Whether or not to help distant relatives in need is a tough dilemma. On the one hand, being charitable is a virtue. On the other hand, not everyone who says they’re struggling may actually be struggling. If you’re constantly taken advantage of by someone who doesn’t want to become self-sufficient, this will likely come at the expense of your quality of life.
Redditor u/Professional-Cry1342 turned to the internet for advice regarding an incredibly sensitive family matter. The woman shared how, after her father passed away, his ex-wife turned to her for financial help with their rent, using her relationship with her half-brother to pressure her. However, the author refused to give in to these manipulations. Scroll down for the full story and the internet’s reactions.
Bored Panda reached out to the author of the viral story, u/Professional-Cry1342, and she was kind enough to answer our questions. You'll find our interview with her below.
It can feel incredibly uncomfortable when someone in your social circle starts pressuring you financially
Image credits: zoranzeremski/Envato (not the actual photo)
One woman asked the internet for advice after sharing how her father's ex-wife tried to manipulate her into paying her rent
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Professional-Cry1342
"People can go through rough patches in life, but if this turns into a constant need of help, you need to realize you are being used"
"I knew this request was coming the moment I heard they had to leave their current house, so it wasn't a big shock. She is that kind of person that feels entitled to support from everyone she is related to," u/Professional-Cry1342 shared with Bored Panda.
"I did my research immediately to find out the current rents in the city they live in and knew that with the income she had, she could find an apartment she could afford even though it wouldn't be as nice as the one they were living in for a while."
She continued: "It was very hard for me to set clear boundaries when she was crying to me over the phone, but I knew I had to do it."
According to the author of the post, nobody should make other adults their own responsibility. "People can go through rough patches in life, but if this turns into a constant need of help, you need to realize you are being used," she said.
"My biggest advice is don't be afraid to say no to people if you know something is not right and you might be being used. If they love you, they will be there for you even if you set boundaries, and if not, it means they never cared about you in the first place."
There is one upside to this entire situation, though. "If anything, what happened here made my bond with my brother stronger, and I cut his mother out of my life completely,y which is a big relief," u/Professional-Cry1342 told us.
If the person asking you for help is an adult, you have to remember that they're responsible for their financial decisions
Image credits: Towfiqu barbhuiya/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Headspace states that everyone should remember that they’re not responsible for other people’s financial choices.
“No matter what, keep in mind that you’re not obligated to rescue your loved ones from poor decisions. In some cases, saying no may help them develop better financial habits. This may be far more valuable than cash in the long run.”
Furthermore, it’s vital that you meet your own financial needs. You should not sacrifice your own stability just to be charitable.
“There’s no shame in admitting that your bank account isn’t big enough for you to work without pay, give out loans, or take a pricey trip right now,” Headspace argues.
“When a loved one asks you to spend or loan money on their behalf, consider your own financial goals and needs, including your ability to pay your bills, save for college and retirement, and maintain habits that sustain your mind, body, and spirit. If you aren’t meeting your own needs, you may end up needing help yourself.”
Strong boundaries are what help you maintain healthy relationships. If they're missing, things start going wrong
Image credits: Baptista Ime James/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Boundaries really do matter. You might think they’re unnecessary in a family context, but that’s not quite right. Sure, you can afford to be more flexible with your boundaries when it comes to close family and friends, but if you completely get rid of them, those relationships can quickly turn toxic.
In other words, you should never allow yourself to be in a position where someone constantly oversteps your boundaries, disrespects your values, and ignores your needs and wants.
If this keeps happening, you need to try to reestablish your boundaries and, if that doesn’t work, reevaluate your relationship with the other person.
Without accusing the other person, tell them how their behavior affects you and what you’d like your relationship to look like in the future. Be direct but diplomatic. Get on the same page. Though it might be awkward, state the consequences that will happen if they continue with their behavior.
For example, if they keep pressuring you for money, you could tell them you’ll cut off all communication for a while.
On top of that, you’re not obligated to help someone deal with their financial problems if that means that it’ll affect your quality of life. You are not responsible for fixing another adult’s mess-ups.
A good rule of thumb is to live below your means and spend less than you earn. If rent is way too expensive, find a cheaper place to live
Image credits: Faruk Tokluoğlu/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Everyone makes financial mistakes, sure, but someone who has a full-time job and receives a pension on top of that can be self-sufficient if they reorganize their budget, spending, and savings.
What matters isn’t how much money you’re earning per se; what matters is that your income is bigger than your spending. Or, to flip this upside down, your spending has to be lower than what you earn. In other words, when you live below your means, you’ll have money left over for an emergency fund, leisure activities, investments, etc.
However, if you consistently spend more than you earn, you’ll eat into your savings, go into debt, or end up having to turn to your friends and relatives for support. If you can see that you can’t afford to rent a particular apartment, then you should find a cheaper place to live.
There are times when we all need to adjust our expectations, even when we’re used to better standards of living. At the same time, you can look for a higher-paying job, cut back on needless expenses in other areas, and look for opportunities to upskill for better career prospects in the future.
A lot of this comes down to the individual themselves and how driven they are to better their financial situation, apply for new jobs, look for cheaper apartments, etc. If they’re not willing to do anything to change for the better, then the question is why anyone else should fund their overly lavish lifestyle.
What would you do if you were in the post author’s shoes, dear Pandas? How do you maintain healthy boundaries with your family and friends, especially where financial support is concerned? If you have a spare moment, let us know what you think in the comments below.
Most readers were on the author's side. She shared a bit more context in the comments of her post
Many people were shocked by the situation. Here's the advice they gave the woman
After her story went viral, the author shared a very important update
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: amazingmikael/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Professional-Cry1342
Exhausted by family or in-law drama like this one? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic relatives, parenting styles, and personal boundaries.