30 Unethical Work Hacks That Absolutely No One Should Ever Try

When I was in the military, I always always walked around with a clipboard. I had a terrible expression on my face, and once in a while, I looked at the clipboard and frown and shake my head. People very weirdly ever bothered me.

“When you look annoyed all the time, people think you’re busy”

- George Costanza.

Better: schedule emails for within the workday because you should never set the expectation of working outside of regular hours.

Schedule emails to send just after EOD. Even if you're done early. Appear busy, not idle

Reply with “Let me circle back Monday” on a Friday at 4:59 pm. Technically, you didn’t lie.

At my old job, if I needed to pass the time, I would pick up a notebook, folder and pen and just go for a walk around the building. As long as I held those items, moved at a reasonable pace, looked ahead, and walked in a big enough circle, it would look like I had someplace to be.

If you feel like a nap, go into the stationary room, scatter around a bunch of pens and fall asleep with your feet right next to the door (this only works if the door opens inwards).

If anyone opens the door it will slam into your feet, which will wake you up and you can pretend you're picking up the pens which accidentally spilled over the floor.

Always appear “in a meeting.” Especially when you're not. Especially when you're cleaning your kitchen.

Absolutely never create a teams meeting where you’re the only attendee two or three times a week and then sit on the call by yourself while sipping coffee or pooping.

Send automated weekly reports even if the data hasn’t been updated in months. No one notices.

Send yourself a Slack reminder every morning that says "Check insights." Play Wordle instead. Get praised for being "proactive with data."

Block "brand narrative alignment" in your calendar. Use it to doomscroll through LinkedIn, dismantling the meaning of work.

Chain ChatGPT, Gemini, and Claude into a recursive feedback loop. Wait until one of them breaks.

I have Excel sheets labeled do_not_touch and at least once a quarter I get asked by a coworker why it asks for a password and won't let them make any changes 🙃.

Block recurring 4-hour "Cognitive Resonance Cycles" in your public calendar. Use the time to perfect your sourdough starter. Explain it's crucial for "cross-functional ideation alignment."

Dismiss your own old strategy as “legacy thinking.” Disagree with it vehemently.

Refer to low-performing pages as “ontologically hollow.” It’s not a bug, it’s a rupture in the symbolic order.

Submit your next report in hieroglyphics, not because you want to be edgy or mysterious or even original, but because you understand, deeply and intuitively, that true insight cannot be flattened into bullet points or trapped in bar charts, that "content" must be felt as much as it is read, that the symbols etched by ancient scribes carry more semantic weight than anything you could write in DM Sans 12, and when the client asks why they can’t understand any of this, you simply lean forward, fold your hands, and say, “The cake is a lie.”

When asked about project risks, solemnly state, "The primary blocker remains the heat death of the universe, but we're tracking mitigation strategies." Log this in Jira under "Long-Term Impediments."

B**g bosses wife, get her to divorce him, she‘ll win the company in the legal fight, marry her, be boss .