Lately, the internet has been talking a lot about so-called "shut up" rings. The term refers to someone proposing just to appease their partner when in reality, they don't want the commitment.
On TikTok, one user, who is known on the platform as @ceciliaregina275, even made an entire series to explain the phenomenon in great detail using real-life examples.
But Cecilia not only dissects individual cases, but also encourages viewers to reflect on the broader issues surrounding relationships and communication, creating an inclusive space for difficult discussions.
A person might say that they're serious about you but if their actions don't match their words, they probably aren't
Image credits: Laura Oliveira (not the actual photo)
TikToker Cecilia Regina has a series on 'shut up rings', and here's one of its defining cases
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
It starts with a woman asking for advice:
“‘That was my boyfriend for about two years. And about a year ago, I told him that I see him as someone I could marry and have kids with one day. He straightaway said that he wouldn’t be ready until we both earned X amount of money and had a house, along with some other qualifications. This upset me because it wasn’t like I was proposing to him. I was just saying I saw a future with him. And he approached the conversation in what felt like a cold and disconnected way, more like a business decision.
Fast forward to today. We just had a big row over something silly and unrelated. And I’m ashamed as I know you’re not supposed to do this, but I brought up how he had set all those conditions a year ago and we’ve achieved them today. I earn more than he said, and we have a house — renting, but a lovely home. He flipped out and said that it was never about these things. And he just doesn’t know if he can marry me because of how I am as a person. I know I can be difficult sometimes. But aren’t we all? The example he gave me is that I left a plate out.
We have a nice life, but I’m finding this so hard to get over. I don’t know if I want a future with someone who lied for so long. Put these conditions under which he would want to marry me. But then when I met them, I wasn’t enough. He says he still wants to be with me. But he just isn’t ready for more, which makes it all the harder for me to leave. I’m confused. Is it stupid to stick around until he’s ready?’”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
Cecilia then breaks down the red flags she sees
“‘Is it stupid to stick around until my boyfriend is ready to marry me?’
Yes, yes, it is. You all are constantly asking me, ‘How do I avoid the “shut up ring?”’ By reading the signs in the beginning. This man is never going to marry her. And we’re going to tick off the signs. The woman talking is the advice-giver, by the way, though. Somebody’s writing in asking her for advice on what the boyfriend said.”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
She believes the man showed no intention of marrying the woman
“The first red flag was when she said she had been with this guy for two years, and she had brought this up a year in. If a man is excited about you, as we all know, the rule is men know right away.
So if at six months in, he is not the one who has advanced serious relationship talk, if he has not introduced you to his mother or whoever is important in his life, if he has not been talking about a serious commitment, if he has not let something slip about the future with you one day, he does not see you as his wife.
That may be hard to accept. I’m sorry that it is, but it’s the truth. And the other thing is, you may say, ‘Oh, my man didn’t do that. But we still ended up getting married.’ Let’s check on the quality of that later.”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
In Cecilia's opinion, he made up unachievable conditions to explain that
“Second thing. After she finagled this conversation and brought it up to him, and he started talking about terms and conditions, she should have run. It was a goalpost move, okay? He wanted to give you some crazy conditions so he could kick the can down the road, still enjoy your company, still be with you, still get all the benefits like on-tap sex, a domestic chore slave. He didn’t want to look for new punani. He wanted to keep on enjoying yours without committing to you.
But then, when a year has passed, she’s fulfilled all the conditions, all of a sudden, ‘Oh, it’s who you are as a person that’s the problem.’ If a man ever says that to you, you should slap him to the ground and then run away. He never wanted you. And he was so flustered in that moment, the truth slipped out.”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
The TikToker believes it's the way a man treats his woman when things aren't going his way that really counts
“You know, they say a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts, an angry mind speaks sober thoughts. What he says to you in anger is how he really is. So that’s one of the primary things you should be looking for in your relationship. How does this man treat you when he gets mad? Because that’s how he really feels about you.
If he’s still making an effort to be gentle, if his character does not change based on what’s going on in your relationship, that’s a keeper. Because, you know, things are gonna happen in life. Times are gonna get tough, there are gonna be bumps in the road.
If he thinks he can cuss you out because he’s having a bad day, that’s not somebody you want. But if he’s someone who’s always consistent, always caring, always kind, always puts you first, no matter what’s happening around you, that is a man of good character. And he loves you.”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
It seems the woman seeking the advice already knew the answers to her questions but just wanted confirmation
“I don’t know why this woman’s writing to this advice columnist. Like, we all know the answer here, ma’am. And that’s the thing. Women I don’t think need really so much help seeing the signs. I think they need help accepting the reality. Because they think they’ve invested so much time — it’s that whole sunk cost fallacy. You’re asking, ‘Is there any way he’s going to change?’
You know good and doggone well this man does not want to marry you. But you’re asking somebody else, ‘Hey, is there a chance in the future that the reality I’m currently living is going to change to a different reality?’ No. No, there’s not. I’m not saying there’s not a chance he won’t marry you. He might marry you. He might settle and decide that yeah, he can’t do better and let’s just go ahead and do this thing. But if you’re asking if he’s ever going to actually fall in love with you and be excited about you, the answer is no.”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
Cecilia wants everyone to look for a person who actually wants to be with you
“You deserve someone who was hyped from the beginning, who saw you and said ‘That is my wife.’ All the best marriages, all the ones that, you know, I think you all are aspiring to, they started like that. The man saw a woman and he said, ‘Oh my God. I have to be with her for the rest of my life.’ Don’t you want that? Don’t you deserve that? Someone who is plotting to get to you, someone who wants to commit to you. Don’t cheat yourself by hopping through hoops for these guys who are never going to see your worth.”
Image credits: ceciliaregina275
This isn't the only video in Cecilia's series
Here are her other uploads on the matter
Commitment looks different for everyone. Some people are aware of their struggles to settle down, while others may be oblivious.
"People with commitment issues avoid situations in which they have to make long-term promises to others—particularly intimate partners," Darcy Sterling, a licensed clinical social worker in New York and host of E! Network's Famously Single, says. "In extreme examples, they [might also] have difficulty committing to a job, a profession, or a geographic location to live in."
People suffering from these problems may be unable to experience deeper levels of emotional connection with their partners and feel less satisfied with relationships themselves.
"Commitment issues are caused by fear," therapist Dr. Reshawan Chapple explains. "Fear of being suffocated, fear of being hurt, fear of settling for the wrong person, fear of missing out, etc."
"It can also be a result of trauma from a bad relationship or coming from a family with unhealthy boundaries. This causes the individual to question their relationship choices and always feel vulnerable and unsure of themself."
Sometimes romantic rejection gets us hooked. We might cling to the time we spent with the other person, their sweet old text messages, or the sex and continue with the relationship, believing we can fix them or make them love us. But healthy connections rely on mutual respect and reciprocal feelings, and when someone isn't willing to invest themselves, heartbreak is usually already on the way.
After watching the clips, people have had a lot to say about relationships
