Parenting is already a big responsibility and comes with its own set of ups and downs, but stepparenting is a whole other ballgame. This is because it may take a longer while to build a connection with stepkids, and there often can be unexpected obstacles along the way.
This stepmom found that out the hard way after her husband’s ex-wife tried to create a rift between her and the children. Connecting with the kids would mean she’d have to compromise on her boundaries, which put the woman in a difficult position.
More info: Reddit
Every good stepparent wants to establish a great relationship with their partner’s kid, but that can sometimes be a tough thing to do
Image credits: Josh Willink / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman shared that her husband has two daughters with his ex-wife and that their co-parenting relationship is very “unstable” and requires a lot of mediation
Image credits: Roberto Nickson / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Her stepdaughters had no problem with her until their mom began poisoning their minds against her, after which they began acting colder
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
An issue arose when the girls wanted to join expensive dance classes that were 50 minutes away; her husband and his ex okayed the idea but expected the stepmom to drive the girls
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The woman refused to take her stepchildren to the classes because of work, and her other kid’s extracurriculars, but her husband’s ex got mad at that and began causing drama
This situation is a complex one because it’s clear that the husband’s ex-wife does not respect his new spouse. The OP knows that that is the reason why her stepkids are so cold towards her. Even though her husband has been supportive and taken her side, the rude behavior from the kids and their mom has continued.
To get an expert’s opinion on this situation, Bored Panda contacted Gayla Grace, a writer, editor, and speaker who deeply understands the stepparent role. She has a master’s degree in psychology and counseling and has studied human behavior for more than two decades. She also serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® as a writer and a speaker to equip and encourage blended families.
Gayla explained that “stepparent relationships with their stepchildren are highly impacted by the support or lack of support of the biological parent in the home. Intentional efforts to support the stepparent in front of the children can make positive strides in relationship building.”
The OP’s husband might have done a good job of standing up for her in other situations, but this time, he did not take her opinion about the kids’ dance classes into consideration. He and his ex-wife took the decision and then expected the stepmom to drive the girls 50 minutes away for their classes.
According to Gayla, “the husband is the catalyst for any change in this situation. If he wants his wife's support with his children, she should be given a voice in decision-making regarding them and their activities. He needs to continuously show support for his wife in front of his girls, verbally emphasizing her value and the importance of her input in their home.”
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Since the woman did not feel heard either by her spouse or his ex, she decided to stay firm with her boundaries and said no to driving her stepkids. This decision did not go well, and she received a lot of backlash from the kids’ mom. This also made her feel guilty and wonder if she was actually doing the right thing.
Gayla told us that “strained relationships can be expected when an ex-wife maliciously turns her children against their stepmom. In order to help improve the relationship, the husband must stand up for his current wife.”
“He can ask to meet his ex-wife with his new wife accompanying him and talk about the importance of all the adults working together for the sake of the kids. The husband needs to let his ex-wife know that his wife wants to contribute to the well-being of the children, and he respects her input, particularly in decisions when she will be asked to help with the kids,” she suggested.
No stepparent wants to feel like an outsider in their spouse’s family. That’s why the OP’s husband really has to make an effort to include her in important decisions regarding the children. This may help improve her bond with them and also keep the devious ex-wife at bay.
How do you feel about the stepmom’s decision, and do you think she could have done anything differently?
Folks strongly sided with the poster and told her not to feel guilty about putting her foot down
