I am a writer that no one has heard of and I just lost my best friend, Ripley a 13 year old Maine Coon cat.
I loved Ripley more than anything and his loss makes my life feel less worth living. Some people say he was just a cat (I had a co-worker tell me to just get over it and get another cat, jeez)... but he was literally my reason to keep going day in an day out.
Ripley was always a loving and amazing buddy and as he aged he started to have medical issues which finally reached a zenith about 3 weeks ago and took their toll one week ago. Short version he had crystals in his urine which stopped him from being able to urinate which caused kidney damage which caused liver failure. I caught it pretty early noticing him not being able to pee very well and took him to the vet and $600 I didn't have later they "fixed" the issue... what they and I didn't know was the damage was already done. He was fine for another week and then he just stopped eating, I took him in and they said there was nothing they could do. The vet and his staff accorded him every luxury in those final hours but there was nothing that could undo the harm.
I have been told this tends to be an issue with older, larger male cats but I can't help thinking if I had noticed sooner his issues maybe I could have saved him... maybe it would not have made an difference in the least. I won't ever let myself not feel guilty in this case. I don't know. But I was there (as was my ex-wife) and we helped him pass from this world. I cried so hard that night... and the next night... and the next night... and so on... it is 1 week tomorrow since he left me and I can't bring myself to move his bed from my room. He is now buried in my yard next to my dads ashes next to a tree planted for my father.
The night he died I wrote this as a way to deal with my pain.I was crying the entire time. I thought maybe some others could use it as a way to deal with their pain in losing a loved animal comrade. I hate when people think it is dumb to mourn an animal but to me animals are better people than most people (yes I know how that sounds).
The 3 images I have attached were taken a week before things went south as he loved to lounge on my web and watch me write or record a show.
"The room was as dark as always when I came home from work. After turning on the light, I called out for Ripley with a "Hey Buddy," only to depressingly realize I was now talking to an empty cat bed on the floor. The sigh of depression echoed in the room which now felt more empty than ever before without Ripley in it.
Ripley was a large male Maine Coon cat of beautific black and white fur making him look almost like a reverse skunk at times. Ripley the cat was a laid-back and loving beast and was the best friend I had ever had, and now he is gone. The room is hollow and desolate without him in it and I can only weep while being all alone now. Ripley was a reason to come home at night; Ripley was a confidant; Ripley was a comfort and was one of the few things of value I received after my divorce years prior.
When the depression and suicidal thoughts would periodically attack me I always could default to Ripley... I could not kill myself... I needed to take care of Ripley. I could not quit the human race and run away because who would take care of Ripley. Ripley was so much more than a cat, he was a lifeline... and now he is absent.
I cry all the time now. It has been only 18 hours since saying goodbye at the vet's office and holding Ripley that final time as the drugs did their work and put Ripley out of his pain. Crying in that office with my ex-wife beside him (he was her cat and friend as well, it was only fair she was there too), I still had to go to work a few hours later; my boss was very clear this was not an excused absence. After dealing with the jerk customers and having to put on a fake smile all day only to return to a room devoid of life now was adding to the agony. Ripley's ghost haunts everything in here. His bed sits untouched as I can not bring himself to move it. The water dish bubbles now and then with the overhead reservoir displacing air for water. The litter box sits passively in the corner. It will need to be removed but now is not the time. The bed even feels so overwhelming... Ripley would lay next to my head while I slept and would bring me peace at night. That is now gone.
After what has been a trying day I just need to cry (which I do) and finally head to bed for the first time in 12 years without Ripley. Having worked a full shift after watching my best friend pass into death, and even then having had only 3 hours of sleep prior to that, exhausted is not a strong enough word to describe me at this moment. Sleep comes easier than one might expect but it is not a sleep of solace, merely of fatigue.
After a few hours of restless nightmares (I always have nightmares, rarely does a cycle pass where the nightmares do to threaten to overtake me) I dream about Ripley. I dream about my best friend, dream about speaking to him one last time. Ripley was a cat and could not understand human speak but I always talked to Ripley nonetheless and most of the time, Ripley seemed to have at least understood the point of the words if not the words themselves in most cases. But in this dream Ripley is there... slinking along the darkened room and jumping onto the bed as he always would but now is speaking... goddamn speaking to me.
"Dad? Dad? I know this is strange but it's me."
I am still clearly asleep but as one does in a dream goes with the situation.
"Ripper?"
Ripley is speaking not vocally like some animated cartoon would have it but mentally perhaps?
"Dad, I can't explain it to you but they told me this is the only way I can say goodbye. It only is allowed for the strongest of bonds and they do something so we can understand one another. Don't think about it too hard but I wanted to see you one last time and tell you everything I never could as simply a cat. I know how much you loved me. I felt it every day and even when you got mad at me for clawing up one of your comic books or stealing a piece of candy from you. I know you loved me to your core. I am sorry that my passing has caused you so much torment but I am not in pain any longer. That last week when things went bad were not your fault. This happens with older male cats they tell me. I tried to stay as long as I could for you. I didn't want you to be alone but the light just got so dim. I know you saw in my eyes that final day it was time. I know you did everything you could. Please don't be sad dad, you were there with me helping me pass. It was nice to see Mom again too. After you two separated I wondered if I would ever see her again. Please don't cry for me Dad, I always made you happy and I want my memory to continue to make you smile and laugh."
Just going with it I do not question whether this is really happening or is simply a manifestation of guilt and loss.
"I tried so hard to save you, Ripper. I spent three paychecks to try and save you and I would have spent every cent in the world if I could have helped you. I don't know how I can function without you here. I look at your empty bed and I can only cry. I miss you so much, buddy. I miss your goofy snoring. I miss your purring next to me while I sleep. I even miss you stealing food off my plate. I am not complete without you. You helped me fight the demons in my mind. What am I am supposed to do?"
Dream or no dream, Ripley comes next to me and offers condolence.
"Dad, the divorce was rough on you. I know that and I know that when I got to move in with you things looked up but time will help you. I only get this one chance to tell you this but I will always be there with you. Always. I know you did everything you could and I know you loved me and miss me but my death can't deter your living. You buried me in the yard next to your dad's ashes right? I will always be here. If you want to honor me please help some shelter kitty that needs it. You gave me a great life and now you can help another cat in need. My time here is growing to an end, they tell me that what we are having right now is a rare break from protocol but it was seen that you needed this final visit to set your mind at ease. It's not religious I am informed, but when you love another this much they are never really dead. Remember me as your best friend and I will forever be with you, Dad. I have to go now. I know you wanted more time with me but you already gave me a full lifetime which is more than most cats get."
Crying uncontrollably, I do not want to say goodbye. This is most definitely not real but this is something and I want every single second he can get with Ripley again.
"Please don't leave, Ripper. Please."
Ripley is sitting in the pose he liked to do where he looks like an Egyptian king lounging on a throne and meows before he fades away leaving me crying so hard it seems almost physically impossible.
After waking up it turns out 5 hours have passed since I went to bed. Knowing this was just a guilt and grief ridden dream (nightmare?) I am shocked to see the faintest imprint of a paw on my pillow and this makes me wonder if Ripley really did get to visit me one last time. "
