Even if you get to the end of the conversation and decide, 'I still want to take space. I expressed myself to you, and you still refuse to hear it,' you can have peace that you gave them the opportunity to make a different choice, and then they didn't."
Eventually, the man decided to change his mind
