Parents who have toddlers know that temper tantrums are inevitable. According to the Cleveland Clinic, a toddler throws one tantrum a day on average. There's no sure way to avoid them, so, the important thing is how parents choose to react to them.
Recently, one mother shared how she dealt with her daughter's temper tantrum. When the toddler slapped her, she decided not to react while the child was dysregulated and to talk about it tomorrow. This prompted a discussion: should parents address hitting in the moment or talk about it with their toddlers once they've calmed down?
To get a slightly different take than the mother's, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Willough Jenkins, an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego. She kindly agreed to explain why addressing a slap from a toddler right away is important and pointed out other mistakes parents can make when handling toddler aggression. Read her expert insights below!
A mother faced backlash online for how she dealt with her toddler's tantrum
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / freepik (not the actual photo)
The mom, Jessica VanderWier, who's a parenting expert, used gentle parenting to calm down her toddler after she slapped her
Image credits: master1305 / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: nurturedfirst
Image credits: nurturedfirst
VanderWier explained that she'll be having a conversation with her toddler the next day once she's calm
Parents should address hitting right away, but meltdown mode is not the time to try to reason with them
Image credits: drobotdean / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The biggest issue people seemed to take with this story was that the mom chose not to talk to her toddler about how hitting is wrong right away. "I feel like the slapping part could've been addressed immediately," an Instagram user under the username xoxolevana wrote.
Others pointed out how this could backfire if she were to hit a classmate or a teacher. "What you just did taught your child that if she hits a student at school and then throws a tantrum, she'll escape punishment."
We asked Dr. Willough Jenkins, an award-winning Canadian and American board-certified psychiatrist specializing in child psychiatry, for her opinion. Dr. Jenkins says that parents should address hitting right away, but they don't need to give their toddlers a big lecture.
In that moment, you really want to keep everybody safe and set a very clear boundary," she explains. "Saying something like, 'I won't let you hit me' in a very calm and neutral way is all that needs to be said. That's firm, calm, and non-negotiable."
If the parent is holding the child at the moment, it's best to put them down. Dr. Jenkins emphasizes how this isn't meant as a punishment, but is about safety and setting a clear physical boundary.
"You can say, 'I won't let you hit. I'll put you down until your hands are calm,'" she recommends. "And this helps reinforce to them that hitting will change the situation." She points out that parents can pick the child up again after they regulate.
However, trying to reason with the toddler if they're still in meltdown mode most likely won't work. Parents should help their toddlers calm down and help them regulate. "You can redirect them to something else and some children really do need the physical outlet, so offering a safe and more appropriate option such as squeezing a stuffed animal or throwing a ball can be helpful," Dr. Jenkins tells Bored Panda.
Toddlers hit because they're unable to emotionally regulate themselves yet, not out of malice
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Dr. Jenkins emphasizes that aggressive behavior in toddlers is very developmentally normal. When toddlers hit, they don't do it out of malice, but rather because they're frustrated, can't regulate themselves emotionally, or their needs aren't being met.
"Aggressive behavior in a toddler does not mean a child is bad or that a parent has failed," Dr. Jenkins stresses. "Toddlers are still learning how to manage big emotions, and their brains aren't wired yet for impulse control or emotional regulation. Occasional hitting, biting, pushing, throwing objects, or yelling is common at this stage."
We, adults, automatically assume that toddlers hit out of hostility. However, unlike us or older children, they hit out of frustration, unmet needs, difficulty with emotional regulation, or a lack of language skills. "They simply don't yet have the ability to pause, reflect, and choose a better way to express themselves," Dr. Jenkins points out.
Here are four mistakes some parents make when reacting to their toddler's aggression
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When gentle parenting their children, some parents make a big mistake of letting things slide. Dr. Jenkins explains that gentle parenting isn't boundaryless parenting. "It's about setting clear, consistent limits in a calm, connected way," she explains. "Boundaries actually help kids feel safe, and toddlers need them."
In the heat of the moment, some parents also respond by yelling, threatening, or with frustration. Dr. Jenkins says that many parents take aggression personally, but emphasizes that when a toddler hits, it's seldom about you. That's their way (however unfortunate and frustrating) of communicating an unmet need.
"Maybe they're overstimulated, hungry, tired, or frustrated and don't have the words yet," Dr. Jenkins observes. "If we meet their aggression with our own dysregulation, all they learn is that big feelings equal chaos. Instead, they need us to model calm and guide them toward safer ways to express emotions."
Another thing to remember is that a toddler is in a different developmental stage than an adult. They don't control their impulses like adults or older children do, and they don't intentionally try to hurt others. "When parents assume their toddler is being defiant or acting out on purpose, they often respond with discipline strategies that don't match what the child is actually capable of at that age," Dr. Jenkins points out.
Comment from Dr. Sarah Meehan O’Callaghan
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Dr. Jenkins makes a crucial point: children lack the impulse control that adults have. Recognizing this can help parents regulate their own emotions when faced with a toddler’s tantrum. While tantrums may be frustrating and ineffective, they are, in their own way, an attempt at emotional regulation.
The real challenge arises when parents struggle to process their own emotions, often due to unmet needs from their own childhoods. In these cases, a toddler’s distress can trigger an excessive response, leading the adult to lose their temper—thus perpetuating a cycle of anger, frustration, and emotional turmoil.
The woman’s decision to wait until the following day to address the slap with her child was a wise one. It gave her the necessary space to calm down, preventing an immediate emotional reaction and allowing for a more thoughtful, measured response. - Dr. Sarah Meehan O’Callaghan
Instead of focusing on the toddler stopping the bad behavior, parents should teach them better ways to communicate. Parents' only goal shouldn't be to just eliminate aggression. They need to help their toddler understand how to express their needs safely.
How does that look, exactly? Parents can follow up once the child is calm. Ask your toddler to name their emotions, reinforce alternatives, and practice better ways to handle frustration.
"If aggression becomes a persistent pattern, or if a child seems to struggle more than what's typical for their age, then it may be time to seek additional guidance. But occasional aggression is not a sign of a bad kid," Dr. Jenkins notes. "It's just a sign of a little human still learning how to navigate big emotions."
Some people criticized her for not addressing the hitting right away: "[It] will just teach them that it's okay to do it again"
Others marveled at the mom's patience: "None of us experienced that kind of grace when we were children"
