Hey Pandas, My Partner Has A Side Of Him I’m Not Sure About—Should I Be Concerned?

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When I was in my 20s, I was married to who I felt was my best friend. We had dated for several years and, due to a private matter, decided to get married. For the most part, our marriage was fine—except for the few times he made me insecure when I would hear co-workers make comments about a certain woman he worked with.

One time, when we were out with a couple of people, I asked his co-worker if he had enjoyed the work weekend with my husband. He looked confused and said he hadn’t gone; instead, it was a female worker who needed to be present. I laughed it off, pretending I had confused the weekends, and let it go. But deep down, I knew he had lied, and I didn’t bring it up. I was angry and hurt by the lie.

This moment brought back memories from before we were married—when one of his friends had mentioned him taking a gift to an ex. I confronted him about it, and his excuse was that he wanted to make her current boyfriend jealous. I chose to forgive him and stayed.

He would talk to me about his broken marriage, and I would give him advice. Over time, he told me they were living separate lives and were only staying together for the kids since she traveled a lot.

At that point, I had also started the process of my separation, and he and I grew closer. He was always there for me, but at times, he would disappear for days, saying he was tending to his kids. By this time, I was divorced. I started seeing other people, but he was always in the picture. Eventually, I had his baby.

I guess I never had any real guidance, and my eyes were completely blind. The night before I gave birth, we spoke, but after that, I didn’t hear from him for months. Then, suddenly, he reached out, begged to be in our lives, and I let him back in.

I was still divorced, and he was still "separated," yet he was living in the same house as his wife. He claimed she had been seeing someone else for a while, which several people had confirmed. Years later, when our child was older, his estranged wife confronted me, calling me a homewrecker, among other things. I was followed by her friends and family and pushed until one of my friends intervened and helped me get to my car.

She had referred to him as her husband, and I didn’t understand why. He told me to call the police and press charges, but I couldn’t do it. His children had witnessed their mother’s actions, and I didn’t want to put them through more pain. He kept insisting, but my heart wouldn’t let me do it.

Eventually, she signed the divorce papers she had been holding on to for ten years. Still, she continued to blame me for her broken marriage and harassed me. He and I eventually moved in together, and I have a decent relationship with his kids. She moved on with someone else, yet she still talks about me and my child.

To be honest, I don’t know if he ever told me the full truth. I feel like he lied to both of us and that he might be a borderline narcissist. Looking back, I realize how foolish I was to believe him over and over again, ending relationships with people who might have been good partners for me.

From an outsider’s perspective, I wonder—was I really the homewrecker? I feel trapped now, as though I brought this upon myself and don’t deserve to feel happiness.

He is nice and does things for us, but he also has a side to him that is questionable. He claims that I overthink things and make life complicated. Many times, I feel I would be happier alone, but I don’t want to hurt my child. Life is so twisted at times.