Contrary to popular belief, divorce is never easy. Not the legal process, not the emotional separation, nothing is truly smooth when it comes to ripping away a part of your life that’s been there for… well, it doesn’t really matter how long. More often than not, it leaves people scarred for life, and that is besides all the very likely aftermath following it all.
This in turn also means that thinking that there can be a winner in divorce is not wrong per se, but definitely not correct either. For that very reason of things being ripped apart, nobody comes out the same on any level.
A Redditor has recently shared a story that is of a malicious compliance nature, but one that also has heaps upon heaps of context in it, so it transcends and transforms the traditional sense of the theme, turning it into a life lesson of sorts, among many other positive things.
More Info: Reddit
There is nothing about divorce that is easy, and there are no winners in the end, but the experience can serve a good purpose in the form of a life lesson
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
The malicious compliance story itself is lengthy, so covering it in full in article format wouldn’t do it justice. What would do it justice, though, is you reading the original text in image form found in this article, and reading through OP’s interview with Bored Panda for context along the way.
But if you absolutely need a tl;dr, here it is: boy meets girl, get married, 17 years pass by and due to boundary incompatibilities and discrepancies, the two decide to split, with the wife making the divorce process way too difficult for her own good and never being satisfied with whatever divorce agreement the guy hits her with, so she takes it to court, “knowing her rights” all too well (not really)—the guy maliciously complies—and ends up getting less than what OP had originally been offering and giving.
This Redditor recently shared theirs, all wrapped into a maliciously compliant story of drawing boundaries
The story goes that, after 17 years together, this couple decided to separate and so the arduous process of negotiation started
Image credits: Yen1969
For many, turning to Reddit is a matter of sharing an experience because it was funny, ridiculous, or they were urged to share by friends. It’s a simple form or entertainment that everyone enjoys.
However, for Reddit user u/Yen1969, the hero of our story, the social platform is actually a place of healing and was a major reason why he’s telling the story in the first place.
“Reddit has been one of my community sources of healing, actually. Not Reddit as a whole, but the nature of Reddit to host specific communities allows people who are struggling with similar things to connect and communicate about it. Some may be further along than others, and there becomes this element of passing the knowledge and learning on to people who are earlier in the same struggle,” elaborated OP.
There was no easy way out of this, neither from a legal standpoint, nor from an emotional one
Image credits: Yen1969
Image credits: EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA (not the actual photo)
OP continued: “Through my time here, I have found the healing power and cathartic release of telling elements of my life and story. Along the way, I have encountered quite a few people who have expressed gratitude for reading what I share, and some who expressed appreciation for how I write, and others who ask for more in depth descriptions on topics I just skim. Along the way, I got a number of people who suggested I post my story somewhere that it would get a broader audience.”
“While I am working on a book of the whole thing, one of the specific recommendations was the r/MaliciousCompliance subreddit, which is dedicated to stories of people who get exactly what they are asking for, which is contrary to what they want. The story I posted is an excerpt from the total, but has that element to it. Reader beware, though, the rest of the story is not. There is a lot of pain, uncovered trauma, hard lessons, and no small amount of shame involved. It isn't a pretty story.”
The process wasn't going smoothly, so the author of the post opted for a mediator, who got on board, but not for long
Image credits: Yen1969
In our interview with OP, he provided some context for the conflict, and how it’s actually not a one-sided issue. In fact, the problem was there throughout the couple’s 17 years in marriage and even before that, rooting deep into childhood:
“‘The Problem’ as you call it was really a deeply habitual codependency, based in childhood emotional neglect, where I didn't have the internal strength to hold the boundaries I needed in order to protect myself and the only coping mechanisms I knew were deeply unhealthy.”
“I certainly have a degree of knowledge and awareness about what my ex's core problems were, but I don't feel right just labeling her as the bad one here and listing those problems. We all have a responsibility to grow and develop as a human being, and her fear of herself was too great of a challenge for her to overcome during my time with her. And I created the comfortable nest for her to avoid facing that fear.”
The reason why the mediator was out was because the wife couldn't keep her sue-happy demons at bay, and the whole point of a mediator was to avoid court
Image credits: Yen1969
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
“The 'Problem' that I attempted to address repeatedly through my time with her that eventually led to the divorce was really what I opened with: My own internal boundaries. I accepted and permitted her to ignore them and violate them on a regular basis, and asking someone to respect them will never work if they aren't already the type of person that will.”
“As I found the strength to slowly hold boundaries more firmly, it set up the scenario for divorce as me having boundaries was intolerable to her, and me not having boundaries was intolerable to me. The story I posted was really just the opening work of finally holding ones that were absolutely critical to me and could not fail to be maintained.”
