Eldest Daughter Raises 7 Siblings And Doesn’t Even Get A ‘Thank You’, Refuses To Share Her Wealth

Being an oldest sibling tends to involve also stepping in as a sort of parent-intern, particularly if there is only one parent around. Unfortunately, there are all too many parents out there who don’t know how to balance favors, gifts and attention and end up ensuring that the child who does so much work for them also resents them.

A woman asked the internet if she was wrong to tell her mom “no” when she asked her for $200. She recounted how during her childhood, she often had to take time to look after her seven siblings. To add insult to injury, her mom also thought it right to buy her siblings cars, while not getting her anything.

Some people tend to put a lot of credence in their birth order, treating it as the best explanation for “how they are.” While a few push it too far, there is some truth to this idea. Certainly, as in this story, parents will entrust more responsibility to an older child. After all, no older child will let a younger sibling “babysit them” even if both are of the right age to actually be responsible.

Non-oldest siblings might look at this story and ask why she didn’t just refuse or negotiate with her mom, but research suggests that these children often feel a very heavy weight of expectations on them. Unfortunately, parents, like this mom, will often reinforce this by giving them responsibilities, which to a child, might feel like an honor, but also create an expectation that the child has to keep helping out.

At the same time, children are very, very sensitive to favoritism and injustice. After all, until they get some source of income (itself a common cause of jealousy), they must rely on family for everything. So when it becomes clear that one’s parents are giving your siblings more, a better phone, better clothes or even a car, it should be abundantly clear how resentment can develop. What makes it worse is that the mom doesn’t seem to perceive it at all in this story. She is so indignant when her daughter (and, arguably, co-parent) tells her how she feels.

Interestingly, stories like this are actually so common, that some specialists have even debated the existence of an “Eldest Daughter Syndrome,” where, much like in this story, where the responsibilities placed on older siblings mix with the societal pressures often put on women. In short, many eldest daughters report that they have grown so used to just putting in extra effort, taking more responsibilities and solving other’s problems that they find themselves acting this way during adulthood.

At the same time, the woman’s issue here isn’t necessarily the pressures put on her as a teen, nor the sacrifices she had to make, rather, she is unhappy that her mother didn’t seem to acknowledge it. After all, had she been gifted a car or given some money to help with college, perhaps she wouldn’t feel this way.

Parents should be very sensitive to how they act around their children, since siblings will be watching and comparing how they are treated. Importantly, this isn’t just a warning to less-responsible parents, such as this mother, if we take the woman’s story at face value. Even a particularly loving mom or dad might still make one of their kids jealous simply because they "miscalculated" a gift or experience that another kid got.

Sadly, this mom seems unaware or unwilling to admit her mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, $200 is not that much money. However, the same woman who had money to buy three children cars now has to ask her own daughter for cash is questionable. It gives the impression that she simply thinks her eldest daughter exists to do things to her, regardless of fairness. After all, she’s put in parent-levels of work so far, what’s $200 more? Even the fact that this woman has to go online and ask if she was right is a clear indication that her perception of this relationship has been so badly skewed.