Parenting already comes with its ups and downs, and things get even more complicated once kids grow up into teens. Throw in a divorce and you’ve usually got a good recipe for some challenging relationship moments, especially if the exes don’t see eye to eye on how to raise their kids.
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A frustrated father recently took to reddit to ask the community if he’s the jerk for refusing to spoil his adult son the way his mother has for his whole life. The dad in question always paid child support, but now that his son is 18, he’s considered an adult, and the child support has legally stopped. This development has led to major friction between the ex-spouses.
More info: Reddit
When you’re a parent, sometimes you have to teach your kids hard life lessons, but parents don’t always agree with each other when it comes down to it.
Image credits: Julia M Cameron (not the actual photo)
Mom let her son lead a lazy lifestyle his whole life, but the fun couldn’t last forever, especially when the father put his foot down financially
The author dutifully paid child support until his son turned 18 and became a legal adult, and that’s when the trouble started
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
Son hasn’t even applied to college and is realizing how wrecked his future is now that his mom can no longer provide an easy allowance
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Now son is upset with his mom because he doesn’t have life skills, turns to his dad for help writing a resume and finding a job
Image credits: Edmond Dantès (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Choice-Membership625
There’s no such thing as a free ride. The spoiled son of a reddit user recently had to find that out the hard way once his father cut off his allowance when he turned 18. That’s the age divorced fathers no longer have to pay child support, and it came as a rude awakening, since the son’s mom has mollycoddled him for his whole life up until that point.
Everything started out fine. The couple met, fell in love, and dated before they decided to get married and have a child. It soon became apparent, however, that the parents had quite conflicting parenting styles. While the father thought it was appropriate to correct his son and punish him for bad behavior, in the eyes of the kid’s mother, her son could do no wrong.
If the son found something difficult and his father encouraged him to work on the problem, the mother would always step in and tell his dad to back off. In some instances, she would even start crying and start a fight with him.
The author of the post wanted to be a father, not a spectator, but the couple just couldn’t compromise on parenting styles. Their only option was divorce, which saw the mother gaining custody, while the dad received only visitation rights. When he got to see his son, OP complained that he wouldn’t do any homework, preferring instead to play video games non-stop, and that if OP didn’t let him, his son would throw a tantrum. Obviously, this was exhausting for him as a father.
Fast forward a couple of years and the author has remarried. Since his son turned 14, he’s stopped coming over to his dad’s house, and rarely responds to invitations to visit. As it turns out, OP’s ex-wife has been giving his child support to his son to spend however he wants.
Since his son turned 18 and is legally an adult, the dad is no longer obliged to pay child support, so the son’s steady allowance has come to an end. The son has since reached out to his dad to ask for money, to which OP responded by asking him if he had any plans to attend some sort of post-secondary school, which he doesn’t. So, his father told him to get a job.
When OP’s ex-wife found out that he won’t be supporting his son financially anymore, she threatened to take him to court. He’s adamant that he’s no longer going to bankroll his son’s lazy lifestyle but did offer to help him write a resume which he can use to start applying to work. The father has also spoken to his son about trades and community college, but is firm on the fact that, while he’ll be there to support his son, he won’t be helping him out financially.
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
OP’s son seems to be struggling to find his purpose after years of neglecting his personal growth. In “The Path to Purpose: How Young People Find Their Calling in Life”, William Damon, director of the Stanford Center of Adolescence, describes purpose as “a stable and generalized intention to accomplish something that is at the same time meaningful to the self and consequential for the world beyond the self.” Based on the Center’s research, Heather Malin, director of research, says the key time for purpose is the 18 - 23 age range.
While OP claims his son is lazy, this label can be seen as toxic and discouraging for emerging adults. According to Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D., “Don’t ever call your adolescent lazy. This label is more psychologically and socially loaded than most parents seem to understand. To make matters worse, the term is usually applied when they are feeling frustrated, impatient, or critical with the teenager, which only makes insulting injury from this name-calling harder to bear.”
While it’s understandable that OP is at his wit’s end, experts agree that there are constructive steps a parent can take when their teenager is struggling with motivation and purpose.
Jane Horowitz, a career coach for young adults, says she has found that it’s unrealistic to expect young people to know what their passion is. She says, “They don’t have enough experience to really figure it out. The idea of finding their passion puts too much pressure on them.”
Horowitz instead suggests starting a dialogue that gets your young adult thinking about why exactly they like what they like, what their strengths and values are, and how those fit in with possible careers and life goals.
Since OP’s post, redditors have come to his defense. One responder said, “NTA At least your son is beginning to realize the downside of having someone follow you around and wiping your backside all your life. He’s behind the curve but he can turn it around if he wants.”
What do you think about the situation? Is OP being too tough, or is he right to put his foot down? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Redditors sided with the dad, deciding swiftly that he’s not the jerk in the situation
