Everyone faces difficulties at work and regardless of whether you are used to them or they are a constant presence, you want to talk about them with someone. Sometimes all you need is to vent and for the person to understand you and be on your side without trying to help you change the situation.
But this one husband was too concerned about his wife to allow her to continue overworking herself, so he went behind her back and contacted her boss, informing him that his wife’s workload is inhumane. The wife found out about it and was furious. She also felt betrayed and now can’t trust her husband to talk about how she feels at work.
More info: Reddit
Husband is concerned about his overworked wife but doesn't realize how bad he made her look by contacting her boss
Image credits: energepic.com (not the actual image)
For the past few weeks, the Original Poster’s (OP) wife was working over 100 hours a week and wouldn’t get free time on the weekends. While these past weeks were very intense, the job was always demanding in general and took away many weekends and vacations. When Bored Panda got in touch with the author of the post, he explained to us that his wife's job includes supervising a team.
Not only that, but the woman constantly complains about the workload and her colleagues. There were several occasions when that job brought her to tears, but the threats to quits were just words.
The post author's wife works a lot and complains about how much she has to do and the stress sometimes leads to tears
Image credits: u/Sporkwing
The husband’s heart breaks every time he sees his wife suffering and he is actually pretty scared of the consequences of this constant pressure, so he always tries to be accommodating and helpful.
One way he thought that he could be helpful was to contact his wife’s boss that he was already familiar with, as the couple work at the same company, and tell him that his wife was over her limits and they can’t keep pushing her so much.
The boss agreed to help, but immediately messaging the wife telling her to take a break on the weekend sounded suspicious to the woman and she managed to get a confession from her boss about what was the reason behind it.
The husband tries to be as helpful as he can at home, but his heart breaks seeing his wife so on edge and he's sad they can't spend more time together
Image credits: u/Sporkwing
Image credits: energepic.com (not the actual image)
When the wife found out, she was really angry and called her husband misogynistic, because whatever he said in that message had “she can’t handle it” in between the lines. The woman was worried that all that work she put in will go to waste because her boss will lose all respect for her and she will need to do it all over again.
OP's action didn't come out of nowhere. The husband revealed to us that he talked about his wife's job a lot with her, "We’ve been talking about her workload being crazy for a solid year. She’s tired of me talking about it. The last 2-3 weeks have been just insane though and she knew it wasn’t sustainable just as much as I did." But the woman had entrusted her feelings about her work to her husband thinking she's just venting and she now feels that she can’t do that anymore.
In the comments, the husband was replying to people’s questions and opinions, but mostly he was explaining why he did it. The OP didn’t even think about what an employer would assume if an employee’s spouse contacted them saying that they are overworked. The husband just really wanted to help and thought that he could quietly fix it because it is unfair when employers put so much pressure on their employees.
He also told us, "I was friendly with her boss and the conversation I had was pretty chill. I only really realized how explosive the fire I was playing with after the first 3-4 responses and I quickly fired off a mea culpa. Perspective is a thing and I obviously wasn’t giving it enough in the heat of the moment."
So he decided that because he knows his wife's boss, he should tell him something, but it quickly backfired when the woman found out about it
Image credits: u/Sporkwing
However, the man admitted his mistake and when other redditors explained what he had done, he believed them and accepted their perspective. What they told him was that many women experience the same because they need to work harder than men to be acknowledged. This action allows the employer to assume that the woman can’t handle her job and can’t stand up for herself, which will make them trust her less.
He truly understands that it was not his place to speak, "Me going directly to her boss implied she wasn’t able to handle her own problems. Regardless if change was needed and if I might be able to offer outside perspective, I can’t fight that battle for her." The man added, "Seeing her killing herself and breaking down daily for no respect, it pissed me off and I crossed a line that could have had major consequences for her career and her trust had circumstances been different."
Image credits: u/Sporkwing
She called her husband misogynistic and now she can't trust him for going behind her back and possibly jeopardizing her career
Image credits: u/Sporkwing
In the edit the husband described what followed after the fight and he also spoke about it with us a bit about what has changed since then, "We’re working through things. I apologized to her boss and he was really nice about it. He knew things had to change already and it was just another reason for him to push for those changes sooner. But I also promised my wife I’d cut off all conversation with her boss outside of a company function. My wife is working on her boundaries with work a bit more. She only put in a half day on Sunday, so baby steps I guess."
However, he doesn't think that his wife will be searching for a new job any time soon, "She doesn’t have sanity to consider other jobs at the moment. I’ll send her possible jobs every once in a while that would pay more of what she’s worth, but she doesn’t have the energy or sanity to get out of the whirlwind right now."
Image credits: u/Sporkwing
It is understandable that a spouse wants to help when they see that the person they care about is unhappy, always stressed and can’t spend time with them because of work. But Harvard Business Review has different suggestions that don’t include going behind the spouse’s back, which potentially can harm their career.
Jennifer Petriglieri, assistant professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD, mentions listening to your partner as the first step. Give them your undivided attention and let them say what they have to say without interrupting or giving advice but engage in conversation using supportive language.
You can also try to make them see their situation through different eyes by asking questions and gently showing them your perspective if you have a difference from theirs because sometimes the frustration comes from a misunderstanding. You may want to suggest to them to reflect on whether the stressful job is actually making them happy and satisfied.
Petriglieri discourages spouses from rushing to solve problems and ignoring if one's partner is stuck in a rut. Also, you don’t have to be the only one to relieve the person’s stress, as outside friendships and interests may be even more effective.
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual image)
It seems that everyone agrees that work issues are for the employee to resolve and what their partner can do is be supportive and provide their perspective. Do you have any more suggestions on how the OP could have improved the situation for himself and his wife without going to her boss? Share them with us in the comments.
Only when people explained how his actions made his wife look unprofessional and like she can't handle her work did the husband understand her strong reaction
