Many of us feel like our lives are simply work, eat, sleep, repeat. This cycle can become incredibly monotonous, so if there’s anything you can do to make it more exciting, it’s perfectly understandable to try. And if that means getting close to your colleagues, so you don’t feel bored out of your mind for 40 hours a week, that’s great! Just make sure that your work relationships don’t start interfering with your personal life…
One woman recently reached out to Reddit asking for advice after deciding that she doesn’t want her fiancé’s “work wife” attending their wedding. Below, you’ll find the full story that she posted, as well as conversations with couples therapists Shan Merchant and Rebecca Williams, LMFT.
This woman's fiancé has a "work spouse" that he's extremely close to
Image credits: Max Harlynking (not the actual photo)
But she's decided that she doesn't want his work wife anywhere near their wedding
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: SnooAdvice5677
"When someone leans on a work partner for emotional support, connection, or validation, it can become a kind of emotional affair"
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
It’s important to be professional at work, but if you can manage to make friends in the office, that can make the hours pass much faster. You can share memes on Slack throughout the day, grab lunch together at the café on the corner and have an ally if you ever need someone to have your back during a meeting. In fact, having a friend at work can even boost your mood and your motivation, Forbes reports. And according to Fortune, a whopping 72% of office workers in the UK say they have a work wife or husband.
But is it a good idea to have a work spouse? To find out more about this situation, we got in touch with advanced Imago couples therapist Shan Merchant and Rebecca Williams, LMFT, Couples Therapy Expert and Owner of Inland Empire Couples Counseling in Southern California.
"Modern relationships are full of blurred boundaries, especially as we spend more time in professional spaces where deep connections naturally develop," Shan says. "When someone leans on a work partner for emotional support, connection, or validation, it can become a kind of emotional affair. You know you're in an emotional affair when you find yourself frequently sharing details, thoughts, or feelings that your partner doesn't even know yet and may never get told."
"The term 'work wife' itself implies a level of closeness that mirrors a romantic relationship, and while it’s possible to keep it light and respectful, the risk is that the line gets crossed and the connection morphs into something much bigger, like a full blown affair," she continued.
"It is absolutely a good thing for people to have supportive connections in all areas of their lives. In itself, there's really no problem in having a coworker who has your back, supports you, understands you, and just makes being at work more enjoyable," Rebecca shared. "The title 'work spouse' could be problematic if it contributes to jealousy or insecurity in your primary partner."
In the case of this particular story, Shan says Lily is clearly wanting her "work husband" for herself and is inveigling herself into his life in every possible way. "I think the whole notion of a 'work wife' in itself is dangerous and invites intimacy that just isn’t appropriate for real relationships at home."
"It’s crucial for each person to honestly evaluate whether a 'friendship' is enhancing or undermining their commitment to their partner," the expert continued. "Emotional fidelity is just as important to a long lasting marriage as sexual fidelity, and a work friendship should never make a partner feel replaced or overshadowed."
"If one partner feels deeply uncomfortable about a [wedding] guest, I’d be exploring why and discussing boundaries that respect each partner’s feelings"
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle (not the actual photo)
Shan shared that she's always interested in what needs are being met (or not) when working with couples in therapy. "In the case of the couple in the Reddit post, I’d be interested to know from him what needs does the ‘work wife' fulfill for you that you don’t seem to find at home? It’s often things like being seen, appreciated or understood, or perhaps a need for playfulness, lightheartedness and fun."
"I’d ask [the wife] what does this need in him bring up in you? For example, it might bring up fears or themes around abandonment, feeling neglected, being the outsider, or being seen as boring or too much in some way," she explained. "Rather than dismissing the ‘work wife’ dynamic as entirely negative, I’d like to see what about this work relationship mirrors or contrasts with the emotional connection between the couple and we start our work there."
We also asked the therapists if each partner should be allowed to veto certain guests from attending their wedding. "I think it is totally reasonable for either party to say they don't want a particular person at their wedding. Use veto power sparingly, knowing that your partner would like that person there," Rebecca says.
"A wedding is not just an event; it’s a ritual, and a celebration of your love as a couple. Marriage is a team - it’s important both partners feel valued and respected as part of this," Shan noted. "In my opinion, each partner should have the power to say 'no' to certain guests if someone’s presence will interfere with their happiness on their big day. To me, this day is about creating a foundation of love, respect, and intentionality, now and for the future; it’s not just a party."
"That said, vetoing guests should be based on genuine concerns for the well-being of the relationship," Shan continued. "If one partner feels deeply uncomfortable about a guest, I’d be exploring why and discussing boundaries that respect each partner’s feelings. In the case of [this couple], there even needs to be a discussion about postponing the wedding while they work through this dynamic, explore their contribution in the dynamic they are co-creating so they can both feel more safe and secure."
"If your partner hears your concerns, understands where you're coming from, and is willing to abide by certain boundaries to help you feel safe, they may be able to continue the friendship with the work bestie"
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 (not the actual photo)
So what should a person do if they're concerned about their partner's "work spouse" interfering with their relationship? Shan says that, first, it’s essential to approach this conversation with an open heart, lead from vulnerability and avoid blaming or shaming.
"Let your partner know how you feel—perhaps that you’re feeling overlooked, unimportant, or hurt—and do so without making attacks on the other person. Use I statements to do this (e.g., 'I feel hurt when I see you turning to Lily for emotional support instead of me'), so that your partner can start to stretch into your world and see things from your perspective," she explained. "No one is right or wrong so it’s important not to make your partner feel wrong or bad for having a close friendship with someone else but instead express your need for greater connection and prioritization."
It's also a good idea to request clear boundaries around this relationship, such as no texting late at night or prioritizing your connection during non-work hours, the therapist added. "It’s okay to ask for boundaries that protect the integrity of your relationship while still respecting your partner’s friendships. If your partner is unwilling to compromise, explore why this connection is so crucial to him, and whether he values it more than your well-being."
"The goal here is not to demand change but to ask for a balance that allows you to feel prioritized and secure," Shan told Bored Panda. "If you are struggling to discuss this at home, this is exactly the type of situation to bring to couples therapy where you can have a couples coach to support you both in having safe conversations and feeling heard."
"If you fear your partner's work bestie is interfering in your relationship, you need to talk to your partner about it," Rebecca shared. "Let them know your concerns and then see where they are willing to reassure you or change to meet your needs. And be open to options less extreme than 'you can never talk to them again.'"
"If your partner hears your concerns, understands where you're coming from, and is willing to abide by certain boundaries to help you feel safe, they may be able to continue the friendship with the work bestie and keep you feeling good at the same time," the expert noted.
Finally, Shan added that people often expect one person to fulfill all of their needs. "We want one person to be our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our intellectual equal, our co-parent, and even our therapist. This is a huge task—one that no single human being can fulfill," she pointed out. "It is normal and needed to have relationships and connections outside our primary relationship to sustain us. The question for me is how can you balance intimacy with multiple people so that your primary partner still feels loved, prioritized, respected and safe?"
Many readers took the bride's side and called out her partner for his inappropriate behavior
However, some thought that the bride was in need of a reality check, noting that both she and her fiancé were in the wrong
