“Competition with siblings is just a fact of life. And we, as people with siblings and people with children, can just try to manage it as best we can,” says Jeanine Vivona, a professor of psychology at the College of New Jersey.
While it may be surprising, these conflicts, as long as they don’t go too far, can actually help children become capable adults. Through these experiences, they learn to listen, cooperate, manage emotions, and solve problems—all crucial for building strong relationships.
Moreover, during fights, children can actually develop their unique personalities. By taking a stand for something they believe in, they figure out what truly matters to them – their favorite activities, hobbies, and passions. This self-discovery can make them feel more confident and independent as they grow up.
For parents, though, these disagreements can be a big headache on top of everything else they have to deal with. Experts say it’s important not to brush them off and to help kids find ways to work things out instead. “The more proactive you can be, the better off you’re going to be in terms of setting the stage for success,” advises Stephanie Lee, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.
It takes patience, but stepping in when needed can prevent deeper rifts between siblings and create a more peaceful family dynamic in the long run.
When children are left to handle everything on their own, there’s a chance things can escalate to full-blown bullying. This can have lasting effects, as kids who are picked on by their brothers or sisters often grow up feeling less competent and happy in life. Studies also find that bullying increases the likelihood of experiencing depression and engaging in self-harm during adulthood.
Thankfully, there are some tips you can follow to resolve even the silliest fights. The key is to understand why they happen in the first place. Look for patterns; your children’s constant toy battles could have a different explanation.
“What the kids might really be fighting for is their parents’ attention after they’ve played nicely for a long period of time,” says Dr. Lee. “Kids aren’t really so concerned about the toy, it’s more that they’ve figured out these patterns of behavior that when I yell, when I kick, someone gets involved immediately.”
Another great strategy to discourage negative behaviors is to focus on reinforcing positive ones. Dr. Lee recommends praising your children when they behave well by saying, “Wow, great job taking turns”, or “I love how you guys are playing together”.
Sally Beville Hunter, a clinical associate professor in child and family studies at the University of Tennessee, reminds parents that when you’re praising children, it should be done so that all of them can hear you. However, if you need to correct one child, take them aside to talk privately, away from their sibling. Or else, the other child might use it against them later, saying something along the lines of, “Mom said you couldn't jump off the couch!”
If you choose to break up a fight by taking away something from your kids, like a toy they can’t share, always give it back. Do so within a few minutes, Dr. Lee stresses, and encourage them to collaborate by taking turns to play.
