What’s in a name? Only your whole identity. Women are usually expected to take on their husband’s surname after marriage and adapt to this new way of life, while husbands aren’t really asked to do the same. That’s why some women insist on keeping their maiden names or hyphenating with their spouse.
This woman had been very open with her fiancé about doing that, and he seemed to be on board. But everything changed when his mother got involved, and that’s when things started to fall apart.
More info: Reddit
Mom creates trouble for son by convincing him that if he let his partner keep her maiden name, he would be signing himself up for an abusive marriage
Image credits: teksomolika (not the actual photo)
Woman told her fiancé that, as an only child, she wanted to carry on her family legacy and keep her maiden name, he initially agreed with the idea
Image credits: yanalya (not the actual photo)
2 weeks before the wedding, the woman discovered that her partner snuck behind her back and changed the cake, table centerpieces, and official handouts to his last name
Image credits: Brian Phetmeuangmay (not the actual photo)
When she confronted him, the guy said that his mom told him it would be “feminine, weak, and woke” to comply with his fiancée's wishes, which is why he went behind her back
Image credits: Dimitri Kuliuk (not the actual photo)
The woman gave him an ultimatum, saying that she’d call off the wedding if he didn’t accept her wishes, and he’d have to disinvite his mom from the ceremony
Image credits: CheescakeQueen
Her fiancé didn’t budge on his decision, and his mom sent her nasty messages, so she called off the wedding and later also learned that he had been cheating on her
The Original Poster (OP) is a 23-year-old woman. She and her 25-year-old partner got engaged after 2 years of dating. Since then, they've had a lot of discussions about their marriage, during which she told him that she wanted to keep her maiden name. It was important to her because she was an only child and wished to carry on the family legacy for her parents. They also agreed that their children could choose whose last name to go by. All of this went down smoothly with her partner.
In general, studies show that 79% of women in heterosexual marriages take their husband’s name, and only 14% keep their maiden names. When you observe this trend among men, only 5% take their wife’s last name, whereas a whopping 92% keep their surname. Since it’s so unusual for women to keep their last name, it’s great that OP wanted to discuss it at the earliest. But, despite what her partner initially said, it seems like he definitely didn’t like the idea.
She only found out about his true feelings when she saw the cake sample for their wedding. He had sneakily asked to have his surname put on the cake, table centerpieces, and handouts for the wedding. But the icing on the cake was that his mom had masterminded the entire thing. She had told him that complying with OP's wishes would be weak or feminine, which is why he went to such extreme lengths.
The mother-in-law might have been quite old-fashioned in her thinking, which is why she was so insistent. The idea of a woman taking her husband’s surname dates back to the 15th century when women were considered their husband’s property after marriage. Only after the 1970s did laws change to make it easier for women to keep their maiden name. The poster was only exercising her freedom and she was well within her rights to make the demand.
Image credits: Drazen Zigic (not the actual photo)
The problem is that her fiancé and his mother saw the author’s demands as too extreme. We contacted Poonam Gururajan, a Sydney wedding planner and founder of The Maharani Diaries, to understand more about couples’ demands during their engagement and wedding. She said that: “I have encountered situations where brides or grooms have made requests. Whether they are demanding or not really depends on the strength of the [relationships] they have with one another.”
“My advice to the wedding party would be to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings and any concerns regarding specific requests. It's important to approach the conversation with empathy, recognizing the stress the couple may be under while also asserting their own boundaries. Ultimately, it's crucial to remember that weddings are about celebrating love and unity, and maintaining healthy relationships should be a priority,” Poonam added.
In this situation, the woman stated why her request was so important to her. But she got angry after her soon-to-be-husband went behind her back. She laid down the ultimatum that she would call off the wedding if he did not listen to her wishes and that his mother was banned from the ceremony. Since he was unwilling to budge, she eventually called off the wedding. Her ex-MIL then became nasty and sent her threats, including screenshots that showed that her fiancé had been cheating on her throughout the entirety of their relationship.
The poster definitely got saved from a bad marriage, but the heartbreak that comes with such a decision is not easy to deal with. People were in complete support of the woman’s decision and told her that she was right to end things. She later updated everyone and said that she was planning a trip with her 3 close friends so that she could escape the whole scene for a while.
Do you think the woman should have handled the situation differently? Let us know your thoughts on this story in the comments.
Netizens piled on the poster’s ex and called him a momma’s boy for giving in to his mother’s demands so easily
