One of the worst things that can happen to anyone is your partner becoming physically, emotionally, mentally, or financially violent toward you. Nobody deserves to be mistreated like this, and it’s vital to talk about these issues instead of pretending they don’t exist. Some people find the courage to step up and sound the alarm bell to others about who they’re dealing with.
Reddit user u/Ill_Character_4041 asked the AITAH online group whether she was wrong to blow up her violent ex’s marriage after she found out that his wife got pregnant, by sending her a binder full of evidence about what he’s done. You’ll find the full story below, but be warned that it may make you uncomfortable if you’ve been exploited in a similar way. We reached out to u/Ill_Character_4041 for her thoughts on this sensitive situation. You'll find Bored Panda's interview with her below.
Some victims of violence decide to stand up for others because they don't want anyone else to suffer like they did
Image credits: Agustin Farias / unsplash (not the actual photo)
A woman asked the internet whether she was right to blow up her violent ex husband's relationship after finding out that his new wife got pregnant
Image credits: Ömürden Cengiz / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Later, the author clarified a few details about the sensitive situation
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ill_Character_4041
"Domestic violence is so dark that its vulnerability is light"
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
We asked the author how she reacted when her ex's wife agreed to meet with her. "My first reaction was sadness. A lot of people in the comments picked up on this as well but if she didn’t immediately dismiss me, it means that something that has happened made her have questions," u/Ill_Character_4041 told Bored Panda.
"The thought of anyone else going through what I did breaks my heart. After that there was some fear and questioning, if I did the right thing, if I’d be able to give her what she needed, if she would be upset with me. I was on a roller coaster up until the day we met." She added that her ex's wife is now "slowly telling her family everything."
"She kept them so in the dark, just like I did. And I know how much courage it takes to tell your loved ones what you were going through that you shut them out of, knowingly or unknowingly. I know she has a good lawyer, and she is planning on having the baby and trying to get his parental rights terminated."
The author shared some advice with anyone who is a victim of violence. She said that the signs that someone is violent can be heavily influenced by whether they've done this before, if they've always gotten away with it, and who their victim is.
"The one that snuck up on me that I wish I would have seen sooner was the isolation. He kept me to himself and did it in such a loving way. I was so infatuated that I let him do it without even seeing it. And when I did, the first thing I should have done and the advice I’d give to anyone else is lose the shame and overcome the potential embarrassment you might think you’d have and just tell someone. I kept so much to myself and tried to fix it alone, and now I’m still rebuilding relationships that that hurt. Just be honest, ask for help," she said.
The author opened up about how sharing her story online and hearing other people's stories of survival made her realize how crucial it is to not hold back and open up about these situations.
"Domestic violence is so dark that its vulnerability is light," u/Ill_Character_4041 said that it's important to tell the truth so that the victims know they're not alone and have nothing to be ashamed of.
Violent people aren't just physical, they can also use other means to control you, from having power over your finances to forced intimacy
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
There are many different forms of violence, and it is important to reach out for help immediately if you’re a victim. There are many organizations, both large and local, that can help you and provide resources. One example is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which you can use if you live in the United States.
The site promises confidentiality, runs 24/7, and provides a host of resources for anyone in need. It also encourages victims to regularly clear their browser history to browse the site safely and protect themselves. This is important to keep in mind because someone who mistreats you may try to control you by monitoring your online activities.
According to one source, probably the most commonly recognized is physical violence and can include hitting, burning, strangling, damaging property, refusing medical care, and coercing someone into using various substances.
Another type of violence is emotional, where your partner tries to control you through insults, blame, shame, intimidation, isolation, stalking, keeping a tight grip on what you do and where you go, and extreme jealousy.
Meanwhile, intimate violence is what happens when your partner hurts you during intimacy, forces you to be intimate, makes you be intimate with others (this is human trafficking), or coerces you into being intimate without protection. Often, this has nothing to do with intimacy and everything to do with power.
It's vital that you reach out to trusted people for support if you're a victim. Call the authorities if you're in danger
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Technological violence is what happens when someone uses tech to control or stalk their partner. For example, they might hack into their partner’s email or social media accounts, track their smartphone’s location, monitor their messages and calls, demand to know their account passwords, and monitor what they do on social media.
Some individuals may use financial violence to coerce you. This includes controlling you by impacting your financial welfare, like harming you to prevent you from working, harassing you at your workplace, controlling your financial assets and putting you on an allowance, and damaging your credit score.
The AAFP urges anyone who is a victim of violence to talk to someone they trust, like family, friends, doctors, or clergy. You should call the police if you feel that you’re in immediate danger. And you may want to consider getting a legal order preventing the person who was violent toward you from being near you.
“Know where your and your children's important papers are in case you need to leave your situation in a hurry. Important papers include bank records, birth certificates, Social Security cards, and other important documents. Put these papers in a safe place. You will need them to access your money and to apply for services for you and your children. Make a plan to go to a safe place, such as a shelter or a family member's house.”
The woman interacted with some of her readers and answered a few questions
The vast majority of internet users thought that she did the right thing by stepping in
Some people had a very different perspective, however
