Marriage is becoming less of a priority than it used to be, and many children are born outside of it due to this fact. Traditional norms are changing, and people are starting to realize that giving a child a loving upbringing requires more than a ring or marriage certificate. However, some are unaccustomed to this idea or, rather, still believe that children should be born into a legally bound and committed family.
Like this woman who voiced such an opinion at her sister’s pregnancy announcement, turning the evening into a lecture about how out-of-wedlock pregnancy is ‘sinful.’ The sibling felt extremely hurt by her behavior and decided to get back at her by exposing her own scandalous past.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Three Points Relationships, Kate Engler, who kindly agreed to tell us more about childbearing outside marriage.
Many children are born outside marriage, as it's becoming less of a priority than it used to be
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
However, this woman believes pregnancy out-of-wedlock is sinful and even shamed her sister for it
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: AgreeableDecision807
Around 40% of babies in the US are born out of wedlock
Around 40% of babies in the US are born out of wedlock. A licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Three Points Relationships, Kate Engler, says that couples today don’t feel the need to marry when a baby enters the picture, mostly because the social stigma and necessity of marriage have both changed.
"In general, women have way more options if they want to have a child—they don’t even really need a man to do so, and this opens up other options re: having children. In addition, more and more people seem to be questioning the necessity and benefits (or lack thereof) of marriage and making choices that are aligned with what kind of life and partnerships they want to have," she explains.
"Marriage can be wonderful, but it has a lot of downsides too, especially for women in cisgender, heterosexual marriages. I think younger women look at the burdens their older peers carry in their marriages to men and don’t want any part of it—much less to be legally locked in—but they want to have children, so kids without marriage offers more flexibility. I also think that people are realizing that you can raise children really well with another person even if you are not in a romantic relationship with them, and possibly more easily than if you are in a relationship with them. It takes that complication out of the equation."
However, not so long ago, pregnancies outside marriage were negatively looked upon. That’s why the number of shotgun marriages was so high. A whopping 43% of unwed pregnancies resulted in a wedding out of necessity in the early 1960s. Fortunately, this is in the past, and many believe that you don't have to be married to have children. As a result, the number of shotgun marriages has shrunk to 9% today. But even though many unmarried couples manage to successfully raise their children, there are still some considerable challenges these families might face.
On average, children raised outside of marriage generally have less fortunate outcomes
Image credits: Picsea / unsplash (not the actual photo)
While statistics can’t tell us what is best for individual couples or children in specific circumstances, they paint quite a consistent view of kids with unmarried parents: on average, children raised outside of marriage generally have less fortunate outcomes compared to their peers raised in married-parent families. Typically, they also have worse relationships with their parents and are likely to experience abuse, poorer health, delinquent behavior, worse education and lower earnings in adulthood.
Childbearing out of wedlock is particularly worrisome in case of a separation, as parents might have greater difficulties obtaining financial assistance from previous partners. "You may have more legal hoops to jump through when setting up legal and financial arrangements for yourselves and your children," says Engler.
"For example, a divorced client of mine, a woman, met a man who she wanted to be with for the long term. Both had been through rough marriages and didn’t want to officially get married again but wanted to be together. They spoke to a lawyer about setting up wills, healthcare decision protections, etc. but because the law favors marriage, it was going to end up costing $15,000+ to get everything they needed in place. The lawyer told them they were better off getting married."
And even though the stigma surrounding childbearing outside marriage has reduced significantly, parents in such arrengements still have to deal with a lot of judgment and unsolicited commentary, notes Engler. "Traditional notions about marriage and gender still remain and we seem to be moving backwards on this front. Honestly though, I find that these traditional ideas about kids and marriage were very present even before the current backlash, and even amongst otherwise progressive, thinking people," she rationalizes.
"We have some very bad cultural stories about what is the “right” way to be in a relationship and have overemphasized marriage as the ultimate goal. The sad part is, having married parents isn’t the most important thing for kids. Having parents who are emotionally stable and mature, have resources, and coparent peacefully, and getting to spend as much time with both parents is the most important thing."
So if having children without getting married is something a couple wants to do, they should go for it, Engler advises. " I understand it is painful to be judged. No one wants that! However, if not getting married is the right choice for them, do it. You are the only ones who can decide what’s right for you and you must live with your decisions. As long as you are very intentional and clear about the “why” of your choice, go ahead and do it!"
Some readers supported the original poster
While some started questioning the age difference between her and her husband
Part of readers also thought both sisters were at fault
And some believed the original poster was wrong here
