Parenting is quite an adventure. It has amazing highs and awful lows, and plenty of fascinating moments as well as frustrating ones. The best/worst part? All these experiences can change from one hour to the next. In other words, it’s quite a ride.
One thing many parents don't realize is how the roles they assign their children, intentionally or not, can define those kids for life. It's a dynamic at the heart of what's known as the golden child syndrome.
Still, through it all, we’re all striving to be perfect. We all want to be that example parent who seems to be doing it all correctly. At least, that’s how we start off.
We want to be kind and understanding to our children and communicate with them without yelling. We want to feed them good food and encourage them to be curious eaters. We want them to read books and make every waking moment developmentally useful. And on top of all that, we want a clean house, a stable career, and a good social life.
There are some days you feel you’re doing okay. Maybe even pretty good. But then you come across a TikTok that tells you that you shouldn’t say “good job” to your kid and suddenly you feel like a failure.
The truth is that we’re all bound to make mistakes when parenting. Yes, we want to make them as rarely as possible, but it’s tough to be perfect no matter what you do, and raising a human being is already not a walk in the park. The solution? Accepting that good enough is enough.
The idea of good enough parenting started in the '50s, when psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott wanted to reassure mothers that being perfect might not be the best option. He believed that a child’s needs evolved with time and not being able to quickly adjust to them was good for their development. According to Winnicott, any slip-up that a parent makes actually allows the child to learn about the external world that it might not always respond to their needs.
So, let go of the guilt and allow yourself to make mistakes. Maybe lower your expectations a little. You don’t always need to be there for your child. After all, they can play on their own. In fact, adult-free independent play is good for them. It allows them to find their own pace, helps with their problem-solving skills, and boosts imagination.
Also, remember that science is on your side. Find solace in the fact that, according to research, today’s parents already spend way more time with their children than parents did in the '60s. And when you’re in doubt about going back to work, note that children of working mothers are just as happy as the ones raised by stay-at-home moms.
If you do make a mistake, acknowledge it. Take it as an opportunity to learn a better way. Maybe yelling wasn’t the best option and you did overreact. Maybe you didn’t show enough support or attention when your kid needed it. Apologize to your child if needed and move on with grace. This will also teach them how to deal with their mistakes.
