You can tell a lot about a person by how they react when you gently tell them “no.” Boundaries don’t mean that you don’t love or care about someone. They are simply your way of communicating your needs and protecting your own well-being. Someone who respects you will also respect your boundaries… and the opposite is also true.
One man asked the internet whether he was a jerk for refusing to give his chaotic sister his spare house key. A series of incidents shook the man’s trust in his sibling. However, his sister was unwilling to accept the boundary and had an intense emotional reaction. You’ll find the full story below.
Family is family, and you should help your loved ones out, but there have to be limits to what they ask of you
Image credits: Liza Summer/Pexels (not the actual photo)
This man refused to give his entitled, chaotic sister a spare key to his home, and her reaction shocked him
Image credits: Alex Green/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: JohnnaALee
Boundaries can be useful for both you and the other person
Image credits: www.kaboompics.com/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Healthy boundaries are actually beneficial not just to you, because they protect your needs, but also to the person on the receiving end. For one, they reduce conflict. What’s more, they can bring family members closer. And they boost self-esteem.
“It really helps develop the kinds of relationships where you can enjoy people’s presence more and be present in the moment with them. A lot of us have these events where we see family—and we either don’t want to or can’t cut them off—so at least we can enjoy it a bit more if we feel in control of the situation,” licensed marriage and family therapist Angela Sitka told Time magazine.
According to Sitka, boundaries are essentially a promise you make to yourself to “take care of your own needs while interacting in your relationships.” When you set boundaries, you are setting a standard to describe how you want to be treated. “You can respect that promise by taking action any time there's a violation and your well-being is at risk.”
However, your boundaries do not necessarily have to be fair or accommodating. In some cases, they are your way of protecting your needs from emotionally violent, toxic individuals. In those cases, you need firm boundaries. In other situations, you can afford to be a bit more flexible.
You can have some flexibility, but at some point, you will need to follow through with the consequences you set
Image credits: Liza Summer/Pexels (not the actual photo)
How you communicate your boundaries matters a lot. You need to be as clear and calm as possible. For example, licensed marriage and family therapist Laurie Carmichael suggests using basic templates, such as: “If you say or do X again, I will need to do Y.” This way, you are outlining the consequences of other people’s actions. You are being very direct. This is not a request.
How you respond to someone violating your boundaries depends on you. It’s a very personal decision. There are moments when you have to be tough and unyielding. Other times, a bit of grace might be needed. Sometimes, it’s right to give the other person the chance to correct their behavior. Then, if they continue violating your boundaries, go through with the consequences you previously promised to go through with.
That being said, it’s unlikely that everyone will start respecting your boundaries overnight. Real behavioral change takes longer to solidify. “The whole family system will have to shift. We have to be prepared that it’s likely going to be an ongoing process. It might take several conversations and different strategies, and you might have to adjust the boundary,” Sitka emphasized.
“It’s going to take time to teach others how we want to be treated. At first, it’s kind of exhausting, but it does get easier over time.”
What’s your take, Pandas? Do you think the man was right to refuse to give his sister a spare key to his home, or do you think he was too harsh? How would you have handled the situation? How do you maintain healthy boundaries with your siblings, parents, and other close family members?
The internet had a lot to say about the unusual family drama. Many readers were supportive of how the man handled things
Not everyone was on the same page, however. Some folks had a different outlook