Well, it did reach court, with false claims and accusations, sprinkled with tangents and manipulation on the wife's end
Image credits: Yen1969
OP added that setting boundaries is never an easy thing to do as each new one can cause severe conflict, and even more so when the relationship had zero healthy boundaries to begin with.
“One description I have seen about [the situation] is something like: ‘We entered this relationship with an implicit agreement that you will protect me from myself, and I will protect you from yourself.’ and ‘Setting boundaries is violating that agreement, and is a betrayal,’” elaborated OP.
So, each time that OP would try to set a boundary, his wife’s fear of self-awareness would get triggered, in turn reacting the way she had made a habit of doing—attacking OP’s boundary until he’d do away with it. For the longest time, she was successful in doing so. Until OP decided something had to change.
Despite knowing the outcome, the husband still came prepared with transcripts, notes and records of pretty much everything
Image credits: Yen1969
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda asked OP about the biggest challenge in this entire situation, and he pointed the finger at himself:
“It was always myself. During the relationship my battle with myself to analyze what I could see happening, justify and excuse what I shouldn't have needed to, pick out a precise path of false safety to avoid a worse outcome, and to try to clear the confusion I always felt.”
“Once we separated, the core of the challenge was still me, only now it was grappling with the mountain of buried emotions, of ignored feelings, of deferred pain, and the shame and guilt of seeing how my own actions and choices allowed it all to happen.”
The evidence the husband provided wasn't necessary as the court ruled to just follow the law—rules that essentially say the wife ought to get 32% less than what she would've if she would've accepted the husband's offer
Image credits: Yen1969
While the malicious compliance story itself serves as a good piece of advice for many things, including, but not limited to, never overdoing it with people who understand legalese and take good notes, we still asked OP if there’s some advice that he’d highlight and pass on to someone dealing with a similar conundrum. And he had this to say:
“It depends on where they are in the whole journey. For someone still mired in the swamp of a codependent or abusive relationship, I don't know that any advice I could give will really reach them. I know I was blind and deaf to all the help that others wanted to give me. But if they aren't blind or deaf any more, my greatest advice is to learn healthy boundaries.”
“It is insanely difficult to learn when you haven't been taught, and the backlash and dangers of implementing them while in that relationship can be severe. There are regular news stories about what happens in the worst and deadliest possible outcomes. So layered with healthy boundaries must come every scrap of effort possible to ensure your own safety during the transition.”
“To someone who has made the transition and is in the immediate aftermath, my advice is to pursue as much self-care and self-compassion as you can. Finally achieving safety comes with a mental/emotional load of grappling with everything that had to be held back in order to function. It is like our minds protect us from the worst when it knows we can't handle it, but once we are safe that block is removed and it comes pouring out for us to finally handle.”
You see, the law says 40% of the difference between incomes, but, according to OP's calculations, he was already giving 72%
Image credits: Yen1969
OP’s story got quite a bit of attention on r/MaliciousCompliance, garnering nearly 10,000 upvotes (97% of which were positive), and a handful of Reddit awards.
For the most part, the community was supportive, not only in the actual sense of the word, providing a word of encouragement and understanding as well as praising the beautiful execution of the compliance, but also by sharing similar stories, showing that OP’s not alone.
OP himself was also quite active in the comments. This is where we learn how the wife used the dogs as leverage over OP to get more from the deal, how the question of kids was a part of the reason to get a divorce, and the like.
You can check out the story as well as all of the community’s comments here.
You can guess what sort of drama ensued after the wife understood just how painfully she shot herself in he foot
Image credits: Yen1969
OP concluded our interview with this:
“My final thought is really one about the scope of who is affected. This isn't something that is biased to one gender over another, one race over another, one ideology over another. Inevitably someone will see their own trauma in this story and try to immediately label large chunks with this or that to dismiss it so that they can avoid facing the reality within themselves. And often that manifests as gender biased references.”
“The comments of my post show that repeatedly. People taking my story and labeling it as (basically) ‘this is what women do’ or ‘you can't be telling the truth because you are a guy’. It isn't about that. This story can take any form, across any demographic. It is what happens when trauma remains unresolved and is passed from parents to children, who then grow up into adults and have their own choice to work on it or not, to pass it on or not. The outcome can be quite dramatic, sometimes incredibly appealing for the media, but it is the tragic side of humanity and there are always real people involved who are dealing with real suffering. Even my ex.”
So, what are your thoughts on all of this? Share your opinions, takes, two cents, stories, experience, tips, or anything else really in the comment section below!