Being the best at something in your family is tough sometimes. For example, if you have a bit of IT knowledge, everyone expects you to be a tech guru, troubleshooting and fixing all of their devices. If you can knit, people will demand custom things to be knitted by you, without realizing how much work it can take!
Reddit user u/spicyfonduex is stuck in a similar situation. She can make tiered cakes with custom decor on them and her family expects her to cater for their events for free.
More info: Reddit
Meeting your family's expectations is difficult, especially when you feel like they are asking too much of you
Image credits: Jane (not the actual photo)
A woman wanted to know whether she is a jerk for refusing to bake her cousin a second cake after she didn't compensate her for the first one
Image credits: spicyfonduex
The issue began when the cousin started asking for a three-tiered, themed cake for her son's birthday, but the poster was already overloaded with work
Image credits: spicyfonduex
Although the poster refused to bake the cake initially, she caved after being shamed in family chats by her cousin
Image credits: spicyfonduex
She overworked herself making the cake and received no payment for the cake 4 months later, even though it was promised to her
Image credits: spicyfonduex
When the cousin came back to ask for another cake again, the poster refused and was promptly berated by the cousin and her family
The Original Poster (OP) is 22 years old and she is renowned in her family for baking cakes. Therefore, when her cousin Janice’s son’s birthday rolled around, she asked her whether she could bake a cake for the celebration. OP refused as she was very busy at the time, finishing up with her finals and her thesis.
Janice tried pushing her, but OP refused. A little while later, the cousin started raising drama in their family group chat, saying how stressed she was as she was trying to make her son’s birthday special. She followed that with saying how OP refused to bake her a cake even if she was willing to pay, a fact she hadn’t mentioned during their previous conversation.
A while later, she made a group chat with the OP and her mom where they harangued her to bake the cake, saying that they would pay from everything A to Z. OP finally caved and said that she would make them the 3-tiered, Cocomelon-themed cake that Janice wanted.
The cake was perfect for the day of the birthday party, although OP had been sleep-deprived for 3 days to make the cake. She mentions that everyone loved the cake, but she didn’t receive her pay on the same day.
She waited a couple of days to receive payment, but nothing. She tried calling - also nothing. She tried messaging them on the family group chat, messaging Janice and her mother personally, but they seemed to be unreachable in any way.
OP said she isn’t a confrontational person so she just let it go, but mentioned that she wouldn’t forget this. Four months passed and Janice texted OP again, this time asking for a cake for her birthday. She refused, as they didn’t pay last time.
Janice became pushy, saying that her mom would pay for both cakes this time. OP was unconvinced and said that she wouldn’t do anything for them.
Image credits: The Wu's Photo Land (not the actual photo)
The cousin then started berating her, calling OP a b*tch and telling her that the cake should be free as it was not pretty and people didn’t like the taste. OP called them out on it, saying that it’s “funny that she’s still asking me for another cake after she hated the first one.”
Janice then sent her a long message, calling her names and saying that she’s a jerk for not helping the family. Janice’s mother joined in, further calling her rude and greedy for not being able to wait for the payment.
At the end of the story, OP says that the family has become divided, Janice’s side calling OP a jerk, while OP’s brother says that she should take them to small claims court.
In the comments, OP specifies that the cake would have cost 240 dollars for baking it alone, excluding gas, delivery, and other costs. It seems that she wanted to take them to small claims court, but decided not to, as she is graduating and doesn’t want more stress in her life. OP also mentions that the harassment caused her therapist to prescribe a bigger dose of anti-anxiety medication.
OP’s story is a good example of crossed boundaries in a familial relationship: begging her to make the cake, shaming her in chats with omitted information, and refusing to compensate her for her work are just a few.
The benefits of having boundaries are quite obvious - we get more resources for self-care. By giving others as much as we are comfortable giving, we strengthen our own sense of self and protect our mental health.
In order to set healthy boundaries, we first have to know what types of boundaries there are. According to the Taylor Counseling Group, there are 6 types of boundaries. These types are as follows: physical, emotional, time, sexual, intellectual and material. A lot of the time, when people encroach on your boundaries, they may run into one or several of them.
Image credits: Jonathan Lin (not the actual photo)
They also suggest various ways to establish and maintain these boundaries. We’ll be talking about the most impactful ones.
A big thing is learning to say “no”. It may be difficult to do, especially to family members, but it does get easier with each time you say it. If you notice that your family member may be unable to take “no” for an answer, it could be time to reconsider your relationship.
It’s never a good idea to gossip about your family members. Gossip may lead to conflicts and feelings of resentment. This is especially true if the drama is happening on social media. Removing yourself from any situation where drama may occur is always beneficial, as it’s usually counterproductive to mental and emotional health.
Another important thing is to value your time and to ask others to value it too. Sometimes, family members may be too focused on their own issues and completely ignore the time constraints of others. If you are constantly left waiting or people want you to perform mammoth tasks for them without any reward, perhaps it’s time to tell them that you have other priorities.
Finally, the most important thing, enveloping all of the previous advice, is that you should put yourself first. Helping others all the time against your true wishes is a sure-fire way to become burned out and exhausted.
So make sure to take care of yourself, pick your battles carefully, and you will actually have more resources to help people when they need it most!
The original post gathered more than 2 thousand upvotes, with upwards of 300 comments. The community judged the baker not to be a jerk, saying that the family are the rude ones in this situation and that taking them to small claims court would be a good lesson for the rest of the family.
Commenters said that the poster was right not to bake the second cake and that she should seriously consider taking the cousin to small claims court
Image credits: Allie Cooper (not the actual photo)
