Growing up is tough enough. You certainly don’t need a sibling making your life a living hell on top of it. But, as wrong as it may be, bullies will be bullies, and sometimes there’s just no getting away from them, especially when you’re in the same family.
For one woman, her brother bullied her endlessly when they were kids. Now that they’re older, he’s having life-threatening health issues and needs a kidney transplant in a hurry. The woman’s parents expect her to donate but she’s said not so fast. She’s since turned to reddit to ask if she’s the jerk for having doubts.
More info: Reddit
How far would you go for family? This woman’s parents expect her to give up an organ
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Family’s favorite son made her life a living hell growing up, leaving her with years of childhood trauma to wade through
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Now that they’re older, her bullying brother suddenly needs a kidney transplant and the family are looking at her to donate, but she’s not sure since her own health’s not the greatest
Image credits: yourrdesiqueen
Sad, stressed, and confused, she turned to folks on the internet for ask if she was being a jerk for not really wanting to give up a kidney
OP begins her story by telling the community that she and her older brother, Jake, never had a good relationship growing up. He was the favorite child, popular, good at sports. and got all the attention from her parents, but that didn’t stop him making her life a living hell for years. OP says her parents never took it seriously, saying that’s just how brothers are.
When OP moved away to college, she cut as much contact with Jake as possible and pieced together a new life for herself. She thought everything was behind her, but now it turns out Jake is suffering from a life-threatening condition and needs a kidney transplant or he’s not going to make it.
OP’s parents reached out to her a few weeks ago asking her if she’d get tested to see if she was a donor match, fully expecting her to go through with donating her kidney if she was. They’re saying it’s her duty as a sister but after everything Jake did to her growing up, OP isn’t sure what to do.
Her parents keep calling her selfish and saying she’s letting her brother die just because of a grudge, but Jake hasn’t even tried to apologize or reach out to her himself. OP says of course he’s her brother and she loves him but her own health isn’t the greatest and she worries about the negative impact the procedure might have on her, too.
OP goes on to say she’s feeling guilty, her parents are making her feel like a bad person, and she doesn’t know whether or not she’s in the wrong. She concludes by asking reddit if she’s a jerk for not really wanting to donate her kidney to a brother who bullied her.
Childhood trauma can take a lifetime to wade through, and there’s no doubt here that Jake is reaping what he sowed. Years of toxic behavior have left OP understandably hesitant to do what her parents call her so-called “duty”.
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
In her article for Psychology Today, Andrea Brandt Ph.D. writes that trauma generates emotions, and unless we process these emotions at the time the trauma occurs, they become stuck in our mind and body. Instead of healing from the wounding event, the trauma stays in our body as energy in our unconscious, affecting our life until we uncover it and work it out.
Brandt goes on to add that, as children, we can’t distinguish our feelings and our “self” - we think we are our feelings. If our feelings aren’t treated as acceptable in a certain situation, we may decide that we aren’t acceptable, too. To heal from childhood trauma, we have to finish the process that should have begun decades ago, when the wounding incident first occurred.
In her article for Choosing Therapy, Rachael Miller writes that we are all products of our environment, and thus childhood trauma often has a deep impact on a person’s adult life. It can often lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and substance abuse. What’s more, it can cause individuals to struggle with emotional regulation and self-esteem.
The most challenging aspect of beginning to heal from childhood trauma is that it can be temporarily disruptive. Delving into the impact that childhood trauma has had on you can challenge how you see past events, affect your current relationships, and cause you to seriously rethink aspects of your life.
Miller puts forward 12 tips to dealing with childhood trauma. Some of these include accepting what occurred, acknowledging the impact of the trauma, reaching out for help, learning your trauma triggers, distancing yourself from toxic people, identifying and challenging negative beliefs, and practicing self-compassion.
Before OP can make a decision about becoming a living organ donor, it’s probably best she tries overcoming her painful past with her big brother first. Taking a step away from her toxic parents and laying down some hard boundaries could help, too.
Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Dr Mari Kovanen to get her take on the situation.
When we asked her what she thought of the parents' demands that she donate her kidney to her brother, she had this to say, "There seems to be a long history of unequal parenting and favoritism in the family; where one child has been the golden child and the other has been secondary and her feelings have been often dismissed."
"This dynamic may possibly originate from the mother's own struggles to bond with her daughter as she may bring about in her the struggles she has with her own mother." she says.
Kovanen goes on to say, "People end up repeating old parenting behaviors unless they consciously decide to parent differently. The father is then an ally to the mother and they unite in the way they treat their children unequally."
We asked Dr. Kovanen for one piece of advice she'd offer OP going forward.
She said, "As a bottom line, she needs to prioritize herself and her health whether it is mental or physical health. She does not owe anything to his brother even if he is a blood relative. There are many potential donors in the world so it may be that she also needs some medical information to help her to understand the whole donor process better."
What do you think of OP’s situation? Do her parents have a right to demand she give up one of her organs for her entitled brother? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
Redditors in the comments told the woman that her health should be her first priority, she wasn't being a jerk, and she’d definitely be screened out during the approval process
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
