“Works Surprisingly Well”: 45 Psychological ‘Cheat Codes’ People Use In Social Situations And Swear They Work

When I notice that someone who I haven’t seen in a while seems to have forgotten my name, I throw in a quick story where someone else says my name. The more self-deprecating the story, the better. “My wife was just telling me the other day, ‘Dave, you don’t get out and see your old colleagues anymore’.” It’s an old trick I learned from the most socially astute person I know: Mom.

Whenever I’m stuck behind a slow driver who turns corners like a sloth, I have trained my brain to go to a rational belief: they must be driving around with an open fish bowl and a bunch of fish. Maybe they’re delivering fish to someone, or returning them to a store. Puts me in calmer frame of mind. I’m now thinking: hurry up! But not too fast. You don’t want to spill the fish!

Being pleasant is one of the biggest cheat codes in the universe.

Say nice things about people behind their backs - the entire group will trust you more.

Smile and be reasonable when an inconvenience happens. The person helping will feel more motivated to try to help you if you are understanding and acknowledge that they are trying to help. Even if you are angry and let anger slip, make sure to tell any person who didn't cause it that you aren't angry at them - most customer service people have been [harrassed] by customers often enough that they are way more helpful for a pleasant person.

If an issue does not actually matter much to you, letting someone else have it their way makes them more kindly disposed towards you.

You don't have to be a pushover, but being pleasant and polite most of the time also makes it so that if someone pushes you too hard, they instantly look like the bad guy.

Whenever someone comes to me with a problem, I ask them if they're venting (want me to just listen); asking for advice; or asking me to fix something.

It prevents me from giving unwanted advice and also allows me to listen with a purpose in mind. It also helps the person realize what it is they need.

Meet conflict with curiosity. You can avoid a lot of arguments by asking what someone meant and genuinely listening to understand.

Nearby-Reindeer-6088:

When I was a kid I automatically thought every argument was an inability to understand each other or reach an agreeable resolution. It totally blew my mind when I realized as a teenager that some people argue to win, no matter how illogical or far outside their interest their position turns out to be.

Listening more than talking. People love a good audience and spill everything.

Admitting to mistakes instantly disarms everybody.

I use this at my tech job and not socially, but it’s my best trick: when I’m in a long, jargony meeting with people who are not clear communicators, I say “let me make sure I understand” and then repeat key points back in simpler language. If I’m having trouble following, other people are too, and they may not be brave enough to say so. If I get it, they’ll say so, and they ensures everyone gets it. If I don’t get it, they’ll try again, and then I’ll try again. No more meetings where everyone leaves with a different conclusion of what we discussed, or what we have to do next.

I just tell people I have no idea what I'm doing. It throws them off. That's how I got my mortgage lol. I was 23, called up a random mortgage company, apologized profusely and asked if they could explain what to do and what I needed to know. Dude spent probably 2 hours on the phone explaining everything to me and even recommended a different company after hearing what we needed.


Just the other day, my stupid key fob battery [drained] and I replaced it, it still didn't work but the key turned on the car so I thought maybe it needed to be reprogrammed or reconnected or something so I went into the dealership and just handed them my key and word vomited "I don't know what to do I don't know what's wrong I replaced the battery and it still doesn't work but I drove here and idk what the fix it but I figured you guys could help" all in about 1.5 breaths. The guy was dumbfounded, took my key to the parts area where the dude there had heard everything too and they both just quietly replaced the battery and sent me on my way.


Didn't even pay and I'm way out of warranty.

Telling people they are smart in subtle ways wins you allies. You can’t be overwhelming with it. But if someone does something that works or makes a good call or predicts something, complement them on it. “That was a good idea” or “that worked really well” or “good idea” or “I liked how you (insert thing)”

At the end of the day, people just want to feel validated and valued and appreciated. Complementing their intelligence covers all those.

And again, don’t gush. Be subtle with it.

Do not smile when someone tries to manipulate you by being "funny".

iDontLikeChimneys:

This is a good one. I work in comedy and there is a difference between giving a pity laugh, a real laugh (because you thought it was funny), and just full-stop silence.
Letting them soak in the silence is a lot more poignant than arguing with why you think they made a bad joke.
For instance, I have family members who think racism is funny. Not the tongue in cheek racism, the "i actually believe this" racism. I just sip my drink like Kermit and let them sit in it.

Prefacing my own thoughts with "my dad always said" to avoid the male impulse to immediately disagree with even the most benign statement.

