Every change requires adapting and adjusting one’s mindset accordingly. And while having people close to us around and celebrating the important occasions helps us put a positive spin on various important changes and milestones, these celebrations are meant for every participant of them.
For this reason, someone who is friendly and considerate would find it among their incentives to help their guests enjoy the happy news, rather than be “killed” by it. At least, this seems to have been the confusion of this Redditor’s friends who focused solely on their wish to “surprise” guests, rather than allow some minor changes to be considerate of their friends.
More info: Reddit
A woman told her husband that their friends were expecting twins and got accused of "ruining" the surprise
Image credits: Vlada Karpovich (not the actual photo)
The woman and her husband went through three miscarriages in the past, including the loss of twins
Image credits: New_Incident1837
Image credits: Emily May (not the actual photo)
Image credits: New_Incident1837
The couple told the woman in advance that they were expecting twins as they wanted her to help with their gender reveal party
Image credits: Akshay Bineesh (not the actual photo)
A woman brought it to Reddit after she had a disagreement with a couple in her friend group over whether it was okay for her to tell her husband their friends were expecting twins before it was announced at the gender reveal party.
The woman explained that she and her husband went through three miscarriages including the loss of twins; currently, they are childless and are still recovering emotionally from the loss.
The couple is friends with three other couples of which one has two kids, while another two are currently expecting. The woman noticed that each couple is different in how much or if they exhibit any empathy towards the couple’s loss.
While the first couple always hands over their kids, expecting the woman and her husband to take care of them, the second couple is compassionate about the topic, as they asked the couple if they were okay after revealing they were expecting a baby. The woman was happy to help them by planning their gender reveal party.
The whole incident had to do with the third couple, who recently told the woman that they were expecting twins prior to the gender reveal party. The woman shared that it hit her hard due to the past miscarriage of her twins, she got emotional and told her husband on the way home that the couple were expecting twins. The woman explained that she didn’t want her husband to get startled at the gender reveal party.
The woman was receiving calls from the expecting couple every hour or so reminding her not to tell her husband as they wanted to see his and other friends’ “surprise faces”, so she did let them know she told her husband they were expecting twins, as she needed to consider his feelings and wanted to be on the safe side, as for him, it could trigger certain memories that they wouldn’t want on a happy day. The couple accused the woman of ruining their surprise, as her friend started crying and called her selfish.
The woman shared the news with her husband, not waiting for the gender reveal party, to be considerate of his feelings
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
The woman also told the expecting couple that she shared the news with her husband and was accused of being selfish
While miscarriage, the sudden loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week, affects around 10-20 percent of pregnancies, the topic is rarely discussed and thus may feel all the more lonely and isolating for people experiencing it.
According to Miscarriageaustralia, when a loved one experiences a miscarriage, your empathy and acknowledgment of their pregnancy loss can be of great value. However, Empathy warned that unfortunately, people can be very curious and insensitive - often only a few friends and family will know how to help.
Naturally, though, everyone can work on themselves to become a more empathetic friend and gain some knowledge on how to help others in such situations.
H. Horstman for Psychology Today listed validating the loss among the tips for how to support a friend coping with a miscarriage. She advised focusing on empathy, rather than sympathy, and being open to the many emotions they may be feeling, which might include sadness, shame, fear, and uncertainty, among others.
Similarly, The Pink Elephants Support Network emphasized listening - “listen, listen, listen - sometimes all they need is a compassionate ear” and acknowledging another person’s feelings and emotions without judgment.
They also pointed out that physical presence can make a huge difference, suggesting spending time with them if they are comfortable with it.
Psychology Today advised saying something, explaining that sometimes when people don’t know what to say, they don’t say anything at all - however, based on their research on men coping with miscarriage, silence can be one of the most hurtful “messages” of all.
The researcher emphasized that many respondents opened up about feeling hurt when people around them knew about their miscarriage and avoided the topic, as they disclosed such a painful event but then people wouldn’t check in with them or bring it up ever again.
Even though many participants recognized that people just didn’t know what to say, they wished for their friends or family members to provide comfort and empathy. Participants appreciated simple messages like “I’m so sorry,” “I’m here for you,” and other responses that gave them the space to tell their story.
Finally, The Pink Elephants Support Network explained that miscarriage is a deeply personal experience and advised respecting another person’s privacy by being sensitive to their boundaries and need for space.
Coming back to the woman’s story, it gathered 6.7k upvotes on Reddit and people judged that she was not the jerk in this situation. Commenters noted that by telling just her spouse, the woman wasn’t “ruining” the surprise for anyone but her spouse, while the expecting couple “should know why this wouldn't necessarily be a solely happy surprise for him” and a little flexibility on the expecting couple’s part to ensure the woman and her husband are in the right headspace is not too much to ask.
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
