Every year in the United States, there are over 600K divorces, but approximately 66% of divorcees remarry sooner or later. Considering that couples with children often divorce, the issue of improving relationships between stepparents and stepkids becomes not just crucial - actually vital.
The author of our story today, the user u/Elzouisi8, has faced the same contradictory situation for almost her entire life. On the one hand, her stepfather genuinely wanted to build a good relationship with her and her siblings. On the other hand, he clearly overdid it.
More info: Reddit
Living with angry and vile stepparents is really a nightmare but are the overly nice stepparents actually this good?
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author of the post is 17 years old, and her parents divorced many years ago, when she was a baby
Image credits: Elzouisi8
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Then, a few years later, the author's mom remarried some guy, who started imposing himself as a dad on the stepkids
Image credits: Elzouisi8
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
At the same time the author's bio dad was always nearby, since the spouses divorced with a shared custody - and this stepdad's zeal looked quite weird
Image credits: Elzouisi8
Image credits: wavebreakmedia_micro / Freepik (not the actual photo)
So the man's attempts to make friends with stepkids were fruitless - and the author even moved to her bio dad when she turned 16
Image credits: Elzouisi8
Recently the stepdad started reproaching her, and the author answered him harshly that it was their mom who chose him, not the kids, thus making him cry
So, the Original Poster (OP) is now 17 years old, the youngest of three kids born to her parents, who divorced long ago, when our heroine was just a baby. The couple separated under a shared custody arrangement, so the kids spent one week at each of their parents' homes. A couple of years later, the author's mom remarried.
No, her new stepdad wasn't a villain or simply indifferent, as is often the case in such situations. Quite the contrary, from the very first moment he met the children, he tried to impose himself on them as a "second dad" - and he was overly pushy. Especially considering that the bio dad was always somewhere nearby.
Our heroine hoped that after the birth of their own children, the stepfather's inappropriate zeal would subside, but she was mistaken. He continued to call her "my girl," insisted on being addressed as "dad" on holiday greeting cards - and was insanely jealous of all three stepkids' relationship with their biological father.
When the OP turned 16, she moved in with her dad full-time, and this again irritated the stepdad. He went dramatic and claimed that the kids’ treatment all these years had been unfair toward the man their family had chosen as their new dad.
The original poster reasonably countered that their mom had chosen him, not them. The guy burst into tears and then demanded an apology, but the author simply stormed out of the house. Then, after some considerations, she decided to seek support and advice online.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
What can be said for certain in this situation is that the original poster's stepfather may have been a decent person anyway. However, he made one critical mistake in his relationship with his stepchildren, which, by all accounts, actually cost him that relationship. He literally forced the issue, trying to impose himself on them as their dad right off the bat.
Experts do say that for children of almost any age, divorce often feels like a complete collapse of their world, and they subconsciously still hope that their parents will reconsile. So, anyone who stands in the way of this reconciliation, even if it's a false hope, is invariably viewed with hostility, this dedicated article at BabyYumYum says.
Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., agrees, bluntly stating in her article on Psychology Today that it takes time for children to perceive a stepparent as a close person. "First, fit into the ongoing family before trying to fit it into the stepparent," Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D., notes on Psychology Today. The author's stepdad clearly didn't do this at all.
People in the comments also agreed that the man's desire to replace the author's dad has clearly become a form of obsession for him. Some readers were convinced that this seems just gross, to say the least - so the author did the right thing. "I got the creeps just reading this," someone added. So what's your opinion about this story? Please feel free to leave your comments below.
Both the experts and the commenters agree that no rush is actually needed in setting up the mixed family relationships - so the stepdad just made one big mistake right from the start
