Growing up with siblings can teach you patience, teamwork, and how to perfect the art of calling "dibs" before anyone else. However, there’s a big difference between occasionally helping out at home and effectively becoming a stand-in parent before you’re even old enough to make your own life decisions.
That’s the difficult situation this Original Poster (OP) found himself reflecting on. After spending years acting as a caregiver for his younger siblings while his own education was put on hold, he left home. Now, his parents are urging him to return because another baby is on the way.
More info: Reddit
Expecting one adult to manage the needs of 10 children would be overwhelming, but expecting another child to step into a parental role takes that burden to an entirely different level
Image credits: Magnific / Magnific (not the actual photo)
The author revealed he spent much of his childhood raising his 10 younger siblings while his parents continued expanding the family
Image credits: Magnific / Magnific (not the actual photo)
The constant caregiving took a toll on his education and well-being, leading him to drop out of high school before eventually moving out at 18
Image credits: karlyukav / Magnific (not the actual photo)
Now that his mother is pregnant again, his parents and some siblings are pressuring him to return home and resume his role as the family's primary caregiver
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Although he feels guilty about leaving his younger siblings behind, he says he wants to protect his future and is seeking advice on distancing himself from his family
The OP explained that he is the oldest of ten children, born to parents whose religion forbids birth control or limiting family size. His mother has never worked outside the home, while his father has been the family's sole provider despite struggling to support such a large household. He shared that as the eldest, much of the daily responsibility for raising his younger siblings fell on his shoulders.
In fact, refusing to help resulted in harsh punishments, and he was regularly expected to fill a parental role instead of enjoying a normal childhood. Naturally, this affected his education as his grades suffered to the point that he dropped out of high school during his junior year. Unfortunately, this also damaged his relationships with his siblings.
When he turned 18, he left both his parents' home and the church he was raised in. Since then, he has refused to return to his previous caregiving role, and he says his oldest sister has done the same. Now, however, his parents have begun repeatedly contacting him because no one is effectively raising the younger children.
With his mother pregnant again with an eleventh child, they insist the family needs him back to keep everything functioning. As for the OP, he feels guilty but has no desire to move back home. He worries that returning would simply restart the same cycle of unpaid caregiving that prevented him from building his own future in the first place.
Image credits: gpointstudio / Magnific (not the actual photo)
The OP's experience reflects a family dynamic that mental health professionals call parentification. Attachment Project explains that parentification occurs when a child takes on responsibilities that are typically meant for a parent, such as caring for siblings, managing household tasks, or providing emotional support.
The situation may have been made even more difficult by the size of the family. BetterHelp notes that having many children isn't inherently harmful, but it can become challenging for parents to divide their time, attention, and financial resources among everyone. They refer to this as resource dilution theory, which suggests that as family size grows, each child may receive a smaller share of parental support.
Many adults who experienced parentification also report feeling guilty when they prioritize their own needs because they were raised to put everyone else first. According to Serenium Wellness, adults who have spent years putting their family's needs before their own often struggle when they begin setting boundaries. They explain that this guilt is frequently rooted in long-standing family expectations rather than selfishness.
Netizens felt the OP had already sacrificed a lot, and strongly encouraged him to prioritize his own future and resist returning to the caregiving role his parents expected him to fill. What do you think about this situation? Is it selfish to put yourself first after spending years caring for others, or is it necessary for healing? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens urged the author to limit contact with his family and focus on building an independent life, and encouraged him to seek opportunities that would help him move forward
