In a perfect world, family is a place from which a person can draw strength and inspiration in difficult life situations. A group of people who are always ready to help and support, in word and deed. But the perfect world is definitely not the one we live in; in reality, everything is much more complicated.
For example, the user u/CherryOk1649, the heroine of our story today, did her best a few years ago to help and support her older sister after a serious injury. So did all her family. But over the years, the behavior of the parents began to cause more and more concern for the woman. However, let's talk about everything in order.
More info: Reddit
The author of the post has an elder sister who got heavily injured in an accident 3 years ago
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius (not the actual photo)
The woman was left paralyzed from the waist down since then - and the family rallied to help and support her
Image credits: CherryOk1649
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius (not the actual photo)
However, the author says that her mom tries to shut her down every time she wants to share some good news from her own life
Image credits: CherryOk1649
Image credits: Karolina Kaboompics (not the actual photo)
Over the years, it has started to annoy the woman as she feels like an awful person for being happy around her sister
Image credits: CherryOk1649
So one day when the situation repeated itself, the author just claimed that she thought they’d all be happy for her, and simply left
So, the Original Poster (OP) is 26 years old, and her older sister was in a tragic accident three years ago, which left her paralyzed from the waist down. According to the author, the whole family rallied to help her sister, and our heroine was no exception. Rather, on the contrary, she really did her best... but over time she began to notice that her parents, in particular her mom, were using this situation in a not entirely appropriate way.
All the family members live separately, but the OP feels that when they get together, they regularly try to shut her down if she wants to share any good news or successes from her life. As the author’s mother stated, “so as not to upset her sister.”
The Original Poster got a promotion at work? Hush, it's not the proper time to tell about it! Her boyfriend proposed to her? Not now, just look at your sister! She might get upset! And so from month to month, from year to year...
No, of course, our heroine realizes that her sister’s life changed drastically literally in one tragic moment. She loves her sister very much and sympathizes with her as well. But time passed, and the woman understood that her parents were blocking almost any manifestation of joyful feelings on her part.
Probably so that the sister would not be hurt - however, her sister herself would never shut her down. Only their mom. And, what’s most offensive, both the parents and the author’s BIL have never been shy about talking about their own successes...
And so, during the next family gathering, our heroine decided to share some more good news with her fam - she had been saving money for her first new car for a long time, and now she was ready to make this purchase. And again, as always, her mother abruptly intervened in her story. But this time the OP objected to her.
The woman loudly declared: “Can’t I share anything good in my life? I thought you’d all be happy for me!” Nobody found anything to say, and the author stormed out of her parents' house. However, now she is overcome by mixed feelings. On the one hand, she feels awkward in front of her sis. On the other hand, she understands that this really cannot continue. So the OP decided to seek advice online.
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
“I can’t say that the parents of the sisters acted reasonably and wisely in this situation. Quite the contrary,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment here.
"No, I do believe that they sincerely wanted to support the eldest daughter, but in doing so they are probably only making things worse for her. They are actually creating an atmosphere of sadness and despondency around her. Not the best atmosphere for any recovery process."
“As for the younger sister, in my opinion, she did the right thing - after all, in any case, she cannot “preserve” her feelings and emotions for many years. And she's not to blame for what happened to her sister. So that, it seems to me, it makes sense to talk to the parents again, to explain the reasons for her reaction, and if they don’t understand her - well, then it’s worth sharing the good news with those who are really happy about it,” Irina ponders.
Well, in fact, there are many studies that confirm that it’s crucial for people that the good news they share with important people is fully perceived. It is at this level that that same emotional closeness is created, so important between related people.
"Yet, not being able to authentically share good news with family, friends, and work colleagues can be devastating because it defies our expectations and changes how we think about the people around us," says Zachary White Ph.D., in his dedicated article on Psychology Today. “Others’ lack of responses can make us feel confused and disconnected from our own experiences in ways that distort our reality.”
In the study on how people perceive good news from others, J. MacLaren Kelly, MAPP, PhD, constructs a matrix of responses to, for example, news about getting promoted at work: Passive Destructive (“Did you end up getting the mail yet or should I ?”), Passive Constructive (“Mmmm, Okay.”), Active Destructive (“That will mean you will have less time for me.”) and Active Constructive (“Wow - that’s terrific news! You deserve it. I’m so happy for you!”). And only an “Active Constructive” answer really supports your well-being.
And well, according to people in the comments, the author's relatives seem to have formed unhealthy mental patterns around this situation, which is really troubling. "I'd spend less time with your family at your sister's house. Spend time with your sister, spend time with your family, but stop combining the two so much," another commenter added quite reasonably.
“Why do you think you owe your sister an apology? You don’t. It’s sad that she is disabled but YOU are entitled to your life” - it’s also hard to disagree with this opinion from one of the responders. And what do you, our dear readers, think about this story? Please feel free to share your comments below the post.
People in the comments almost unanimously sided with the author, advising her to limit the communications with parents then
