It’s never a nice feeling when someone tries to control you and your life. Especially when it’s your partner and their parents, whom you probably want to get along with. However, there are limits to certain demands. How far would you be willing to sacrifice your identity just to keep your in-laws happy?
That’s a dilemma that u/Impossible_Box_3004 ran into. She went online to ask for advice about her boyfriend’s mom’s 60th birthday dinner party, which is taking place at a super fancy restaurant. The issue? Her partner’s mom wants her to cut her curly hair to be “more presentable,” something that she’s adamantly against. Now, her refusal is making sparks fly.
Scroll down for the full story and the advice various internet users gave the young woman. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for comment, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Your natural hair is a core part of who you are. It can hurt to realize that someone close to you wants you to change it
Image credits: oneinchpunchphotos/Envato (not the actual photo)
A woman was invited to her boyfriend's mother's 60th birthday party at a super fancy restaurant. However, she felt pressured to cut her curly hair to be... "more presentable"
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Impossible_Box_3004
Boundaries are there so that you retain your identity and protect your needs
Image credits: Nini FromParis/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
According to the Cleveland Clinic, healthy boundaries ensure that your needs are met. They allow you to retain your identity, promote healthy relationships, and allow you to be more assertive.
What’s more, boundaries prevent other people from taking advantage of you, protect you from manipulation, and empower you to aim for personal goals while having empathy for others.
Boundary coach Kami Orange told CNN that boundaries are a good thing. According to her, it can be awkward or even hurtful to hear someone tell you that they didn’t like what you did; however, this is actually very helpful info.
One way to see whether you set proper boundaries is to check in with yourself after a conversation with the other person. “When I have a relationship conversation where we’re like, ‘Hey, how do we find a way that works for both of us to maintain this relationship?’ We walk away feeling happy and loved,” she said.
Clinical mental health counselor Deborah Ashway adds that boundaries aren’t meant to be about control or manipulation.
Meanwhile, if someone’s boundaries are genuinely unacceptable to you, you should address this fact. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explained to CNN that “If somebody is asking you to do something that’s uncomfortable for you, you have the option to evaluate if you want to live in this discomfort, or do you want to say, ‘I really love you and I really like having you in my life, but this is not a boundary that I’m willing to live with.’”
On the one hand, you want to keep your uniqueness. On the other hand, you want to connect with other people. Often, it's a delicate balancing act
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The desire to be well-liked and respected is nothing to be ashamed of. Most people crave acceptance by members of their community. It’s an innate, instinctive, and very human drive. We’re hardwired for being social.
Which is why many of us might feel pressured to conform to what the people around us are doing. We might feel guilty if we stand out from the crowd too much. However, the issue with this is that if you fully give in to this pressure to conform, you potentially end up sacrificing a lot of your personality and individuality.
So, it’s often a balancing game. You behave in ways where you can genuinely connect with others and foster those deep, meaningful relationships. But you stop short of giving up your uniqueness.
A good rule of thumb is to consider how you’d behave if you knew nobody would judge you. Another aspect to think about is whether the demands you receive from other people match your values, needs, and priorities.
If someone’s request goes against your values (for example, they demand you change a core part of yourself that you love, like your natural hair), then it’s fair to say ‘no.’ And, if they respect you, they’ll also respect your boundaries and embrace that ‘no.’
Of course, that’s far easier said than done. Some people are so entitled and narcissistic that they might view your boundaries as optional. They won’t take ‘no’ for an answer and might try to guilt-trip you into doing what they want.
At that point, try to get on the same page with them, explaining how their behavior affects you and what you’d like your relationship to look like in the future. Be friendly but firm. If they keep ignoring your wants and needs, constantly criticizing your choices and appearance, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship with them.
Sometimes, reducing the time you spend with the person or cutting them out of your life (at least temporarily) can make them rethink their actions.
Having a good sense of humor also helps in these emotionally messy situations. If you can laugh at the absurdity that someone’s so obsessed with your hair instead of organizing a fun birthday party, you’ll feel far more confident.
You can feel quite a bit of pressure if you've never been to a high-end restaurant before, but it's not as daunting as it sounds
Image credits: Jason Leung/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
‘Perfection’ is overrated anyway. A fancy dinner party that looks incredibly aesthetic, stylish, and luxurious, but where some people are miserable, isn’t worth the effort. That’s not to say that fancy restaurants can’t be enjoyable (they certainly can!), but ideally, you want your guests relaxed and happy.
It can be pretty daunting to head to an incredibly fancy restaurant if you’ve never been to one before. It can be a lovely experience if you manage to set your stress aside and embrace the experience.
As per Business Insider, here are a few things that you should do:
- Dress nicely;
- Let your guests order first if you’re the host;
- Set up payment ahead of time as the host;
- If your food isn’t cooked properly, don’t be scared to send it back;
- Keep commonsense table manners in mind, like sitting up straight, keeping your arms off the table, and not talking with your mouth full.
Meanwhile, some things not to do include yelling to your waiter, putting your phone, keys, or purse on the table, or reaching out across the table to try the other guests’ food.
Regarding the wine, “the protocol is you have to keep it even if you don't like it because they opened the bottle for you," Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick of The Etiquette School of New York told Business Insider.
"However, if it really is awful, you don't have to keep it. Politely explain the problem to your waiter."
When’s the last time you were invited to dinner at a fancy restaurant, dear Pandas? How did things go? Have your partner’s parents ever tried to dictate your looks? How do you maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws? Tell us all about it in the comments section at the bottom of this article.
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