You’re expected to go the extra mile for family but, if you don’t put down some boundaries, you might find your generosity being taken advantage of before too long. Yes, family helps family, but there have got to be some limits, surely?
One woman finally got the chance to fly back home with plans to relax and catch up with old friends after a year away. Then, her sister tried guilt tripping her into babysitting three kids for three days. She refused, but now she’s second-guessing her choice in the face of pushback from her family.
More info: Reddit
Family helps family, but for this woman, her sister’s request for three days of babysitting while she was on holiday was too much to take
Image credits: prostock-studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After a year away, she’d finally managed to make it back to her hometown and had plans to just kick back and catch up with old friends
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Two days after she arrived though, her sister pulled her aside and asked her to babysit her nieces and nephew for three days
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman, who’s child-free by choice, told her sister she wouldn’t be doing that because she already had other plans
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Now her parents are siding with her sister, prompting the woman to ask an online community if saying no to providing free childcare on her vacation was a jerk move
After more than a year away, a 33-year-old OP finally flew across the country to spend some time with her parents, relax, and reconnect with old friends. However, her plans hit a snag when her older sister asked her to watch her three kids (ages 4, 8, and 10) for three whole days, just two days after OP arrived.
OP adores her nieces and nephew but had to politely decline. Her vacation wasn’t meant to be a free nanny gig. She explained to her sister that she already had plans and really wanted time for herself. Instead of understanding, though, her sister turned cold, accusing her of being “selfish” and dismissing OP’s choice to remain child-free.
To make matters worse, OP’s parents sided with her sister. They urged her to “just do it” to keep the peace, insisting “it’s only three days.” OP couldn’t help feeling a dreaded sense of déjà vu; back when she lived at home, she babysat constantly, multiple nights a week, without so much as a thank you.
Now OP’s torn between guilt and frustration, wondering if she was wrong to finally set boundaries after years of unpaid childcare and standup for her time. She turned to an online community for support and advice, asking whether or not she overreacted.
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From what OP tells us in her post, her years of free childcare have set an unhealthy precedent her sister feels entitled to take advantage of. And the keyword here is entitled. If you’ve ever dealt with a family member who thinks the world always owes them a favor, you can probably relate. How can OP handle the guilt tripping, though? We went looking for answers.
In his article for WebMD, Robin D. Stone writes that guilt trips typically happen in close relationships (family, friends, some co-workers) where you care about your connection as well as the person’s feelings and how your behavior affects them. That care is what a guilt-tripper zeroes in on: when they “guilt-trip” you, they’re using your emotional bond to manipulate you into doing something.
According to Stone, guilt trips may seem trivial or annoying, but they can wreck relationships. Studies show they don’t actually convince people to change their behaviors, but rather make people feel obligated to change their behaviors against their will.
In his article for Fatherly, Jeremy Brown suggests a few ways to respond when someone tries to guilt trip you, including setting boundaries, calling the guilt tripper out, not taking it personally, staying calm, being compassionate, and explaining how you’re feeling using “I” statements.
As a child-free person by choice, we say OP has every right to decide how she spends her own vacation. Her invisible labor of years past is no reason to assume she’ll be free to take over that role just because her sister wants some time off. The sooner she can shake the guilt tripping and replace it with empowerment, the better.
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Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Tirrell De Gannes of the Thriving Center of Psychology to ask him how OP might best deal with her sister's guilt tripping.
Dr. De Gannes had this to say, "In order to counter the sister’s guilt tripping, OP should clarify that family helps family is not family manipulates family, family takes advantage of family, nor family guilts family. Asking OP to help is the only correct thing done here. It doesn’t matter if the request is for 3 days or 3 hours, if there isn’t an option to say no, it’s not help, it’s forced labor,"
"It should also be pointed out to the sister and parents that being selfish for one’s own personal vacation is a right. In addition, the family’s desire for someone other than themselves to take care of the children is also selfish, so name calling and placing blame can go both ways." concluded Dr. De Gannes.
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think she should just cave and sacrifice three days of her hometown holiday, or tell her sister exactly where to get off? Feel free to share your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers seemed to agree that the woman was not overreacting, and slammed her sister for assuming she’d just be free childcare
