42 Things That Weren’t Mentioned Until After The Marriage Certificate Was Signed

Having secrets isn't as black and white as it may seem. We might be quick to judge others who keep secrets from their significant others and don't fess up until marriage. But there might be reasons why they're keeping a thing or two from their prospective spouse. Here are some possible explanations why a partner would keep secrets:

1. They don't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe they're afraid the secret might hurt you and think that not telling you is the better choice. 
2. Shame and fear of being judged. Perhaps the secret is so big and personal that they're only willing to share it with someone with whom they're spending the rest of their life: a spouse, for example.

1. Avoidance. Some people just can't deal with difficult conversations. They hope a conflict will resolve on its own or until the secret comes to light on its own.
2. Trust issues. Although we're supposed to trust our spouses with our lives (in sickness and in health, right?), some people have trouble being an open book.
3. Fear of breaking up. In some cases, people keep secrets because they're afraid that the truth might mean the end of a relationship. Infidelity is often an example of this.

People may need time to share big, serious secrets like childhood trauma, even with their spouses. But when we keep smaller, more trivial secrets in a marriage, they add up with time and can erode trust and intimacy between spouses.

Relationship expert Judith Sill, PhD, claims that every petty lie and secret alienates us from our partners. "However trivial the distortion, every time you mask yourself to avoid conflict, you take a small step away from your partner," she explains. "Emotional distance does not foster great love," she concludes.

However, Sill also notes that sharing every thought that comes into your head can do more damage than good. There's a balance between knowing what to share and what to keep quiet about. Sill believes in "shielding your mate from the parts of yourself that he or she finds most difficult to love." As relationship expert Sheri Stritof puts it, only share secrets that are "kind, helpful, honest, and necessary."