BungleBungleBungle:

I was the "well, actually" guy for so long until I realised I sounded like an obnoxious prick. I wasn't trying to be an obnoxious prick, I just knew they were wrong. Since then, I've either just said nothing, or started by saying "I thought that too, but i just found out recently etc etc".

Most people unconsciously expect everyone else to think, behave, feel the same way they would.

So, what they expect from others is very revealing as to what you can expect from them and how they understand situations.

Mirroring body language subtly... people instantly feel more comfortable around you.

It's not really a "cheat code," but… Build up people who are part of the same social circle but aren't currently present. For example, if you're out at dinner with your normal circle of friends and one of them isn't there, talk them up and share something positive about them to the rest of the group. Without consciously thinking about it, we start to become aware of the kind of things people in our social circles say about us when we're not present. Sort of like the "if he cheats on his girlfriend to be with you, he's going to cheat on you at some point too," there's a real character-revealing element when someone is bad-mouthing someone who isn't there, where we recognize that we might be spoken negatively about by the same friend when we're not there.

If you tell your group, "man, I can't believe how good John is getting at guitar" when John isn't there, you're planting seeds of trust in the others in your circle that if they're ever the ones that are missing from the social situation, you're more likely to be building them up than tearing them down. If you tell them, "I can't believe John still has that stupid mustache" and try to get a laugh out of them (assuming you wouldn't say that to John if he were there), you might get some laughs, but you'll also be planting seeds of distrust instead.

More broadly, apply the same technique even if the person is present. If you're hanging out with two people you know who don't know each other well and the subject is about desserts, tell Jenny, "Sarah here is an incredible baker. She made the best chocolate chip cookies for our Christmas party."

None of this has to be obvious or overt. Don't force these sort of things. But if you can associate in people's heads a sense of "this person builds people up" instead of "this person tears people down," especially (but not exclusively) when the person they're building/tearing isn't there, you're going to build a sense of trust in others.

I trained my buddy to not curse so much around me. He didn't even realize I did it. it took a few days of doing this, but when we'd sit down and eat lunch, I'd listen and look at him and engage when he was talking, but when he cursed, I'd look away, or look down at my food, or "miss" something he just said. It was only around me that his behavior changed, and he didn't notice til a mutual friend noticed and said something.

Here a few I use to gain buy-in really quickly:

- Match the energy. If the person you're speaking with is soft-spoken, try to lower your volume. If they are casual, don't be to stiff 🙂

- Genuine compliment. Everyone loves a genuine compliment. It really does go a long way to breaking the ice. Just don't make it weird lol 😅

- Body language. Open and receptive body language, such as unfolded arms, slightly tilted head and eye contact.

- Pareto Principle. Talk 20%, listen 80%. Almost guaranteed way to leave the impression that the conversation went well. Ask questions about them. Try to find them interesting and be curious. Again, just don't be weird about this one lol 😅 It's not an interigation 🧐.

The Ben Franklin effect. Ask someone for a small, insignificant favor. 'Hey, could you grab me a napkin?' or 'Can you watch my stuff for a sec?'

Their brain subconsciously justifies helping you by thinking, 'Well, I must like this person.' It's a weird cognitive dissonance trick that builds rapport out of thin air. Works surprisingly well.

Social situations got a lot easier when I stopped thinking in black and white, introduced nuance to situations, ask for clarity in situations where I’m uncertain, and quit assuming malicious intent because intent *does* matter.

Smiling and waving and acting genuinely happy to see people you know, even acquaintances. Sure you get blanked once in a while, but trying this out for a month, genuinely changed how I interact with people - and how they interact with me. I’m super shy, socially anxious, and I’d awkwardly avoid people. Until I did a mental inventory - who are MY favourite people to run into? And it was always the ones who seemed genuinely happy to see me. So, even if I don’t remember name, I now be the first to make eye contact and wave and smile big and say - oh it’s so nice to see you again! And instead of feeling lonely and shy and awkward, suddenly- people are happy to see me too. And now that I’ve been doing this - people do it back to me! They see me and smile and wave, and…wait..now I’m part of a community?!

Oh, and because I’m terrible at small talk with most people and if I overstay the conversation I WILL make things weird - I’ve learned how to do the greet and run - “Hey!! Ohmygod it’s SO nice to see you! Sorry I can’t chat I’m on a mission to… hope to see you soon!”

Sometimes (and more often these days) if I have the bandwidth, I’m able to actually catch up with them and chat a bit, but I don’t feel bad if I can’t. Other people mostly hate small talk too, lol.